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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Discovering abuse in family

21 replies

Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 02:23

Years ago DH neice disclosed something concerning. I spoke with my DH and also got professional advice on what to do. I ended up putting in a SS referral. This was later NFA'd (no further action). At the time I learned that the niece's nursery also put in a referral which was also NFA'd. It resulted in restricted access to the niece, going on holiday etc with us, and we were treated as though we were stirring the pot unnecessarily (initiated by mum, but difficult to determine who was driving this decision - abuser?). I did speak to DH brother at the time, who told me that his daughter had a tendency to lie and that I shouldn't be surprised that myself and DH had been limited in when we could see our niece, owing to the perceived malicious SS referral.

Roughly 10 years later, our niece and her sibling and mum have been rehoused for DV amongst other things. To be clear, not from the dad mentioned above, but the step dad, who will appear in court next year.

I can't help but feel angry and guilty that I should have pushed harder. Our niece disclosed to me and although trying and going through the 'right channels' these concerns were not addressed and instead she and her family endured years of abuse.

SS had at least 2 separate places putting a referral through, but nothing (1 from myself and other from nursery). It was missed.

I'm interested whether the earlier referrals will be looked into again, whether questions will be asked in why was it missed. I just feel angry. I know my anger is reactive at the moment and I'm still in shock but wondering how others would feel about all of this, any advice?

OP posts:
Bornnotbourne · 26/12/2024 04:38

I don’t really understand this one. The mum was in a relationship ten years ago with dad who is abusing her then left for stepdad who is also abusing her.

ThatKhakiMoose · 26/12/2024 04:56

Bornnotbourne · 26/12/2024 04:38

I don’t really understand this one. The mum was in a relationship ten years ago with dad who is abusing her then left for stepdad who is also abusing her.

I'm guessing the bio mum and dad were separated and the stepdad was in the picture at the time of the earlier violence. The mum and stepdad might not have been married yet.

ThatKhakiMoose · 26/12/2024 05:00

That's heartbreaking, OP. You did your best, though. DV is notoriously hard to save victims from. The only person who can really do it is the intimate partner who's suffering from the violence. I tried really hard to save my family member from it, with the result that she's still with him and no longer speaks to me. You did what you could. There's actually nothing else you could have done, if the mum didn't get her and her children out. It was her responsibility to save her children, not yours.

arcticpandas · 26/12/2024 05:07

I think you have to make peace with knowing you did everything you could possibly do. It's really hard when the mum enables and is covering for the abuser. I still find it appalling how two separate referrals to SS did not end up with an intervention.

Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 15:34

Bornnotbourne · 26/12/2024 04:38

I don’t really understand this one. The mum was in a relationship ten years ago with dad who is abusing her then left for stepdad who is also abusing her.

I'm sorry for the confusion.

DH brother was with GF and they had a daughter, DH neice.

DH brother split with GF.

DH brother never abused GF or daughter.

GF met new man - they had a son together.

New man, stepdad to niece, abused new family.

OP posts:
Blanketssese · 26/12/2024 15:37

You did what you could.
What about your BIL?
What did he do to protect his child?

He dismissed his daughter as being a liar.
He sounds a great father that it went on for years and years more.

Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 15:37

ThatKhakiMoose · 26/12/2024 05:00

That's heartbreaking, OP. You did your best, though. DV is notoriously hard to save victims from. The only person who can really do it is the intimate partner who's suffering from the violence. I tried really hard to save my family member from it, with the result that she's still with him and no longer speaks to me. You did what you could. There's actually nothing else you could have done, if the mum didn't get her and her children out. It was her responsibility to save her children, not yours.

💐

Part of my anger is with the mum, even though objectively I know that's not how DV works. When I tried to reach out, she was angry I reported to SS, stating the referral was malicious, limited our access to niece. I know my anger is very misdirected. I'm also angry at DH brother who didn't listen to his daughter, stating to me she had a tendency to lie. Nobody listened to her.

