Dating after divorce - when do you tell your ex?

datingafterdivorce234 · 2024-12-26T17:41:36+00:00

I separated from my ex 18 months ago, but we still lived together for a year after as we were selling the house. We are at the end of our divorce now. Over the last three months, I've been speaking to someone who I have now started dating. We have been on five dates and we have a really good connection. I do have a child with my ex. And I know that if I were to introduce the person I'm dating to my child then I would of course speak to my ex about this first. My ex has made a couple of flippant comments to gauge whether or not I am dating someone. I have avoided these. I have several concerns. I don't want to hurt my ex. I do think my ex could have been on dates as well. But I am also aware that my ex may try to sabotage potential future dates by rearranging childcare if I say I am seeing someone to disrupt my plans. I also don't want intrusive questions. What would you do?

Redflagsabounded · 26/12/2024 17:47

None of his business until (maybe) you introduce a partner to your child, which shouldn't be for a long time. Why do you feel he may have a right to know - genuine question, as it suggests you haven't managed to emotionally separate from him yet in some way in the sense of obligation, fear etc.

AltitudeCheck · 26/12/2024 17:47

Absolutely none of the ex's business
so say nothing (assuming it's not someone they know !)... you don't have to tell your ex anything now, unless it is in direct relation to your child.

Evaka · 26/12/2024 17:47

Zero of their business whatsoever, particularly this early on. And wise not to introduce new partners to your children for a very, very long time.

HollyChristmas · 26/12/2024 17:52

Your divorced . Your life isn't his business anymore .

EllieRosesMammy · 26/12/2024 17:56

I agree with everyone else - none of his business until you feel you may want to introduce your child to this new person.

toomuchfaff · 26/12/2024 17:57

You don't have to speak to him before you do anything. If you're dating, that's your business, if you deem that the relationship is at the stage you want to introduce that person to your child, that's your call, not the ex, he has no say in anything you do... as you don't in anything he does.

Arlanymor · 26/12/2024 17:57

Redflagsabounded · 26/12/2024 17:47

None of his business until (maybe) you introduce a partner to your child, which shouldn't be for a long time. Why do you feel he may have a right to know - genuine question, as it suggests you haven't managed to emotionally separate from him yet in some way in the sense of obligation, fear etc.

This - don’t give your ex a second thought, it’s very early days and currently literally nothing to do with him. If he asks prying questions then just change the subject, he has no right to information about your personal life that does not involve him. my ex-husband randomly got in touch in 2019 after over a decade of divorce via Messenger. It was just a fairly surface level chat until he asked about my love life - he’s since remarried, I know via mutual friends - and I said: “I’m not comfortable talking about my love life with you, so let’s change the topic shall we?” That’s all you need do too. Good luck with your new relationship.

Chowtime · 26/12/2024 17:58

He doesn't need to know. |No-one does.

outerspacepotato · 26/12/2024 18:02

Your romantic/sex life is none of your ex's business unless you move them in, then it is since you share a kid.

If he asks, shrug. Say How about those insert sports team of choice or weather or some other random subject. Be the grey rock and give him nothing.

StrawberryWater · 26/12/2024 18:05

Only communicate about your child with your ex. If at some point in the future you want to introduce a new partner to your kid that's when you talk to ex otherwise none of his business.

You could fuck the entire starting line up of the Spurs football team and it still wouldn't be any of your exes business.

Original poster

datingafterdivorce234 · 26/12/2024 20:44

The relationship with my ex was quite abusive in the sense of there being control and quite a lot of coercive control.

Over the last few days, my ex has been lovely with me and we have spent time together with our child. Because it is our first Christmas living separately. So we have done quite a few activities together over the last few days.

Then my ex asked if I wanted to come over on New Year's Day for dinner. But I am seeing my date then so I said no. they asked if I had plans which I've replied I am seeing a friend. My ex commented that this is very unusual to see a friend on New Year's Day.

The atmosphere felt a little strange after that and I am anticipating questions over the next few days about this

OP posts:

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2024 20:56

datingafterdivorce234 · 26/12/2024 20:44

The relationship with my ex was quite abusive in the sense of there being control and quite a lot of coercive control.

Over the last few days, my ex has been lovely with me and we have spent time together with our child. Because it is our first Christmas living separately. So we have done quite a few activities together over the last few days.

Then my ex asked if I wanted to come over on New Year's Day for dinner. But I am seeing my date then so I said no. they asked if I had plans which I've replied I am seeing a friend. My ex commented that this is very unusual to see a friend on New Year's Day.

