For wanting closure

[Hannah55r]

Ok this is a long one but I'll compact it as much as possible

TW all the triggers!!

I am the middle of 3 siblings.
Growing up, I was scapegoated for everything. All the time. Anything that happened was my fault - didn't matter what it was
The eldest used to deliberately do stuff so I would get screamed at or shoved around by my "father" - she was and is very sneaky and sly
The egg donor would stand by and watch him shove me about and point his finger in my face, telling me (at age 13/14) to "pack my bags and fuck off somewhere you're wanted" etc
A few examples to show what I put up with are as follows:

1. made myself some food after work and as I'm sat eating, eldest says "oh just made food for yourself eh"
   Dad then starts on at me saying I'm greedy and a pig etc. I slam.down my cutlery and then I take my food to.my bedroom and eat alone - go to bed and stay out of the way fir a few days

2. I'm.doing coursework on the PC. Eldest comes in "I want the pc"
   I say "you can wait til I'm done"
   Eldest goes to dad crying fake tears that I've told her to F off etc.
   He then comes in shouting and bawling at me. I save my work and walk away, he follows into the kitchen whilst she smirks at me and carries on whilst digging his finger in my chest and shoves me against the worktops. "Mother" listens for over an hour to him swearing saying im a selfish little cunt, my attitude is this and that and pack my fucking bags and fuck off etc before she opens her mouth to help.
   I scream at sibling "I fucking HATE you" and I go to college and finish my coursework there. Again I lock myself in my room and don't speak to anyone.

3. I come home after work/college. I'm absolutely freezing cold so I turn the heating on. Mother comes home 10 mins later and starts swearing "can tell you're at home you selfish cunt" 🥺🥹
   Obviously then he starts as usual despite not saying anything before. This time I lock my door and stick a compss in my arm to let the anger and resentment out.

The last one that I'll mention for now is we went out for a meal. My younger sibling was being irritating, moaning at everything the drinks the service the food she didn't like this on this dish or that on that dish.
I say "just tell them what you don't want on the dish"
She starts shouting at me - in the middle of the restaurant!! - both parents then automatically blamed me and told me to leave and go home!!

I now know ow there is a name for behaviour like this. It's caused me so many mental health issues - low self esteem, absolutely crumbled my self worth the more it happened.
The favouritism has gotten worse - I love 10 mins from parents and I've seen then 2 times in 2.5 years.
They pretend not to know my kids birthdays and go.out of theor way to upset me or make me angry.
I said to my husband I've never wanted anyone to die before but I'll make an exception in this instance.
Aibu??

I appreciate this sounds absolutely awful but theornparenting style has led to self harming amd thoughts of suicide.
I had no one to advocate for me - little sis always got away scot free and eldest never did anything wrong

I'm sorry you have been treated this way by your family. It sounds like a traumatic childhood - have you had any therapy to work through this? I would seriously think about going no contact with people who are so damaging to your well-being. I'd also be wanting to keep your children away from them.

I have gone pretty much NC with them.
Egg donor messages every 5 or 6 months sperms.donor doesn't bother. I don't speak.to.either sibling anymore either.
My boys are my whole world and when the eldest one popped her kid out it automatically became favourite. That's when enough was enough x

It's a horrific dynamic when one family member is scapegoated but sadly not unusual 😢 please know that the fault lies with them, not you. There is nothing wrong with you and you are valued and matter to those who love you, your DH and children.