Plain rude? What to do?

[TwoRobins]

Name change for this:

Every time I meet this person at a family gathering (DH's family and this person is an ex in-law - a blended family scenario) he totally ignores me. I've known him for over ten years, we've visited his house and he has been to our house and done some jobs. On these occasions he's been just fine and has spoken to me fine if I am the only one there but, ignores me when DH is there.

He ALWAYS seems to talk only to my DH and even though I'm also sat there and included in the conversation he totally ignores me and speaks and looks at only DH as though I am invisible. I don't just stand there mute, I join the conversation and am interested but it's genuinely like I am not even there. There is absolutely no history or backstory of any kind, no disagreements etc. an no reason at all for him to be like this that I know of.

He talks just fine to other women when their husbands are there, just including them in in a normal way.

I went to a family gathering recently and he was sat at a table with four others, all people I know. As I sat down I said hello to him and asked him how he was. He replied 'fine, how are you?' usual pleasantries. He then carries on talking to the others and in the conversation never once acknowledges my existence. In the toing and froing of the conversation everyone's comments were being replied to by him and the others but when I spoke it was as though I wasn't heard at all, as if I wasn't there.

At one point, when there was a gap in the conversation, I said something, a totally normal non-remarkable sort of 'that's the way of the world' comment, and they all just stared and then just carried on like I hadn't spoken.

So it was now everyone at the table including him.

When everyone left the table apart from one woman, she then started talking me - as I was now the only one left. She is someone I see quite often and know fairly well. But previous to that, nothing.

It just really upset me - it was worse this time as I went on my own without DH so felt really out of it. I feel anxious at social events as it is and I only went because I didn't want to let the host down, but I wish I hadn't bothered.

I feel like I should have just left the table but really there was nowhere to go as everyone was in other rooms doing their own things (large house) and my only other option was to go and sit with one of the many animals and talk to them!

Is there any other way of handling this situation? In particular, the man who always unfailing does this - what is the best way for me to deal with this situation instead of just standing there feeling like a fool? I really don't want to have to put myself in this position time and time again as it leave me feeling so demoralised.

I just don't want to cause any problem in the family by not going to these things as I believe family is important, but it really is costing me and my self-esteem every time and takes a few days to centre myself.

Thank you if you made it this far.

Oh dear! He thinks I am stuck up, then! No idea why😂

Oh, the irony . . . .

Maybe ask one of the women why everyone’s so rude?

I sometimes feel like that and start to think no one would notice if I quietly left.

I've come to a couple of conclusions.....

As someone who can feel socially anxious I'm overthinking and seeing an issue that probably isn't real.

The other person is a bit socially awkward and struggling to cope as well

And the good old fashioned alpha-male that doesn't think females are worth conversing with.

Slightly different scenario but I play a little game with my BIL who never lets anyone finish a sentence. It's called the silence and stare game...Everytime he finishes my sentence, I go quiet, sit and stare at him and when he finally shuts up I announce "So, I was going to say....."

E.G "Did you watch Cornation Street last night, just wanted to ask what you thought about Gail's exit as..."
BIL jumps in, I sit and stare "Yes, I wasn't keen, good to see her get married and that Richard Hillman was just a dream, imagine that but, at least they never killed her off"

Me "So, I was going to say 'Did you watch Corrie as I haven't yet and I wanted to see if you thought it was worth watching but you've totally ruined it now" fake laugh, awkward silence....

Then, start a mental note of how many times I can wind up the plonker...

I think you need to ask DH to find out what the problem is AND he needs to vocally call them out on it.

Thank you so much for your replies. It's good to hear objective opinions. In the end when it keeps happening you just start thinking it must be you! Wellsandthistles you made me laugh. I'm getting so annoyed I can easily myself doing something similar. And, yes, I did feel like just leaving and that no one would notice or care.

Fraaaances and Olympics Rock also thank you confirming it is rude and unacceptable behaviour as I do doubt my own judgement.

The other thing that makes it worse are the children, (blended family, two are related to DH and two are not) aged 8-15. Apart from one of them, when I say hello and goodbye they just totally ignore me and don't answer or show any sign they've even heard me.

DH says 'they're just kids' and they don't see see us that much, etc. and 'maybe these days they are just like that.' Are they really just so rude these days? It just rankles a bit. And I am starting to feel that if they do it again I should just repeat it and say it louder rather than meekly just accepting it. Honestly, I would not have dreamt of ignoring someone speaking to me when I was younger.

Ever since the other 2 children came on the scene we have always bought presents for them at Christmas. We are very happy to do this as we didn't want to feel like we were leaving them out. We don't spend as much as on the 2 blood-related ones but we do give them good gifts and we never begrudge it but, again, it's a bit annoying that they never thank us.

I posted here partly to get it off my chest and partly to see if I was just overreacting or being too sensitive. I genuinely would not treat people they way they treat me and I don't understand how they can.

Your DH is a wet lettuce for not sticking up for you. You say family is important but no one is worth is enduring these excruciating situations for you.

And it’s not just this man ignoring you, you say the others do it too.

Your husband might be talking about you to them behind your back.

Stop all the presents, stop greeting the children, stop making any effort, leave it all to DH from now on.

Just think about this - how would you react if you saw someone (or some people) in your family behave this way to your DH?

He sounds awful. I also think that many women (including me) are too polite. eg the examples in your post:

‘just wanted to ask what you thought’
‘I wanted to see if you thought it was…’

They are almost apologetic for daring to say something.

There's a lot of food for thought in your replies. I think I myself have become a wet lettuce for constantly letting things go and thinking up reasons that may explain this behaviour.

I am completely aware that people have their own problems and people are going through their own anxieties and insecurities and so sometimes just explain their behaviour away like that but then I think they still make the effort with other people.

The thing is, they really are not 'bad' people at all and I don't dislike them, yes, even including the man who ignores me - but in a way that makes it worse and harder to understand!😂