Always me

[Alwaystryingtoseethepositive]

I tried my hardest to be happy and make it a good day for everyone, but as soon as we are all sat to the table it feels like a ‘let’s pick fault at mum’ opportunity. This happens at most family meals. I try to ignore it but when they all decide to go at it, I eventually snap back at them. DH then jumps in to say I need to stop arguing with them. Yes I’m probably OTT and acting a child myself, but it feels they pick at literally every thing I say or do. I’ve honestly had enough and am thinking next year I’ll spend xmas away from them all.
4 x DC range from early to late teens.

YABU- I Should ignore them and bite my tongue
YANBU- I’ve every right to get annoyed and say so

Nope, we squabble all the time as a family.

They sound awful.

Ditch them next year and take yourself out for lunch. Plenty of restaurants open on Christmas Day. No company is better than shit company.

There's a great thread going about eating out solo on Christmas Day - read it for inspiration.

Why do you ignore it when it happens, there's the problem right there.

Thanks both. I’ve gone out for a breath of fresh air and am in no hurry to return.

I tell them to stop/enough but it carries on. By ignore, I mean I try not to stoop so low as to get annoyed and snapping back.
They seem to think it’s all light hearted and don’t understand why I get so annoyed.

That's the best thing you can do - just go for a walk and a breath of fresh air.

Could you message them afterwards to say how it makes you feel?
I often find it easier to get my words, thoughts and feelings across in a text.
That way they can't see if you get upset. (I usually end up in tears if I try to tell them in person).

They shouldn't be making you feel like rubbish.
They need to know how it is affecting you.

What are some of the things they say?

If, for example, they're criticising the food then they just volunteered to cook every one of their meals from now on.

I wouldn’t wait and wait and then snap: be frank right upfront.

As soon as someone digs then make it clear that if they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t speak! It doesn’t have to be a row, but be honest that it’s unnecessary and hurtful.

Yep if the are criticising you and things you do for them then stop doing those.

Meals, they cook their own.

No they don’t criticise food etc. It’s twisting what I say or picking at what I’ve said or done in the past. It’s like it’s something they have in common to talk about and laugh at together. When I tell them enough they say it’s just a joke. When it carries on and I get upset it then gets put back on me. I overreacted, I caused the argument.

It's only a joke if everyone's laughing.
What you describe sounds more like bullying.

Do you have to be in their company? Because I'd rather fuck off to an ibis than spend a day being the butt of every joke.

I know a family who used to do this (about 20 years ago). It was awful and one time apparently the mum just started crying silently at the table, the dad then told this as a funny anecdote. They're divorced now.

What do they actually say Op?

Sounds horrible OP.
It's a family squabble if everybody's laughing and not just one person being the butt of joke.
That's called bullying.
Can you get away for a couple of days?
And I would seriously reconsider your relationship with your DH, the kids get it from him.
I would stop also doing things for them like cooking, cleaning, etc. If someone treats you horribly they don't get help.

Where is DH in this? Does he laugh along, join in or tell them to stop?

It’s not a joke if you are not laughing and feel picked on. I would have a word with your DH and tell him, yes tell him, it’s not funny and you expect him to have your back when it starts. If he says it’s a joke you say it’s not as you don’t find it funny and feel bullied and picked on and upset, they are your feelings and he can’t tell” you how to feel

I would tell him he either stops it when it’s starts, or you will simply stop doing family meals and he can do it all

So basically they gang up and bully you.

Why isn't DH calling them out if this and presenting a united front with you?

Not sure I’d let them know they’re hurting me. Feels like that would just give them more power.

They owe you respect and your husband should be insisting that’s what you get from them.

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You are being bullied by your own children and they are waiting for you to snap, that's the purpose of doing it, they are amused by it.

You need to get DH on board to help you stop all discussions like this from continuing the moment they start up. If you put up a united front it will help. Nip it in the bud, just ignoring it isn't working, they know how to keep pushing your buttons until you snap, then they can blame you for getting upset.

So you are basically bullied every time you sit down together by your kids but hubby thinks you shouldn't stop them. Where did they learn such behaviour?

Your husband is a horrible man. You'd find your children would behave much better if he wasn't there allowing this behaviour and actively undermining you!

My honest advice is to get out of this relationship - your children will be much easier to manage and you can then put a stop to their awful behaviour.

In the meantime, talk to each of your children one on one and point out how rude and hurtful they are being. If they don't change, stop doing them any favours . They need to learn that if they treat people badly, those same people won't be inclined to go out of their way to make life nicer and easier.

But honestly, divorce. The kids are kids but there's no excuse for your husband!

God this is so sad. Thank God she divorced him. Sorry OP that sounds horrid, teens can be vile and just not get it when they're crossing a line, they will hopefully be mortified remembering this in the future. No excuse for your husband though, he sounds like a knob.

Yes, have Xmas alone next year. Your family probably won’t invite you back anyway if you’ve caused all of this on Christmas Day over a comment or two. Seems to me like it was a fuss about nothing and you need to stop taking everything so personally. Can you be sure you are not also making comments? you might be being overly sensitive whilst also snapping yourself. It’s important to remember that teenagers have many emotions they are working with also so maybe give them some slack too! Just an idea 🙄