My family don’t care

[DavieB]

Iv read a few posts here so just to sum up-I know my kids are -my kids and I don’t expect anything from anybody. Well-I don’t expect much.
My kids are 3 & 1, and my family have always been close. When I have my first my family would offer occasionally to babysit (watching the monitor baby sitting-never to spend time with them) which was great, they would also call by every now and again for a cup of tea to see the kids for 10 mins-once a month or so. They have never spent 1 on 1 time with them, never taken them on a walk etc. Come holiday time though-big money is spent on them.
I had always hoped to have a more involved family with my children but it was what it was and that was ok with me.
Fast forward a year, that all started to stop. They would only see my kids when we would brings kids to them, they never call around. It began to get in on me quiet a bit so I addressed it with them in a polite way and was made out that I was wrong and that they do go above and beyond.
so 2 years ago I started to step back and let them put in the effort. This resulted in them now seeing my youngest about 10 times since he was born and having no interest what so ever in my family.
i know this might sound that I am looking for more than I should but-they live 5 mins away, my mam is in good health (70s) my brother & sister are early 40s (no kids). But all I want is for them to care some bit about my family. If this was a friend I was speaking about I would happily just take a step back and let the friendship dissolve, but being family-this hurts like a knife.
I have tried speaking to them again which has come on deaf ears.
Im kind of done with them to be honest, they aren’t people who I would want to be any type of role model for my children.
Any advice? 😔

I felt this way with one of my parents after the other one died. I learned over the years that any attempts to change them were not going to work and would just cause me pain, because I would work on things and explain my feelings and hope things would be different and then just be so sad and disappointed over and over again. In the end I decided to accept them for who they are, enjoy the aspects of the relationship I liked, and not expect anything more. This took years but acceptance has brought me a lot of peace. I hope you get there too. xxx

Sounds pretty normal for a brother and sister, especially as they don't have kids. So it's really just your Mum who I think it isn't normal that she doesn't seem arsed.

Look up the "let them" theory. Basically you are getting stressed and upset because people are not acting how you want them to act, but you can't change them or how they think or how they act, you can only change how you respond to them. So if someone doesn't come to visit "let them", if someone doesn't act how you would "let them", you may not act that way, you may not like how they act, but you can only control how you react to their action.

know this might sound that I am looking for more than I should but-they live 5 mins away, my mam is in good health (70s) my brother & sister are early 40s (no kids). But all I want is for them to care some bit about my family

You can't make someone care for someone, you can't make someone love someone, you can't make someone act a certain way. You need to accept that they don't, hurtful - yes, can you change it? no. Your duty is to your children and yourself.

Drop the rope OP, you cannot make people be how you'd like them to be.

So if the 2 options are (historically) them popping in for 10 minutes, to your ideal situation of them taking the kids out for the day 1 to 1, have you tried middle ground of "I'm taking the kids to Pirate Jims petting zoo today, it's only up the road from you and there's a cafe that does really nice food. The 3 year old would love to see you. Do you fancy joining us?". Would anything like that work do you think?

I’m sorry OP but I think you are being a bit unreasonable and have set your expectations without considering the other side. You seem to be expecting them to make your kids the centre of their world. Your brother and sister are in their early 40s with no kids - it’s understandable that every aunt and uncle doesn’t want to spend a lot of 1-1 time with their little nieces or nephews, especially in their limited weekend if they work full time. Little kids are often exhausting to be around and maybe your mum just feels like she’s done all of that in her time.

Thanks cheesyonion pie. Completely see where you are coming from. But in 4 years to not spend more than 10 mins with my eldest, not seeing my youngest in 1 year, living 5 mins around the corner? Like I’m not looking for them to do much, but they would never ask after them, never visit them, they are god parents too and are less indifferent to a strangers dog…..! Like I know they are my kids, to set expectations etc..:but for them to not care at all-just seems odd at the least

Tried all that over the years-no joy. Not once.

Hi OP
I can totally understand how you are feeling.
As much as it hurts, you have done all you can. If it's falling on deaf ears on how you are feeling, or as you have extended the invites , I'm not sure it's you with the issue. You have projected some expectations on to them but we are all guilty of that and hurting our own feelings when others aren't behaving as we would or we would expect.
My advice - enjoy your children, enjoy making your own memories, and let your family be.

I think you just need to accept it, unfortunately, some people aren't going to change. My parents are exactly the same, no real interest and live 5 mins away. I've detached a bit from them tbh because they're so uninterested. They never call me or ask about the kids or me or come over and don't seem too happy about me coming over.
If you think back to your own childhood, you may find some answers....

When I thought back, growing up I can't remember my mother reading stories to me or even giving me a hug. Whenever I spoke to her as a kid she never engaged with me, just tuned me out or fobbed me off. She seems to find kids 'too much', too noisy, too much hassle and often snaps at them. Once she even snapped at a strangers child in front of us and the child was almost crying and she didn't even realise it was because of her. She doesn't have much self awareness and has few friends and no close friends. So how could I expect her to know how to, or even want to, build a relationship with my kids? Maybe your mother is the same. It makes me sad cos my sister has a wonderful mother in law, the same age and kids the same age, who does lovely things with my nieces - nature walks, baking, sleepovers, offers to collect them from school, and lives further away from them. It makes me really sad mine will never have anything like that.

I think if you don’t have kids then anything kid related isn’t on their radar. I had kids late thirties and early 40s. I was a 35yo who had zero interest in kids till then. Not on purpose but just something not featured in my daily life. Also your mum is in her 70s and while she may be fit, a 3 and 1yo is so exhausting to be around.
I have a 3yo and I’m so exhausted myself, I can’t imagine doing any form of childcare in my 70s.

do they call you at least and ask after the kids ?

Just leave them to it just because someome has children does not automatically mean other people want to have anything ro do with children, why is it assumed they will?

You have made your decisions they have made theirs