To not know how to be heard anymore? Never mind respected or valued.

[Swipeuptounlock]

Just that really, my voice means absolutely nothing in my house. Anything I ask of my kids goes ignored they don’t respect or listen to me at all they swear and shout and fight. I feel like I’ve tried everything, quiet, peaceful, gentle shouting absolutely exhausting and miserable and I have no idea how to change what goes on inside my home or my children’s behaviour. They’ve started to perform poorly in public and around relatives to which I found really embarrassing although at least my family members will call them on their poor behaviour or disrespectful latitude towards me.
I feel like I’ve read all the books blogs watch the videos, et cetera, but that it’s hopeless. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

How old are they?

You need a firm negative consequence and see it through

In our house it's a 24 hour screen ban for repeated poor behavior

Unless there's an issue with a mental health disorder or an undiagnosed social issue, when children and youths exhibit poor manners and behaviour to their parents, relatives and community, it's usually down to a case of "you reap what you sow".

If you or your significant other have been lax in establishing standards or setting boundaries (or you've not been explicit in setting reasonable consequences), then, over time, your guidance and control will diminish or disappear entirely.

Are there missing pieces of information in your stating the lead up to now?

After 50+ years working with children and families, I can, touch wood, say that there's not many outrightly bad kids but the western world is awash with poor parenting and poor role-modelling from adults, parents and grandparents.

If I'm wrong, make it clear to me why your situation is different ... or tell me who, outside your family, has the time and ability and access to your children that has instiled these negative/unacceptable behaviours in them.

How old are the kids and can you give us an example of a time they didn't listen to you?

Negative and insulting behaviours are a pandemic in this country; not sure why

I think you’re probably spot on here…how can I change our futures though?

It's partly about connection and partly about boundaries. I'm not sure what age your kids are. But I would start with this website. There is a guide for different ages under topics https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/

https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/How-get-kid-listen

I didn't see "consequences" on your list of the "everything" you've tried. When they ignore you, what actually happens? Anything?

If they don't listen, time to stop talking. Tell them - once - what the consequence will be if they don't obey you and follow the house / family rules, and follow through.

How old are they?
How many of them?
Does their father live in the home?
Who are their role models?
What are your expectations of them?
What have been your expectations of them in the past?

I don’t think I have consequences for them - 4 kids 14-7 years, father is in and out of the home (due to working circumstances)
2 kids are neurodiverse, one medicated. If a consequence is given (ie screen time) then screaming shouting fighting will result in chaos which cascades to them all and then I just have absolute chaos which diverts from the initial issue.

So for ND kids in particular, punishing by withholding screens doesn’t work- that’s removing a coping strategy and won’t teach them anything.

Consrquences should be direct. - if you don’t get ready, we’ll miss the event. If you don’t wear a coat you’ll get cold and won’t enjoy yourself as much.

Your goal is to train your kids into rounded adults, not make them obey, show them who’s boss or make them sorry.

I should have added my neurotypical children (eldest) are probably the most challenging. The youngest with co-existing ADHD/ASD seems to thrive on chaos and will leap and scream and shout at the first sign on conflict-for example I ask the eldest to end a game so we can leave the house, they shout and say no etc then the younger one will somehow be one involved and things just become hectic. This is when I’m alone which is most of the time, if their father is around he will often not be involved or is quite confrontational or just ignore and get annoyed with me when I refuse to leave the children home alone to go somewhere 40+minutes away.

So you ask them to put a game away and the 14 year old shouts at you?

What are the consequences? I’d be taking the game away for a week. Then rinse and repeat until they get the message that they should be respecting their mother. Ditto with phones etc.

All of this talk about "consequences" always focuses on negative consequences for bad behaviour.

Why does no-one talk about consequences for good behaviour?

Praise them for doing what you want them to do. Talk about their behaviour being good or bad, not them as a bad person.

Use the "when you do x, I feel y" formula so they understand that you are a person with feelings.

When you are playing quietly, I feel happy.

When you are arguing, I feel sad.

Etc.

14-7 years, father is in and out of the home (due to working circumstances)
2 kids are neurodiverse, one medicated. If a consequence is given (ie screen time) then screaming shouting fighting will result in chaos which cascades to them all and then I just have absolute chaos which diverts from the initial issu

^

Okay ..... So??? It's chaotic and there's a load of shouting, which is unpleasant but not the end of the world????

And what happens after that? Do you stick with the consequence regardless of the chaos, or back down?

You have a conflict of needs which may require different styles of parenting.
As a PP said, your ND DC will likely respond to a different parenting strategy than your NT DC. This can be hard to implement as it may look to NT DC like you're being inconsistent. Threads like these often tank as many posters have no experience of parenting ND DC and suggest conventional parenting advice which would likely make little sense in a family like yours. Please don't take this to heart ‐it sounds as if you have intuitively parented to your ND DC's needs but that your NT DC need something extra. Could it be that your NT DC have entered pre-teens / teens (and are therefore experimenting with indivituation and pushing boundaries as a natural part of growing up) at a time when your younger DC's ND needs are becoming more apparent? (Or have I misread the ages?) If so, it's peak tough and you will need to be clear about what expectations and strategies are appropriate for your different DC.
Your NT teen is old enough to understand that just like you don't wake a shift-working parent, leave shoes strewn in the hall when grandma is visiting with her walking frame, or feed whole grapes to a toddler nephew, they're expected to modify their behaviour at times like the one you describe so as not to exacerbate your ND DC's sensory-seeking and over-stimulated nervous system.