Am I in the wrong here?

[CassieHT]

Ex husband buys me expensive Christmas and birthday presents from the children. I do not have the means to return this but the children always get to choose a book, small item of clothing along with his favourite chocolate and a card. It is meaningful but probably a tenth of what he spends. I say thank you for the gifts but I also say it is too much - I would be happy with a book etc chosen by children. He is always passive aggressive in his response either by not responding at all to say thanks for his gift which I know he will think is crap or will say something like the children wanted to spend it which they don’t as they are quite young. Huge amount of gaslighting during marriage so sometimes I think I’m in the wrong even when I’m not. I would also if I could spend more but I can’t.

What you do for him sounds sweet and meaningful and very much on the level of what my DC give my DH and I (via the other parent). Definitely not crap! Ignore him if he tries to make you feel any other way.

A gift should be given for the pleasure of the other person receiving it not transactional for for that. You shouldn’t feel bad about spending money you don’t have. If you had loads of spare money and still got him much cheaper presents it might be a bit harsh but even then you’re telling him not to spend as much and he still is….
that’s his choice.

the gifts he’s giving you don’t make you feel good now so that’s not the point of a gift!
I’d just leave him to it and keep doing what you’re doing.
You can’t change someone else. You can only change your reaction to them.

What is it you think you're "in the wrong" about?

You thank him for the gifts and say it really isn't necessary but he shrugs this off. You give him gifts from the children that fit your budget which is perfectly fine.

Neither one of you is in the wrong. And what he thinks isn't your problem anymore. If he wants to overspend that's his issue and there's no reason for you to do the same. Don't waste any more time worrying about it.

Eh… let him do what he wants; now that he’s an ex, his choices aren’t your problem. Just say “thanks” and don’t worry about your gifts matching.

Also agree with others book, clothing and card is lovely gift especially for an ex…I don’t think you have anything to feel bad about.
if he wanted to he could buy you a smaller gift (as you’ve requested) and buy himself something fancy but he’s preferring to be passive aggressive and stubborn about it

try to drop the rope. What you’re doing is fine. If he’s unhappy about it he can adapt to make his present smaller not guilt you into you buying bigger

It sounds as if you are fairly consistent about what you get him with your children, so it's entirely up to him if he wants to match that or spend more. Maybe there's some element of showing off or power play behind it, but that's only going to work if you react - just ignore that and carry on doing what you're doing.

Do you really want to continue doing the gifts for him? Or is it because you feel you have to? If they're young, they possibly won't care or notice if it stops.
If you feel you want to do it then just carry on and don't say anything apart from thanks for the gift. Just that line and no more.

You're dealing well a gaslighter so you can't enter the dance with them. You stay detached emotionally. You can say thanks for the gift and no more. You can continue with gifts from kids only if you want to. I personally wouldn't bother whilst young.

Just don't mention it any to him. It will all be part of some game so you just detach emotionally from this. Less communication with him the better all round.

I don’t know the details of your relationship, but I’d simply do one thing ‘Thankyou’. Nothing more. It may be the extra value is to show you that he has more, it may be that is what he’d spend on gifts anyway. So just a thanks and move on. No response required.

I feel I’m not producing good enough gifts. It’s a legacy from our marriage. One Christmas I bought him from the children an illustrated picture of them with a very meaningful from a local artist and he spent ages telling me how he didn’t like it etc. He thinks expensive gifts are the only ones worth anything. I know he will be scoffing at his gift this Christmas and I know he isn’t happy as he ignored my thank you message despite reading it. But yes this is my issue - I just feel bad that I am ‘taking’ his money.

If I don’t say thanks then I will be ‘ungrateful’.

You are not, he is giving it. Not your circus. No reason to feel bad.

