4 month old baby - I need some encouragement

[HateMyLife887]

I'm finding things so hard at the moment. So so hard.

I didn't expect my baby to sleep so little for so long and for the sleep deprivation to be so hard. I didn't expect to still be suffering with PGP, I still can't go for a walk without being in agony. Sex is out of the question, my pelvic floor is incredibly tight and sore. Yes, I am getting physio. Breastfeeding is harder than I expected, it's taking everything out of me. My marriage is going downhill. DH has generally been pretty helpful and supportive but he's worn out too and I can tell he's frustrated with me and is slowly being less helpful.

I don't have any close friends with babies. I've met some nice women at baby groups but they're all SO positive, it's weird.

My own mother is the opposite - she's so negative about anything baby related, I don't even want to bring it up, she's that end of the scale negative that it's no help.

I don't know if I want a moan or words of encouragement.

I'm exhausted, lonely, touched out and overstimulated.

I remember this feeling SO well. I though I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and 4 months felt like 4 years of no sleep, leaky boobs, complete exhaustion.

do you need to maybe think about getting iron levels checked? Try to look after you as much as possible. Drop all the non important stuff like tidying. Lean on any friends, talk about it. I went to dr in the end and started antidepressants which really helped (still on now 5 yrs later).

it honestly DOES get easier but in the meantime take care of yourself xxx

I remember that feeling when my first born was 4 months. I broke down and told my husband I was just pretending to be ok but I wasnt. 4 months of sleep deprivation and bleeding nipples after a very difficult labour. It soooo hard op. Sleep deprivation is torture!

It isn't always this hard. I had two more so I did get happier!! And the subsequent ones were still sleep dodgers but I knew it was temporary then and that did help.

Your baby will start interacting much more with you soon which is the biggest help. You love them already but they daily become more and more them and little actual humans. And sleep does settle.

Mine didn't sleep through until I stopped bf at a yr but I got bigger chunks of sleep and with my first, he was a good napper so I could rest when he did. I think I actually rushed about doing chores but wish I'd rested. Do that if you can.

It's your husband's baby too and your body did all the week so at just 4 months in he should still be massively understanding!! But maybe explain how you're feeling.

Big hug. It will get easier and more enjoyable. Promise x

I didn’t want to read and run!

4 months in can be a really tricky time, especially if you’re not getting much sleep at all. Sleep deprivation is beyond painful and there’s no way to anticipate how hard it’s going to be.

As above, I would definitely get your iron checked. I take Feraglobin (liquid) and it has been nearly life changing for me - I can tell if I don’t take it for a few days. Perhaps taking a blend of multi vitamins (good quality ones) could start to support your general well-being?

I know you said walking is hard, but what about swimming? Could tire LO out too, so you can both nap when you get home.

Id get DH on board with specific times of the day to help - maybe bath run ect - to help you being touched out.

You will get there ❤️

4 months was a true low point for me with each of my 3 DCs - the feeling of newness and exhilaration from just after giving birth has well and truly worn off, and the bone-tired, all-consuming weariness has set in.

Honestly… do try to get in some help if you can. Babysitter, even a local teenager who can just hold the baby for 2 hours while you eat and nap and shower. Hard though it is, do try to get outside and get natural light during the day, even if you aren’t up to walking. I used to just sit out front with the baby bundled up, and wave to my elderly neighbours. Bits of sun and fresh air helped take the edge off my despair. And often babies seem more settled outside too.

Hang in there. I always found that around 2-3 weeks from this point, things started turning around. Survive one day at a time, try to be kind to yourself and to your DH. This phase is not forever.

Honestly, the days are long, the years are short. Looking back now this applies so much. My two as infants and now toddlers were and still sometimes are brutal. Parenting is a bloody tough job. It’s so hard. We ended up in therapy as we barely made it through child 1’s first 8 months. You’re not alone. Keep communicating, talk about the struggles, and reach out for help when needed. Good luck.

4 months is the lowest of low times with a baby (in my opinion and lots of friends!!!)

I honestly thought I wouldn't survive that point.

Things got so much better but I know that's hard to hear when you can't see the wood for the trees.
speak to your dr because I did need some meds and support to balance back out but everything did get much much better.

currently 11 months old and really really happy (and myself) again x

Four months was rotten for me too. The sleep regression nearly killed me.

But four month olds grow into four year olds, still asleep 11 hours after going to bed, who will be so unbelievably excited that Santa brought her an Elsa bike just like she asked for. If your husband is there in the trenches with you you'll only love him more in time, even if you're more like snippy co-workers for now.

It's hard because it's hard, you're not imagining it or doing anything wrong. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other for now.

I went back to work pt at this point and felt 1000% better for the break. And at five months with DC2. Over twenty years on still my best decision.
Probably wouldn't work for most.

4 months is hard! It’s hard for everyone. One day at a time, and just concentrate on the important stuff - I decided at this point that sleep and a shower were no negotiable - I let everything else slide - then started to put it back in once the babies were sleeping longer (well over a year!)

4 months is really hard. It will get better. Is your physio trained in treating PGP? See www.pelvicpartnership.org.uk for recommended practitioners.

4 months is sooo hard. I literally to stand in a cupboard to feed my dd, any light, stimulations or sitting down was too much for her. She needed way more sleep than I realised and needed feeding, holding and darkness to get it.
For you physical pain, push your GP hard for more support. Ask for topical oestrogen cream. Press the angle that it's your sex life that is suffering and you husband isn't happy. Focusing on the needs of the husband not being met is unfortunately the way to get treatment.

YANBU at all, I really feel for you.
But it will get better I promise

4 months is brutal. I had physio after birth too as im hypermobile which didnt help. Your dh needs to be doing significantly more to help if you are still having physio.

It's a tough time.

Any other family about to help out? Eg MIL or siblings?

I hit a brick wall at 4 months and wanted to stop feeding. Pushed through and come six months it was glorious, you can do it xx

I bottle fed so didn't have the breast feeding battle (I'm not saying you should bottle feed!! Just my experience) and even I felt awful at four months. I used to wake up (after a craps night sleep) feeling hollow at the thought of another day of relentless baby care.

Things did get better, by 8 months he was sleeping through reliably and by a year I felt back to myself. Now my sons 2.5, I get a fulls night sleep (illness aside), days to myself when he's in nursery and I'm on holiday and things just don't seem as difficult. Hang in there OP.

You sound exhausted. You both sound exhausted. Something has to give to allow you to get over this feeling. Have you thought about introducing a bit of formula as the dream feed to settle your baby for longer?

Make sure you have adult contact everyday- sit down and chat. have contact that is not your husband. Having a baby is exhausting but also lonely.

4 months is shit because you realise the scale of change and nothing will be the same again, and exhaustion accumulates and you play tiredness Olympics with your partner and the newborn rosiness has worn off.

You'll get through. Those mother and baby groups - I bet you anything those women are struggling too. Especially if they're first time mums. Swap numbers, meet for coffee or at each other's houses, gently mention something you're finding hard and I bet they'll have their own gripes.

I think if you can, it's good to get out. You say your hips are bad, can you go in your garden, or just have a short walk? Even looking out of the window and noticing the season etc can be beneficial. The world hasn't ended, it's there waiting for you once you're through this phase.

With tiredness, I think you deal with it better over time, a bit like living somewhere really hot - if you can stop fighting it and just accept that's your reality for now.

And have some real, heart-bearing chats with your partner - tell him you feel he's doing less. Say you're worried about sex, tiredness, your identity etc. don't grin and hope it'll all work out any minute.