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 15:39

arcticpandas · 26/12/2024 05:07

I think you have to make peace with knowing you did everything you could possibly do. It's really hard when the mum enables and is covering for the abuser. I still find it appalling how two separate referrals to SS did not end up with an intervention.

There was likely more. I remember dropping niece off and the abuser was there and I could sense his anger towards me. I knew something was off.

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 15:44

Blanketssese · 26/12/2024 15:37

You did what you could.
What about your BIL?
What did he do to protect his child?

He dismissed his daughter as being a liar.
He sounds a great father that it went on for years and years more.

Edited

He's got a history of being a mardy asshole with poor communication. If his daughter told me, she must have spoken to her dad about it.

We found out through DH mum and dad yesterday. No contact from his brother about it. Part off me wants him to feel guilty. I told him something was off, that behaviour communicates a niece, that even if the abuse she disclosed to me wasn't happening to her directly, she was getting it from somewhere. She even told nursery staff. DH brothers knew GF also followed the narrative that neice had a tendency to lie. I remember her being angry that the neice had brought SS to her door as part of their lateral checks. So many adults failed her.

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 15:45

Sorry - that behaviour communicates a need

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 15:46

Sorry again! DH brothers new GF (now wife) also followed the narrative that neice had a tendency to lie.

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 15:46

Does anyone know whether all the SS referrals will form part of the court case?

OP posts:
Shayisgreat · 26/12/2024 16:02

Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 15:46

Does anyone know whether all the SS referrals will form part of the court case?

Is it criminal proceedings or family law?

If criminal proceedings, police may ask the CS for their history but probably not.

If it is private family law proceedings, it is very likely that cafcass will be involved and will request info about all CS involvement with the family.

Ponoka7 · 26/12/2024 16:03

Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 15:46

Does anyone know whether all the SS referrals will form part of the court case?

Unlikely. He will go on trial for what he was arrested for. Do you know what the charges are?

Namenamchange · 26/12/2024 16:12

I don’t think it was missed. Just decided it didn’t meet criteria.

Safeguarding intervention levels are so high it’s very difficult to get SS to actually do anything. I have made many referrals, and have begged and pleaded for intervention and they have always come back as NFA. It’s heart breaking.

What really needs to happen is for SS to decide if mum is able to make choices that safeguard her children. If BIL is involved he needs to make this his business.

Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 16:19

@Shayisgreat I actually don't know. It's being heart in court if that helps decipher?

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 16:21

@Ponoka7 I don't know the actual charges just that he has a restraining order and will be in court next year.

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 16:21

I know the mum and 2 kids are in a new house after fleeing to a refuge.

OP posts:
JackieGoodman · 26/12/2024 16:29

Flowers you tried, hopefully niece will thank you when older, you believed her (mother may also do so in time)

Blanketssese · 26/12/2024 16:33

Sparklybutold · 26/12/2024 15:44

He's got a history of being a mardy asshole with poor communication. If his daughter told me, she must have spoken to her dad about it.

We found out through DH mum and dad yesterday. No contact from his brother about it. Part off me wants him to feel guilty. I told him something was off, that behaviour communicates a niece, that even if the abuse she disclosed to me wasn't happening to her directly, she was getting it from somewhere. She even told nursery staff. DH brothers knew GF also followed the narrative that neice had a tendency to lie. I remember her being angry that the neice had brought SS to her door as part of their lateral checks. So many adults failed her.

You did what you could OP.
This is NOT on you.

Both her parents failed her.
Not you.

I would make it clear to your niece that you did try.
I wouldn't listen to a word from your BIL.
What a shit father.

Harkinonnowhear · 26/12/2024 16:52

Families where this type of behaviour are typically dysfunctional. What makes a group of people dysfunctional usually is about how they misplace and redirect responsibility. These groups have bigger issues than what someone on the outside can address. Also whatever their previous patterns of behaviour were typically continue even when faced with incontrovertible evidence of their issues. They will target others rather than correctly apportioning responsibility. It is absolutely horrendous.

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