To say ….’ or I can drop her at yours ?’

[Finetoday]

SEN DD has a friend who is also SEN - same age late teens, use to go to same schools etc but don’t anymore.

I have taken friend multiple times for sleepovers, days out, holidays, etc. Pretty much all at my own expense.
DD has never been invited back. Literally never stepped over the threshold. For years.

DD has invited friend for a day out after xmas, friend agreed. So I’ll need to collect, entertain, take out, pay, and take home - have accepted ages ago that is the gig to make DD happy.

Now friend’s mother needs to ‘let me know’.

I think I need someone to tell me to move on and keep encouraging DD to make other friends.

AIBU ?

sorry - title is what I’m tempted to reply back !

Tell me not to !

You don't know this friend's family circumstances. They may be struggling in their marriage, finances, illness - or they may not.
Your DD enjoys this friends company. Let it be - it just may be a life saver for this friend, you never know.

Makes sense - thank you xx

Such a tricky one as it’s the parents who are being awkward and not DDs friend but I totally get how frustrating it must be. I guess it depends how much they want to be friends. I’d still say try and find new friends but if I could tell it was just the parents unwilling to make the effort but their daughter really enjoyed spending time with DD I’d keep the friendship going but not be regularly spending money on it.

Is DDs friend kind to DD when she's out with her? Does it feel like an equal friendship then?

Yes I agree - no holiday this time just time together and dinner out.
I hate seeing DD disappointed. She is struggling to make other friends but I am encouraging it in every way x

Is it possible that friends parents also have SEN ?

What is the set up of the household? What are the SEN of the girls? Do you know what siblings the child has? I mean on the surface yes "or I can drop her at yours?" sounds good.

However, if a single parent has a teen SEN DD, one or two or possibly more younger SEN kids with some other needs, or maybe has a disability or illness themselves, it is extremely reasonable for them to decide they can't cope with another SEN teenager in the mix. Or even can't properly keep all the kids safe, fed, watered, toileted with another SEN teenager in the mix!

Why I get why you are frustrated, but if you do what you suggested, be aware that the outcome could be the end of the girls being able to see each other outside school. If I was the mother, and wasn't in the position to safely have your daughter, I would probably feel your dig at me always putting on you, and stop putting on you by stopping allowing my daughter to see yours outside school.

Can you reply with a date/time? Ie “ok, can you let me know by Friday’ and if you don’t hear anything by end of Friday, presume it’s not happening.

If the girl herself is a good friend, I would bear with it - who knows what else the family has going on, or they might just be crap, but it seems your daughter benefits from the friendship. But yes, I would continue to encourage other friendships through clubs, activities, interests as well as school/college.

My best friend from age 13 to 26 stayed at my house often. I mean very often, 2-3 times a week, we would head to school together then back to my house. I never once stepped foot in her house. Even as older teens when I could drive and I’d pick her up, I used to ask to use her loo but it was always ‘not working’
I just assumed she was ashamed of her home. I only asked around 3 times over many years, but she was very obviously uncomfortable so I stopped and just enjoyed the friendship

Thank you for very sensible replies. You are right, I just get frustrated at the imbalance but persevere as they continue to have a good relationship day to day over WA.

@stichguru They are a large household with other mostly grown up children (late teens and above). Mother definitely has had poor health in the past so yes you are right in that respect and maybe she just can’t commit to anything else.

@Prisonbreak that’s an interesting perspective - I guess we never really know what happens in other people’s homes x

Having been here myself it’s highly likely it’s something like this and if you’ve never been in the situation where your toilet isn’t clean enough for someone to use or there’s so much crap lying around that a visitor can’t sit down then it wouldn’t even enter your head that it could be something like that.