Let the twat scoff away. He's your ex and if it was me he'd be lucky to get anything at all. Let him carry on believing he's better than you because he gets more expensive gifts and you just carry on happy in the knowledge you're no longer tied to a gaslighting controlling egotistical prick😁 don't ever let him make you feel less than. You're better than him and deep down you know that hence the fact he's an ex

@CassieHT if he's a gaslighter, have you read up on these personality types and what they do and why? He isn't doing it because he loves you. You've told him it's too much. He still does it. So just forget it and move on. Thanks is enough. Let him carry on. He probably knows you're the type to feel guilty! He probably knew this during your relationship and exploited that. So what if he calls you ungrateful. Don't reply to that message. I suggest you read up on a technique called grey rocking. It's a communication method for dealing with twats like him. You need to be prepared to let go of the drama too which can be difficult if it's a dynamic you've been used to

You're just entering into unnecessary drama over presents because you're falling for his manipulation.

How about saying that you’ll not give gifts to each other at all anymore.

gifts only for the kids.
sounds like it only causes you both to be unhappy and he sounds like he just wants a moan.
say no gifts for each other or set a max budget that works for you and then if he chooses to do otherwise then that’s on him.

no need to feel bad. You’ve told him you can’t afford expensive gifts. You’ve told him not to buy big gifts for you…
he’s not listened.

no gifts would be more straightforward.

No, keep him out of your head now. It's not your job to jump through his hoops. You got out, it's all good.

I feel I’m not producing good enough gifts

Sorry, but that sounds like a "you" problem. I can see where your marital history laid the ground work for this, but you are no longer married and need to train yourself to detach from feeling you need or want his approval.

How old are the children? Mine are under 6 and presents for us are chosen by them from Tesco or Sainsburys and have ranged from underpants with funny or rude 😂 things on them, slipper socks, candles, their favourite chocolates though eldest chooses what we like now. The point is they have chosen it themselves not what it is. Me I buy things on Vinted, marketplace etc when I can to save money and we don’t (yet) need to get branded stuff. Don’t buy into this. He is still exerting control.

When me and dc1 father separated I got him from dc some of his favourite aftershave. Which I could barely afford. He said sarcastically how original..gee thanks
That was the last gift I ever got him from dc. And I chose the cheapest 29p card in card factory.
His now DW got from ds to Ex.

And for me when dc got to maybe 5 I took him to the card shop. Gave him money then asked a worker if not busy to help dc choose a card , then dc chose whatever they wanted for me, sometimes a mug, chocolate, teddy , i always stood inside the door anyway to keep an eye. But it was meaningful as dc chose it. It didn't matter that I had paid for it myself.

Send a standard 'thank you, the presents are lovely' message every time,and cross your fingers behind your back when you press send. Don't say they are too expensive. Don't engage with any comments he makes about your presents, just say 'you're welcome'. Basically do the polite reply he can't find fault with while also sort of grey rocking him.

I have always said to the kids, less than a tenner, a token gesture only

What do you mean, you buy your EX husband presents (and then worry about not being good enough)? Sorry I had to read your post twice to see if I got that right. Just tell him ‘no more presents next year’ - and done! Before you say ‘but it’s from the children!’ No. It’s not really from the children. The children can buy someone else a present and learn how to write a card by writing one for someone else, and only buy a present for you when they are old enough to do it themselves. Problem solved.

The fact your kids are young probably makes it more likely that they want to get you the expensive stuff - mine decided that I needed a PS5 this year when my mum took him shopping because the PS4 is starting to lag a bit.
Also even though I know it's my parents who take the kids shopping and use their money to get my Christmas and birthday presents I always thank the kids not my mum and dad. Same as my mum and dad thank the kids and not me for the presents from the kids even though they know I've brought and paid for them.

Thank him politely and say nothing more. If you make a point of saying it too much you're just inflating his ego.

As kids get older make a point of letting them choose his gift

Just don’t buy him gifts anymore - I know you have children together but I would nil this in bud going forward.

No one is making him spend money on expensive gifts. He chooses to. So he can be better than you. Don't give it a second thought honestly. This is how he wants you to feel. He's an ex for a reason. You made the effort for your kids, that's all that matters.