To really struggle with relatives staying up late at Xmas

[EvieR]

Just had a small argument with parents because we'd watched two episodes of a show and they wanted to keep going until 1.30am or so.

It's the end of the year and I'm shattered. Also if I go to bed it's a small house so I'll still hear it blaring and won't sleep.

I hosted Xmas last year and they weren't happy about an earlier night (midnight) but because it's my home stuck to it. We're also going through a family illness which is very draining. I cried today and it's been hard.

AIBU here? Their idea of relaxing is staying up to the early hours, say 2am and mine is sleeping earlier because I want to feel rested

Its like torture when you want to go bed but the other person doesn’t. Dont host again next year

Ear plugs?

Oh gosh that’s so late. I don’t think you can insist they go to bed but tell them the tv is too loud and it’s keeping you awake. Don’t feel bad about going to bed!

Just get yourself to bed. You'll have a head start on everyone else getting ready to themselves and wanting to use the bathroom. If you're tired you'll fall asleep 🙂

I wouldn't have done it this year if you knew it was bad from your last experience. I hope you can get to sleep soon and have a nice day tomorrow.

The ear plugs dull the sound but don't make it disappear.

I'm in bed now anyway. It's just so stressful having to adapt to this routine. It's not relaxing. The presents and meal is lovely, but the drive to stay up as late as humanely possible is something I struggle with.

I take it you are in their home this time? If so, you cannot tell them when to go to bed. Buy ear plugs.

Well what am I supposed to do, spend Xmas alone?

My partner is with his family and maybe we'll be together another year. It's tricky.

I am yes.

Basically we are going between their house and spending time with a relative who is end of life. It's really hard. Yes it's their home but can they not take me into account at all? They know what a hard and tiring time it is.

It's understandable you're stressed out if there's a lot going on behind the scenes too. Maybe put your phone down if you're trying to sleep though

Well no, not spend it alone if you don't have to. Did you have to stay over to be able to see them tomorrow? If it was a ridiculously long drive or something then I guess you just have to put up with it. Hopefully they will be in bed soon and won't have to get up really early.

Get better earplugs. I had to try a few types before I found the right ones. I don't think you can reasonably tell other adults when to go to bed. You can ask them to turn the tv down, but you can't really insist on silence.

Reasonable to ask them to turn the volume down, not reasonable to try and dictate that everyone goes to sleep when you decide it's appropriate.

Slightly different at your home, not when you are in theirs.

Although I understand in general -

Today was really difficult. My relative has declined a lot in two weeks and it was the first time I saw her like that. I cried a lot, it was draining.

Personally in this scenario I wouldn't be insisting on staying up later and later if someone I loved had had a hard day.

Unfortunately I had to travel there today.

When you hosted in your home, you stuck to an earlier night because it was your home. They accepted this. You’re now in your parents’ home, they will stick to whatever time they like and you’ll need to accept this.

As it’s their house, you could ask them to watch it with volume much lower and put the subtitles on for any bits they miss. They probably won’t want to though 😢 If they are used to listening very loud, one of them may have a little undiagnosed hearing loss. Or it could just be their generation. Sympathies as my mum and her partner keep the tv extremely loud but I won’t stay at theirs anymore.

Yes this

Thanks @Peachy2005

You're right that there's nothing I can do really. Just stick it out for 2 days.

Have a nice Christmas everyone.

Yes, unfortunately this is the case, if you are staying in someone else's home you don't really get to dictate when people go to bed.

I do absolutely get how stressful it is staying in other people's homes though, in general I hate it. We don't stay with family overnight now because of clashes in habits and likewise it's rare that relatives stay with us. It's caused a lot of offence particularly with PILs, it's unthinkable to them to visit and not stay with family. But after nigh on 2 years of not doing it during COVID, we didn't want to go back to the stress of it. I can't cope with FIL having his awful music on at high volume until late, or Sky news blaring all day, or the thick layer of dust over everything that aggravated DC asthma and allergies and would have them wheezing for days and autistic DS1 not sleeping at all while there because he was scared of having an asthma attack.

I used to get upset that FIL would expect us to stay there but would do nothing at all in the way of what I would consider decent hosting, like cleaning up a bit, not getting steaming drunk and playing music at full volume past midnight and making sure there's enough milk in for at least a cup of tea. But it's also not reasonable to dictate that other people do things our way in their homes, so either we suck it up and accept being uncomfortable for however many nights, or decide not to stay there. We chose the latter and offence be damned!

I hope you get some rest and sorry to hear that you have a relative in end of life care, that must be hard for everyone this time of year x

I am like your parents in that I am a night owl. I come to life as my DH is going to bed. Due to his snoring we have separate bedrooms, but I don’t have the TV blaring. He will wake me in the morning, a little earlier than usual. It works for us.

I think your sadness is definitely having an impact on your patience levels. We all feel things differently, maybe they need the TV as a distraction to how they are feeling and coping.

Next year you need noise cancelling headphones and some gentle music.

I hope your relative’s passing is gentle and pain free xx

Wow, your parents are very ignorant and ill mannered. Don't they know to respect the hospitality and routines of their host?

Don't host them again and when they ask, tell them exactly why.

Or if their house, find yourself a travel lodge nearby and stay there. Sleep is essential.

I wouldn't tolerate this

Just say, I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted

Their bed time should have no relevance to whether you've had a hard day or not. Earplugs, ask them to lower the sound. But apart from that you can't dictate to adults what time they go to bed!

They are dealing with the sick relative too, sounds like more than you have. They are watching TV, in their own home and you can go to bed and wear ear plugs, you've said it's only 2 days.

They are not rude, ignorant or anything else they have been called on this thread. It's not wrong, it's different and why not be grateful they are hosting you despite everything else that's going on.