At rock bottom. How do I get back up?

[Lost589]

Nc and as nc suggests, I'm so lost. So, so lost.

My 20 year relationship has ended in September but still living together for next few months. My stbxh is so cold over it and I feel completely bereft. He does not deserve this, he lied, had an emotional affair, was generally shit/ emotionally/psychologically abusive. But I feel like my heart has been torn in two, stamped on, and put in a blender.

I have days when the anger is stronger and I feel more productive. Yesterday I downloaded tinder to see what it's like and I feel even worse. I didn't use real photos just scenic shots, and have absolutely zero intention of reaching out to anyone for a very long time.

What made me feel worse wasn't that they're not my type or don't compare but that they seem to live such full lives by comparison.

I have 1 best friend and a few aquintances.
No hobbies
I'm currently morbidly obese after comfort eating my way through the last four years.
I have 2dc, one with sen.

If I ever decide to date again, I'd have nothing to put on a profile, except fat, exhausted, hobbyless middle aged woman, who has lost all sense of fun seeks sporadic companionship around dcs needs.

I just don't know what to do or how to do.
It feels like I'm at my weakest point I've ever been at but I need to climb a mountain. I don't know where to start.

I know I don't need a man, but I crave physical touch so much. It's been so long since I've had a hug from an adult. Years for anything else.

I'm not sure what I'm asking tbh. Just some post heartbreak positive examples I guess or ladies who've changed their life around.

Sorry to hear that OP.

Your first job is getting out totally and then, I know it sounds cheesy, but ‘find yourself’. Who are you? What are your values? What brings you joy? What might you like to do with your time?

counselling might help you to do this discovery. Don’t get into another relationship yet. Learn to be fine on your own. It will mean that you are far less likely to pick a wrong-un again.

Good luck.

OP, your life has been shattered. I didn’t want to read and run. My ex h left me after a brief affair and I felt exactly like this. Felt like I had nothing to offer and dating felt like an absolute mountain to climb. Be kind to yourself, you will find yourself soon I promise and you know what, revenge is a dish best served cold!

Don't try to change too much too soon, but do one positive thing for you every day. First, please start being kinder to yourself - if you don't think you're the person you want to be yet, think about what your imagined interesting, happy self would do, and do some of those things.
Get out and meet new people not in a dating sense but just expand your circle. Start exploring new interests, hobbies and ways of moving and getting fit. Talk to your best friend and enlist her support.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. As painful as your STBXH being cold towards you must be, do not take that to mean that you're not worthy of love, because you are.

Thinking a long way ahead (e.g. prospects of a new relationship) might only add to the dark cloud engulfing you.

Focus on practicalities and small achievements. Got up? Check. Had a shower? Check. Played with DCs? Check. Give yourself gold stars all round!

Treasure your best friend, and still join some group in person or online, around a shared hobby or just for a natter. www.meetup.com

Practise being kind to yourself. I agree with PP about finding yourself.

I feel your pain; the deception is truly terrible. I think romantic love/touch needs to be on the back burner, much as you think you crave it. Your body is experiencing a dopamine drop and the feelings are physical but need to be weaned off, like a drug. Distraction is key. Finding things you used to love (get a sketch book, jigsaw puzzles, load up something on Netflix, book a holiday or have a friend over for dinner) to release dopamine can help, try not to channel it into food as an easy fix. Hugs are important so ask your bf if they mind a slightly longer hug. I'm sure they'll love it too. I think 15 seconds releases dopamine, so don't be afraid to rely on her as a source too.

Just to say also, try to tune in with your feelings on Netflix/shows. I went through a stage where I could only watch true crime (subconscious trying to figure out how men can be so cruel and cold, I suspect), then a lot of foreign true life/thrillers to check it was global and now can finally watch comedies again - for a long time i was glazing over and couldn't find the humour. Try to step back and really feel what you need. It's a good first step to figuring out what makes you tick again. Good luck.

Don't even try to start dating. As others have said, you need to find yourself, love yourself and then you will discover what you want in life. A good guide i read at the time I split was it takes half the relationship time to get back to you... so you'll need a couple years to become your single self.

I was single 5 yrs before met my husband, I tried dating earlier (a lot earlier) and it was a disaster, plenty of dates where they were idiots, where I didn't know what I wanted (but I knew i didn't want him), plenty of dates where "friends" were telling me I had too high expectations (!) and should lower them...

don't rush to date, youre more likely to find a predator who can spot the supply for their particular deviance (they know how to spot people they can take advantage of), and yoyre right open to be a next narcissist supply, after all the hurt youve gone through right now, why do you even want another man in your life right now, all you'd do is bleat to him about what the stbxh did, and how shit it was, compare him to him and why didn't you see, why couldn't you fix.

Take time to heal.

And find a way to split from the stbxh, that isn't a good situation to be in, get him out or get out.