The atmosphere felt a little strange after that and I am anticipating questions over the next few days about this

Its still none of his business.

He us using your co parenting relationship to overstep.

Kentuckycriedfrickin · 26/12/2024 20:59

It's none of his business at all. If you were to introduce new partner to your child, you don't have to tell him advance and you don't need his permission as it's up to you (just as you'd get no say in him introducing his future new partners). Even if you moved you're new partner in, you don't need to tell him in advance or get his permission.

DepartingRadish · 26/12/2024 21:04

It's none of his business. If he asks questions then politely tell him that you aren't together anymore, so how you spend your own time is nothing to do with him. Direct the conversation back to your child.

Remember, the only reason you still talk to him is because you are co-parenting. If you didn't have a child together then you'd walk away and never see him again. The conversations you have with him should therefore be about your child and your co-parenting arrangements - anything else is not his concern.

The sooner you put boundaries in place, the better. Otherwise this is still him controlling and pulling the strings.

Borninabarn32 · 26/12/2024 21:06

When I was introducing DC to them .

My life is none of his business. DSs life is.

However, he never informed me when he was introducing his partner and now I have no idea if he's still with her. If she lives with him. If he or DS have contsct with his new child.

My ex was also abusive and controlling and massively oversteps questioning my private life. I try to just ignore questions and spend as little as time as possible around him. Yes, DS doesn't get time with his parents together. But it wouldn't benefit him to hear the way his dad treats me and speaks to me.

Flughafenkoenigin · 26/12/2024 21:06

As above, you are divorced, your life isn't his business anymore. You don't have to tell him anything now, unless it is in direct relation to your child.

If he asks questions, you can remind him that you are divorced. You don't need to tell him anything.

Mashroom · 26/12/2024 21:09

He acting is the .. being nice when he wasn’t when you were together. I wouldn’t tell him much. Good luck with you new life and I hope you have a nice New Year’s Day with your new man

Pamspeople · 26/12/2024 21:12

datingafterdivorce234 · 26/12/2024 20:44

The relationship with my ex was quite abusive in the sense of there being control and quite a lot of coercive control.

Over the last few days, my ex has been lovely with me and we have spent time together with our child. Because it is our first Christmas living separately. So we have done quite a few activities together over the last few days.

Then my ex asked if I wanted to come over on New Year's Day for dinner. But I am seeing my date then so I said no. they asked if I had plans which I've replied I am seeing a friend. My ex commented that this is very unusual to see a friend on New Year's Day.

The atmosphere felt a little strange after that and I am anticipating questions over the next few days about this

How will he be asking you lots of questions? Limit contact to information about parenting arrangements. Don't continue having chats with him or you'll never manage to separate properly, if he's been controlling.

JohnofWessex · 26/12/2024 21:17

StrawberryWater · 26/12/2024 18:05

Only communicate about your child with your ex. If at some point in the future you want to introduce a new partner to your kid that's when you talk to ex otherwise none of his business.

You could fuck the entire starting line up of the Spurs football team and it still wouldn't be any of your exes business.

I had a ONS with someone who did something very similar to that when she left her husband!

Anyideashowtodealwiththis · 26/12/2024 21:17

datingafterdivorce234 · 26/12/2024 20:44

The relationship with my ex was quite abusive in the sense of there being control and quite a lot of coercive control.

Over the last few days, my ex has been lovely with me and we have spent time together with our child. Because it is our first Christmas living separately. So we have done quite a few activities together over the last few days.

Then my ex asked if I wanted to come over on New Year's Day for dinner. But I am seeing my date then so I said no. they asked if I had plans which I've replied I am seeing a friend. My ex commented that this is very unusual to see a friend on New Year's Day.

The atmosphere felt a little strange after that and I am anticipating questions over the next few days about this

All the more reason to tell him nothing

2025willbemytime · 26/12/2024 21:19

Mine told me he was dating someone and said it had been a week... We had been divorced a very short time. Don't tell him. Ever.

Endofyear · 26/12/2024 23:03

Until the point where you want to introduce your boyfriend to your DC (which I'd assume isn't going to be for a long while yet) then there is absolutely no reason to tell your ex you're seeing someone. I'd be careful about spending time with him or giving him any details of your personal life. Amicable co-parenting is good but if he is controlling, you need to keep a distance.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 26/12/2024 23:05

Neither of you have to tell each other.

Clueless2024 · 26/12/2024 23:11

I'd be telling him absolutely nothing. It's none of his business.