Passive aggressive or justifiably annoyed?

[StolenChanel]

Backstory is DH works shifts. He’s forever changing jobs or career paths with a big plan involved but always changes to another awkwardly patterned shift work job. We had DD when we were very young and made a plan that, as the more “studious” one, I would finish college / uni full time and he would work and study part time, and then when I was finished and in the career we had planned for, he would go back to college to finish his. He never did and has floated about in all of these shift roles ever since. I don’t complain aloud as I’m grateful that he stepped back all those years ago so I could continue with my education, but his shift patterns make family life very difficult.

Anyway, we had planned to visit my mum for Christmas, about a 2 hour drive from us. Her house is nice and in a quiet area so it makes a change for us. It was his idea to come here. He has work tomorrow so we were always planning to leave on Boxing Day.

Weeks ago my mum had asked what time we would be heading off as we have family coming for lunch today. I asked him what time he wanted to get off by and he said 3, which I passed on to mum. He decided this morning that he wanted to leave by 1 and had never said anything about 3 (he did).

Family are late. He wants to leave. I asked can we at least wait until 2 so we can see them and have something to eat. The food is already laid out but Mum spent ages making it look nice for when everyone gets here, so I don’t really want to tell DH and the kids to just “tuck in” and ruin Mum’s presentation.

He’s muttering to himself and giving me dirty looks, but saying to me “Don’t worry about it, we’ll wait.” It sounds so small but I get really anxious when he gets like this because I know if the day now doesn’t go completely smoothly, any bumps or blips I’ll get the blame and he’ll go on saying something like “this is why we should have left when I said we should.”

I feel nauseous with anxiety now so I’ve sat in the garden on my own for a bit and now I feel guilty because my mum is also slightly on edge now. I just hate feeling like this.

YABU = I’m over-reacting - he’s understandably tired and wanted to get home,

YANBU = no, he knew the plans and is being unkind

Just to add to the backstory - this “plan” we had was made years ago. DD is 16 now.

He’s being an arsehole. I would also feel really anxious in this situation. Can he go and you stay longer and get public transport back tomorrow?

Possibly. It’s a good idea and I’d like to do that. I’m just worried that if I suggest it he’ll get even more annoyed because it will mean he could have left hours ago. It’s also quite pricey.

Is he genuinely muttering and giving dirty looks? Sometimes when I used to get super anxious I would over analyse people and decide they were doing something in a way that made me more anxious (e.g giving dirty looks but in reality the person wasn't even paying attention / was looking beyond me).

The leaning by 1 / 3 thing is annoying definitely, if 3 was previously agreed!

However family being late is also annoying, what time were they due?

He sounds like a nasty little shit. Perhaps use this time to reflect on how often you're treading on eggshells around him and his whims and moods?

now I feel guilty because my mum is also slightly on edge now.

I bet your mum secretly loathes him.

Tell him to go and stay with your mum and have a nice time without him

What on earth does your work and university history have to do with how he spends his Boxing Day or act around your family? If you think thus remotely relevant, there's obviously more playing on your mind.

Yeah - I'd probably do the same as PP have suggested. Tell him to head off & the you have a gorgeous afternoon with your DD and family. Your mum will love it and you'll be able to relax and he'll be able to get home and will likely be in a better mood for having some time on his own.

So many men being fucking miserable arseholes. Tell him to go home without you because you're bored of walking on eggshells.

I was also confused about the massive build up as to the reason why he does "shift work", theres nothing wrong with shift work? Does he not have the fancy job you imagined him to have OP? Lots of job are back tomorrow as its a normal working day, my husband works 9-5 but is in tomorrow.

Anyway thats got zero to do with him being dick on boxing day.

I'm not sure I understand the link between the backstory about uni, shift patterns and today's lunch.
Is his shift tomorrow particularly early? Is there any reason he would want to be back home in the afternoon?

Because of his shift work. It annoys me that we had a plan for a family life but, all these years later, we’re still having to arrange everything around his awkward shifts.

Is his career choice a source of disappointment for you? There is a HUGE focus on this in your post. Leaving early on Boxing Day seems almost incidental.

I don’t have a fancy job either; he actually earns more than me. The issue or more the hours. He starts work at 4am this week. The life he had planned included having time together during these periods - it was the main reason I went into the role I went into (which was something we discussed when I was pregnant all those years ago) and his was the similar.

Possibly. I don’t think so though, it happens quite often. But maybe the fact that it happens often makes me look out for it more.

They were due at 1 and got here at about 1.40. They also travel from quite a distance.

He's gaslighting you. You know he said 3pm. He's making you feel on edge and guilty.
You'll be home for 5pm. Time for tea and an early night.
There's an element of control here from him I don't like. It's not... You know I'm really tired would you mind if we went earlier? It's you got the time wrong, he's in the right you are wrong.
I couldn't live like that.
How often does he pull this kind of stunt?

You resent him not taking the time out of family life and the financial hit to go back to college to qualify for a job where he'd earn less? You can't hold him to a plan you made 16 years ago.

My OH died 7 years ago, and the main reason I’m still single is not wanting to walk on eggshells ever again. I did it through my childhood with my Dad (who I loved but he was a moody bugger), and in all of my relationships. Even my son makes me feel this way. I suppose it’s down to being brought up to see the man’s happiness or comfort as more important than your own.

He's being a nasty bully.

I agree with others the PP, the eggshells feeling comes from the gaslighting.

He states a time, you all work to that timeframe.

He changes the time, but instead of admitting the change, tells you he never said the original time, making the whole thing your fault rather than his (& making you doubt yourself).

It's a horrible way for you and your DD to live 😞

This is exactly how I feel. He does things like this very often. It’s always really minor things that sound like I’m making a big deal out of nothing if I raise it with him, so I often just don’t bother bringing it up. For example, he’ll act as if he didn’t know I had plans with friends whenever I do and become moody on those days, so I started putting things into the calendar on my phone which is also linked to his (makes no difference as he never looks at it anyway!)

You’re right, I do hold resentment for it and I need to work out a way to let it go. The career he had planned to go into earns a heck of a lot more than either of us earn right now, and he already has most of the qualifications for it from when he was studying part time. But you’re right, it was a plan we made a long time ago.

Deal with what you can: he uses his shift work pattern to make himself the focus of family life and force you to dance to his tune. You “owe” him for his early “ sacrifice “ for you. But in reality he prefers it this way so he can force everything to cater to him

Was he working christmas day?

No, thankfully. He has work early tomorrow morning, which is why we had to leave my mum’s by 1/3 (ended up being about 2.30 and we’re driving back now).

To be honest, reading back on my post the backstory probably was unnecessary. At the time of writing I think I was just thinking “none of this would ever be an issue if you stuck to the plan”. It just feels like planning or doing anything is always really hard to fit around his early starts or late finishes (depending on what shift he’s on), and he always changes his mind about timings for things last minute and gets annoyed with me on days he has to be up early.