To feel I have let my DD down

[Frostythesnowman1]

I have nearly 6 year old twin girls. They are as different as they can be. One girl is very advanced for her age with reading & writing. My other girl is the opposite end of the scale, is in the intervention group at school, has possibly dyslexia (and I suspect ADHD)

She seems totally underwhelmed today with everything, all of her presents are too fiddly (even though she picked them) - think pen making set, 3D badges - all of these things she needs help with and cannot do on her own whereas her sister can manage on her own. We went through her Santa book where she cuts out pics from the Smyths book and she’d got the majority of things

I also got them a dance mat, DT1 is great and gets what to do straight away, her co-ordination is good. DT2 couldn’t follow it at all and then got so upset. The more we tried to explain it the more upset she got.

this wasn’t a case of DT2 being a brat, she wasn’t tantruming she just seemed really upset. It breaks my heart

maybe we built the day up a bit too much

just feeling a bit low and feel like I’ve let her down a bit

I have a child with ADHD and they struggle massively with Christmas. Often seem ungrateful but usually chill out later in the night and enjoy things. It's just very overwhelming for them.

That must be so hard.

You certainly haven't let her down.
You are doing everything you can.

I have a child with complex needs, and he too has really struggled today.
I spent so long carefully choosing presents I thought he would enjoy, but he has just wanted to be on his iPad.

Maybe watch a film together to distract from it all?
Something you can all enjoy together?

Poor coordination and fine motor skill issues sounds like dyspraxia, often comorbid with ADHD and dyslexia

Can she ride a bike?

Either way you've not let her down. But might have to think carefully on future gifts or work on fine motor skills and related finger muscles to help make things easier.

Whenever DD had a craft thing that I knew would be a little difficult for her I used to turn it into something we do together. I'd say how much I was looking forward to an afternoon of crafting or playing just with her. Add some snacks in and she was always very happy and those tricky gifts turned into lovely moments for together.

With games she struggled with I would act as if I couldn't do it either and turn it into a bit of a comedy so she was at least better than me.

Maybe a similar approach could help her a little?

Thank you

they got Hatchimals as well, she’s just been feeding one when it burped, oh my goodness she’s belly laughing now, it’s really cheered her up

i do feel the day is overwhelming and the build up is too much

My youngest is and has always been super physical and coordinated.

my eldest has dyspraxia .

when the eldest was 7 we got a climbing frame for the garden . Eldest struggled to do anything initially and very hesitant - desperately wanted to climb and do the monkey bars but coordination do poor they really really struggled and got so frustrated.

m this was made 100 times worse because the youngest took one look at the climbing frame and shimmied up it and along the monkey bars as if they had been doing it forever. They were 4 years younger and my eldest was totally gutted that (1) they couldn’t do it and (2) the little one could effortlessly - eldest was mortified and so embarrassed to not be able to do something that the little one could do.

I know I don’t have twins and I’m sure you are a brilliant mother who has always treated them as the individuals that they are - but your struggling twin has a constant ‘comparison’ to themselves whether you or anyone else highlights it - they will feel the shame of not being able to do things as easily as their twin.

it is so hard having any issues but having someone who is identical to you (in age etc) they will naturally feel it even more and beat themselves up for not being as good as their twin at xyz .

Sorry I don’t have a solution to make it any better but I think it’s just so important to acknowledge that they will be internalising so many messages from the world around them that they are different and not as good as their twin and will need so much support with their self esteem to learn to appreciate and celebrate the things that they are good at and that they enjoy. This is true for all siblings - but I think is even harder for multiples - when they are constantly compared or are comparing themselves.

Another ADHDer here who is underwhelmed or says she is. Apparently it’s not special enough despite the fact she’s having a lovely day full of fun It bloody stings though, I know.

I have no idea how I made that gif thing appear!

Gosh this is so like me as a Child, I'm dyspraxic and it was always frustrating when I didn't get things as quickly as others. Good news is 1. I found the things I am good at and 2. Over time I began to understand it wasn't my fault, I wasn't "bad" but my dyspraxia makes some things harder for me. I can remember being so upset when I couldn't learn to ride a bike without stabilisers when I was about 7 but my 5 year old brother mastered it in about an hour. It made me super determined and I'm definitely more resilient for it now as an adult even though there are some things I really can't do (weirdly - like use a can opener!). Be as supportive as you can (which it absolutely sounds like you are) and she will figure out her strengths :) merry Christmas x

I think you’re doing your best OP, and being very mindful of the differences between the twins. It sounds like Hatchimals is the perfect gift for her at the moment! I’m curious how the girls are with each other today, as it’s a change in routine for them. I imagine they are naturally ideal sources of moral support, but that’s probably because I don’t have much experience with being around twins and realise it could be different in reality. Regardless, wishing you and your family a lovely Christmas and many burps.

It’s weird in some ways she’s very co ordinated, she goes to gymnastics and absolutely loves it, is much better at it than her sister. She is very creative, draws amazingly well, which we encourage very much. Her personality is red hot, she’s always making people laugh.

