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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband lied during row

5 replies

Perzival · 25/12/2024 12:48

Last night I had a big bust up with dh. I asked him to double check that I had come out of a holiday booking properly as I was worried I'd pressed the wrong thing. He said he no because he didn't want to. This evolved into a huge row where he gave multiple different accounts of things which I called him out on and said it was lying/ gaslighted.

Everything went from bad to worse and I said I wanted to end the marriage. There were little stupid lies.

We have stressful lives as ds2 has complex needs requiring 24 hour care and the support of two people to leave the house. I also think ds1 (17) may have heard us arguing which I'm very sorry for as it will have spoilt his Christmas too.

Dh is carrying on as if nothing happened which although probably best for the children is irritating as hell.

What upset me so much wasn't even the refusal to check the booking (he was lay on the sofa playing a game on the ipad) it was the little stupid lies.

It all seems so silly and trivial but I keep coming back to why lie? If he lies about silly little things he could about big things.

OP posts:
ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 25/12/2024 16:53

What did he lie about?

TTPDTS · 25/12/2024 16:55

Honestly it sounds like a fight was picked, horrible things were said and neither of you sound like you came out of it in a great light.

Were you lying about wanting to end the marriage? Was that said to get a reaction?

Original poster
Perzival · 25/12/2024 17:31

Thank you for your replies. I'm not thinking clearly so happy to hear home truths if that makes sense.

He lied about things he said. So said x,y,z then denied saying it.

No I don't really want the marriage to end. I want him to be honest with me even if it's not what I want to hear. I feel like if he's able to lie about small insignificant things then he's able to lie about big things too. My AIBU I guess is dies everyone lie a little to their partner?

We've spoken a little since and he says he lied because he wanted to end the conversation and thought that was the quickest way to do it. He didn't think I'd pull him on the lie aspect.

I know I'm not coming out of this great and my behaviour isn't brilliant. I also know we're both at breaking point (just had ds2's social care/respite package re assessed- it isn't a nice process).

The good news is ds1 didn't hear us.

OP posts:
ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 25/12/2024 18:50

Perzival · 25/12/2024 17:31

Thank you for your replies. I'm not thinking clearly so happy to hear home truths if that makes sense.

He lied about things he said. So said x,y,z then denied saying it.

No I don't really want the marriage to end. I want him to be honest with me even if it's not what I want to hear. I feel like if he's able to lie about small insignificant things then he's able to lie about big things too. My AIBU I guess is dies everyone lie a little to their partner?

We've spoken a little since and he says he lied because he wanted to end the conversation and thought that was the quickest way to do it. He didn't think I'd pull him on the lie aspect.

I know I'm not coming out of this great and my behaviour isn't brilliant. I also know we're both at breaking point (just had ds2's social care/respite package re assessed- it isn't a nice process).

The good news is ds1 didn't hear us.

I’ve been in this situation, while it may sound trivial it is actually a complete and total mind fuck.

It is horrendous having someone outright deny what you heard with your own ears, I felt abused when this happened and as if I was going crazy.

I’ve been in relationships where I have suffered all sorts of abuse, I can honestly say, hand on my heart, this is the worse type of abuse I had to deal with and I’ve been hit, cheated on and sexually assaulted. That won’t be the same for everyone, of course, but this, well this absolutely broke me.

Feel free to show him what I wrote, he needs to understand how awful this feels. I hope he never does that again.

Original poster
Perzival · 25/12/2024 20:31

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 25/12/2024 18:50

I’ve been in this situation, while it may sound trivial it is actually a complete and total mind fuck.

It is horrendous having someone outright deny what you heard with your own ears, I felt abused when this happened and as if I was going crazy.

I’ve been in relationships where I have suffered all sorts of abuse, I can honestly say, hand on my heart, this is the worse type of abuse I had to deal with and I’ve been hit, cheated on and sexually assaulted. That won’t be the same for everyone, of course, but this, well this absolutely broke me.

Feel free to show him what I wrote, he needs to understand how awful this feels. I hope he never does that again.

Show quote history

Thank you for your reply, I'm sorry you've gone through all that. I hope things are better for you now x

We've spoke/ argued again and he just doesn't get it. I did show him your post in hope it'd make him think a little.

I feel awful for my kids as they must pick up on the tension or overhear us talking. It's just not a happy place to be.

He's sulked off to spend 30 minutes hiding in the bathroom.

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