To give up my job because someone is always sick and I’m on a trigger and it’s too much

[theotherfossilsister]

One child and immunocompromised partner who works full time. Endless sickness this year and exhausted. I struggle hugely with mental health too.

ds goes to nursery three days a week, I work four (3 week days and Saturday.)

currently on a trigger with hr for how much I’ve been off sick have one day leave left for family emergencies until July, have no time alone, exhausted and hanging by a thread.

ds doesn’t sleep and we have tried everything except sleep training.

Call in sick and go and speak to your GP. You can selfcert for a week.

Thanks @HashTagLil

If I do this I’ll trigger with hr again. I am sick this week but have to go in anyway

If you want to claim jobseekers you'll need to wait for them to fire you. If not go ahead.

Go through the process. If you trigger again request an oh referral for mental health. It is what is , don’t be pressured into quitting

Let HR trigger you. If you’re genuinely ill, physically or mentally then this should just lead to support. Just make sure you keep a paper trail and always see your GP, don’t take sick days for childcare.

If money isn’t too tight ask if you can take some carers/ childcare leave instead of annual leave- it’s unpaid but probably still better financially than giving up work.

And make sure your partner is doing their share of the sick days to cover your DC.

I'm thinking your immunocompromised partner would be classed as disabled under the UK equality act and so any absence related to needing to care for them which triggers a warning could be viewed as discrimination by association. Especially if they aren't able to look after your child because of their immune system issues.
See what ACAS or your union have to say about this but it may be that work need to give you reasonable adjustments e.g. you can work from home, your absence doesn't automatically trigger etc.

This!

Why not try sleep training? If you've tried everything else, what have you got to lose?

thanks all, I’ll talk to work. Just feel awful, broke a tooth grinding it and had emergency dentist today and due back at work Saturday but craving rest

If you haven't sleep trained your child, you haven't tried everything. Do all of you a favour and get that part sorted at least.

Do you need the money? If not I'd leave for sure and work again when life is a bit easier at home i.e. your child is sleeping.

If you do not want to sleep train, don't do it. How old is your child? They will start sleeping better without you doing anything at all. There is nothing that would make me sleep train a child, it's cruel.

If you’re in the UK read this: https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

And if you think your employer has acted unfairly, contact ACAS for guidance.

You’re also entitled to pre-book dependant leave (unpaid) with advance warning to your employer. Your use of these time off rights can’t be used against you.

Try seeing if your work do a carer passport. This may help - gives the option for emergency annual leave/shorter days

Some helpful advice about ACAS and support for dependents already in this thread.

This is really stressful and difficult for you. HR can say all sorts in an effort to control (/bully?) staff/ maximise productivity but the triggers and OH are also there to protect you to make sure you are healthy at work.

You sound overwhelmed and exhausted - that’s punishing and you can only sustain this for so long before your physical and mental health suffer.

I’d have a chat with my GP and go from there. Your workplace might have a confidential counselling service available and having a safe space to acknowledge/ talk about how challenging things are at the moment would likely help. Don’t resign unless you are sure about it. These years are intense but they don’t last long and it can be as tough to get back into work afterwards…

Does bring immunocompromised class one as disabled? Even if it does, does a partner's disability allow you to take time off? Not being a dick, genuinely interested.

I think the only allowance given for a partners disability is carers leave which is a maximum of a normal working week every year so if you work 3 days you would be entitled to 3 days off as carers leave

Yes it is classed as a disability but I believe time off is limited to that of emergency dependent leave or carers leave

I am going to make some assumptions here, so forgive me if I am wrong.

1. As your partner has a condition which has affected them longer than 12 months, then they possibly fall under the Equality Act. This would point to you as their main carer. Carers Leave Act gives you up to 1 week unpaid leave per year to rely on without any recourse.

1. If your employer as employee assistance programme, contact them for confidential support, especially for your mental health.

1. When a trigger has been hit, check the work policy. If the absences are linked or are not because you are sick (childcare, carers responsibilities) then challenge them as in some, not all cases, triggers are only breached when you are sick.

1. If any of your absences are due to.your health, and you have an underlying heath issue, such as mental health or a condition, then ask your employer to send you to occupational health for an assessment. They can make a suggested reasonable adjustment for extending company triggers for that specific reason. For eg..if you have colitis, then absences for colitis can be extended to say 5 occasions instead of 3 (or whatever your trigger numbers are).

Hope this helps

So many families being put in terrible positions! Don't leave your job though. Some things you can do in the meantime:

1. Join a union and speak to them about the position you're in
2. Write to your MP about the position you're in (we need improved sick pay and improved mitigations against infections in childcare, schools, health settings and work places).
3. Buy some FFP2 masks and wear them in work - and at home if anyone is sick
4. If you can afford it get some HEPA air purifiers for your home to reduce spread of illnesses in your house
5. Use an antiviral nasal spray such as viraleze before and after leaving the house each day
6. Speak to nursery and school to see what they can do to reduce spread of infections there. Could they do a crowdfunder for HEPA filters? Open the windows for 10 minutes every hour? Ask staff who have cold symptoms to wear a mask until better? Etc etc.

Really hope you feel better soon 💐

If your child is ill then is it always you that takes leave to attend to them ? I’d start asking your husband to at least share the responsibility

It's not fair on a partner with an autoimmune disease/is immunocompromised to be made wholly responsible for earned income.

Who has been sick, you or dc? How many days did you take off in 24?

Why are you sick so often? Is there an underlying problem?

And lack of sleep won’t help. Get your child’s sleep training in asap!

The thing is, if you are consistently unable to attend work, you are unable to do the job. It’s understandable that your employer needs someone effective in your role (or they wouldn’t have employed you!)
Instead of looking for ways around this problem, you need to address it head on, one step at a time.