Mother of SEN kid here. The difficulty with all those activities to work on fine motor skills (even the fun ones) is that they are only fun for kids who don't need the practice. My child who was at 1st percentile in fine motor wouldn't do any of them at all, due to their difficulty and also comorbid SEN diagnosis, although he really needed the practice.
We just waited it out till he found things he really wanted to do and now he does those and some of them require huge coordination. But he's determined because they are his choice.

OP you haven't failed your daughter. Great advice from pps regarding making things into a special moment for the 2 of you, and just taking the focus off today and watching a movie or something.

I tell my children very openly that everyone struggles with something but we can't always see what it is, some are anxiety etc, and some only become clear later, but everyone grows up eventually and it all evens out.

One of mine has dyspraxia but doesn't show it in a "classic" way.

Taught herself to ride a bike at 3, could scooter very early and run like the wind.

Fine motor skills are poor as are her processing skills.

2 of my kids (inc 1 who is a twin) are ND and find birthdays and Christmas quite anticlimactic.

I can’t change how they feel about the day but I can change how I feel about how they feel! I take photos when they are enjoying themselves to ‘prove’ that it’s not all been melancholy. I buy carefully managed ‘surprises’ that they find easier to deal with on days when it’s all a bit overwhelming than what they’ve asked for (they still get that too but it’s somehow easier the next day,). I try not to get too involved in their happiness, it’s really ok to learn how to manage how we feel and it won’t be happy all the time, but I make sure I’ve given them whatever they needed to process - time, space etc. It’s definitely not foolproof but that’s how we manage.

Ps. Celebrate their differences, I’m sure you do anyway, and make sure they aren’t comparing themselves too much. There’s enough people outside of home who will do that for them! If they like the same things then find something separate for each of them too, something that’s just their own. It’s the one piece of advice I didn’t follow as I didn’t understand it but, now mine are teens, I realise it’s value for their self esteem as it’s an area they can’t be compared in. Mine could definitely have done with that.

My sons been overwhelmed and switching between angry and teary all day, got him a new ps5 game but didn't realise it's mega hard and he couldn't do it, daddy had a go and couldn't do it either, cue a massive shouting match and now everyone's pissy and in different rooms, ah Christmas 😖

I’m not sure what’s happened to me, I’ve just been into check on them before bed and I’m now sobbing 😭 maybe this day has been too much to me too.

I haven’t cried like this in so long.

maybe I just need a good sleep

She sounds like a wonderful little girl! You've not let her down. Keep an eye over the next days and weeks to see whether she gets on with any of the gifts after time to get used to them, or just doesn't like them - that will help you see if the issue was the gifts or the pressure of the day

Thank you, I just worry about her so much (well I worry about them both or course but for different reasons and to different degrees)

she’s never been long term seriously ill thank goodness but we’ve had sepsis, severe sleep apnea due to grade 4 tonsils & adenoids, endocrinologist due to her not growing (she still isn’t on the height centile chart but is doing much better)

her teacher says she tries so hard but it’s very difficult for her, whe wears ear defenders sometimes to concentration but her reading & writing levels are quite poor. The worst thing is the concentration levels, they are non existent, except when she’s drawing ❤️❤️❤️

Try and get her an occupational therapy assessment

I have a 17 year old ADHD’er. He finds it all very overwhelming and was tired because he doesn’t have a very good sleep pattern. He looked totally underwhelmed with everything he unwrapped. His mood picked up a lot throughout the day and he messaged me last night to say he’d had a great day and said he was sorry if he’d seemed ungrateful. He actually loved all his presents.

It can be an emotional day for everyone where anxieties can surface and be felt more intensely than usual.

You didn’t let your daughter down. Try to frame it in your mind more positively, like you will provide a mix of presents next year & cut down on the fiddly ones. They take longer to get the hang of and there is pressure on Christmas Day for everything to go well immediately. We’re all a bit unrealistic in that regard I feel.

I know they are twins but I hope you don't compare them openly in front of them.

As a twin, I can still remember the "twin 2 is doing this blah blah". It didn't spur me (twin 1) on, it had the opposite effect, I just used to down tools.

People say it must be wonderful being a twin. Well it isn't, forever being compared to the one you love most. And it isn't because I had unfavorable comparisons, it's just shit.

Now we're older it's "ooh, you look younger than twin 2", "twin 2's carrying excess weight".
I just want to say fuck off, I don't care 😁

Sorry, went a bit off piste there 🤭

OP try to be nice to yourself.

I have DD15 ADHD and hyperlexia and have over time mastered the art of buying gifts she loves. Took me a few years!

What I've learnt...Lego is fab for her concentration and she still loves it because the instructions are really clear, ditto jigsaw puzzles. These tend to really draw out her "hyper focus" in a good way. Those "tiktok" colouring books and pens (thick nibs)

Fluffy socks, cosy PJs, comfy hoodies.

Bathbombs and nice smelling stuff.
Anything tech that's easy to use.

Honestly we put so much pressure on the day and I find it just causes disappointment. If the kids wanna have a few hours on screens then I'm. Trying to let it go instead of being annoyed that they aren't playing with all the new presents. I'm trying to just let things go 😂😭😭