DM illness and Christmas

[Namerchangee]

AIBU?

For context - my parents moved closer to us last December. My DF died earlier this year, leaving DM living on her own but very close to me and my DH and kids. DM has been unwell the last few weeks - both shingles and non-specific lurgy and a cough. We’ve been to A&E and she’s had a GP home visit. She’s adamant that she has some kind of infection but all bloods and obs state not. She’s not coming over this morning to see us or to have dinner with my in-laws later at theirs. She’ll be alone most of the day, her first Christmas without my DF.

Could she not just dose up and be with us? AIBU? She sounds absolutely fine over the phone. Perhaps I am being selfish. I now won’t see either of my parents today but i
know I will be busy enough with my kids.

Don't make this about you. Your poor mum is not feeling well enough to come out

Have a lovely day with your kids and see your mum when she is better

She doesn't sound well.

We have moved Xmas to my parents as they are both poorly and i am looking after them. Mum may stay in bed all day, but at least I get Xmas with DH and DD2.

Maybe she needs to be alone? Maybe she feels playing the part of 'Granny having a merry Christmas' is too much right now?
Are you feeling any guilt about her being alone today?

can you pop and see her, perhaps with a plate of food?

perhaps she wants to wallow?

Yes, I’m going round later with plated up Christmas dinner.

It'll be a difficult day for her probably and she's probably a bit stressed and not feeling 100%.

If she wants to be on her own just check in on her later and see if she wants to visit tomorrow instead.

I can’t work out if she’s being obstinate or you are! Have a chat with her, could you pop over and see her?

I should have said above - I am going over later with a plate of Christmas dinner and to give her some gifts.

Maybe she doesn't feel like she can keep it together in front of you and your in laws. Maybe she would prefer to be by herself.

Stop being so selfish. She may be physically unwell or she may not.
Whatever is going on she wants to be alone on Christmas day, her first as a widow. And that’s ok. Leave her be.

Op just go with the flow and do what she wants.

I’m not trying to. I am also grieving my Dad. I’m just trying to see other perspectives on the situation.

Going over later is a good compromise. Put it out of your mind and have a lovely day x

Thanks for your reply. I don’t think there’s a need for you to sound so harsh. I am leaving her be. I’m popping round with dinner and presents for her and she will be alone the rest of the day. I am also grieving the loss of my father today. Merry Christmas.

Thankyou

Mum lost my stepdad 3 years ago, and this is the first year since then that she has actually felt like doing Christmas at all. The first one, she just wanted to be alone and sit with her memory of him, and deal with another ‘first’ in her own way.

Last year, she also wasn’t feeling like celebrating and instead had a friend who is also a widow over in the afternoon for tea and cake.

This year, we are at her’s and she’s excited and happy and really getting stuck in. There is no right way to handle the loss of your husband, only what makes it easier to cope.

I realise you’ve also lost your dad and that you’re also grieving, but grief is not a competitive sport and I think it’s safe to say her life has changed more than yours with his loss. Let her handle this her own way. It’s enough that she knows she would be welcome at yours. Maybe phone her to wish her a happy Christmas and say something kind.

You suggested in your OP that you might be being selfish?

You sound as if you don’t believe that she is ill. Perhaps she has picked up on that.

Grief at Christmas is unbearable. Hers is as valid as yours.

I hope you have a peaceful day.

the first christmas without a parent is hard. As is the first christmas without your spouse. I am sorry for your family's loss.

When this happened to us, we all took my mum's lead. She wanted to be alone, and so we let her set the tone and the pace. And she has done that ever since.

You have your DH, your DCs and your ILs. You will be sad, you will, however, be fine. Losing a parent is the normal course of things and it is hard but you have support. But in this one, i feel, the widow is in the centre of the circle.

and if she's feeling under the weather, leaving her to her own devices but checking in is the way to go.

You are grieving your Dad but have other distractions including your husband and children. Your Mum is grieving your Dad with whom I would assume she was with for many years. Along with feeling unwell the last things she may want to is to be with people who want a fun time. Christmas is a sad time for many.
Leave her be and visit her later as you have planned. She may be struggling inwardly with the loss of your Dad. Maybe later suggest some bereavement counselling.

Thanks all. I won’t be checking this thread further as I need to get on. I will be seeing my Mum briefly today with a plate of dinner and some presents and will check in on her by phone again this evening before she turns in. Merry Christmas all.

merry christmas @Namerchangee

I agree with this, she might want to stay home, reminisce and maybe have a good cry in private. Please respect her wishes. People actually don't respect older generations enough.

She doesn't want to come! She needs some alone time - solitude is a very precious thing.