To not want to spend multiple days over Xmas with in laws?

[Daisychain909]

Need a sense check here. Since getting married 2 years ago we agreed to spend alternating Christmases with each of our families as many married couples do. Prior to this we had spent Christmas either separately with our own families, or on one occasion over Covid with my family as we were all living together at my parents house at the time and it was during a lock down so naturally we didn't have any other choice.

Last year I gave birth to my son 1 week before Christmas, and given my due date being so close to xmas day we didn't make any formal plans as we had to see what happened (I could have been in hospital over Xmas for example). As he was born a week prior to Xmas we decided last minute to pop over to my parents house for a few hours on Xmas day in the end as they are only an 8 min drive from us so it was an easy and nice way to spend the day and have other people look after us for a bit.

This year, it's our turn to spend it with his family. Now, I'd have no issue whatsoever spending Christmas day with his family every couple of years. The issue I have is that when we do Christmas with his family it has to be a multiple day affair, which, compared to when my family hosts us just for the day itself seems unfair that I have to take annual leave and cart all our stuff around Inc baby stuff for 3 nights etc. When really all I want is a bit of a chance to relax at home over Xmas and get a break from work and responsibility.

Husband's parents both only live a 50 min drive away in the same town but are divorced and both single and live in their own flats so they always rent an airbnb for 4-5 nights somewhere in the countryside to spend Xmas. His brother is single and childless and lives in London so always comes without issue, his sister is married with a baby and they alternate between his parents and hers.

Now hear me out, his family are nice, they mean well most of the time, but they are polar opposite to me in so many ways. SIL and MIL in particular are very matriarchal and dominate plans most of the time so I feel like what I want gets ignored for the majority as it doesn't align with their views. I often find myself butting heads with MIL over little things like her obsession with giving my 1 year old son bottled water when I've said quite a few times I like him to drink tap water as the NHS guidance is to give tap water not bottled while they are young. Just typical little boundary oversteps a lot of the time but they mount up and anyway after a while I'm pretty drained from all of it. They also want to spend every second with each other for several days which is not how I roll being quite introverted and needing my own space to recharge. They got offended today because I didn't want to go to the pub for lunch- something SIL decided they were all doing without actually really asking if people wanted to do it. I don't regret my decision to stay back and go and get some bits from M&S that we needed for the dinner on Xmas day as it was valuable recharge time.

I'd also like to point out I have tried to be super involved and as helpful as possible, organizing tesco food deliveries, picking up the turkey and making lists of what we need (his family is mega disorganized but enjoy cooking whereas I am very organised but hate cooking so this is the part of Xmas I can happily contribute towards).

Simply put, I just feel drained after several days in close quarters with them, in a country house away from our home comforts and routine when I would like to start setting some traditions of our own.

When we spend Xmas with my family we will only ever go over on Christmas day about 11am and leave by 9pm with no obligation to see them on other days which is why I'm asking if it's unreasonable to say in future we Will tell in laws we will only be coming to whatever cottage they rent on Xmas day and leaving that evening (or at worst just staying 1 night max).

AIBU for wanting some chill time at home over Xmas and not wanting multiple days with in laws?

I think I'd be thinking of an excuse to bow out earlier. What does your husband want to do.

They’ll respect you more if you do what you want, I think. They’ll still bitch and moan, but you need to ignore the sounds and set a precedent that you don’t always do what they want.

I think as you accepted the invitation this year then at this stage you have to go with it, but why can't you tell them that you need some quiet time and go to your bedroom and read a book or something?

Once this year is over, having spent a Christmas with both sets of parents and baby, so that it's fair, I would suggest that you start a new tradition, where you will be spending Christmas Day at home from now on. Unfortunately so many couples end up hauling kids, gifts, etc., etc., to one or both sets of parents over Christmas, which no one really enjoys, and as the kids get bigger, seems so unfair on them, as all they want to do is play with their new toys. So tell everyone that this is the last year of visiting on Christmas Day, as you want to be able to relax with your child at home on the big day, and let them have the time to unwrap slowly, and play with their gifts without being dragged here, there, and everywhere. You'll be doing yourself a huge favour if you set expectations now OP, rather than waiting until people start issuing invites next year.

Add a year at home to your rotation and your aren't obliged to spend the whole break with your in-laws.

YANBU.
We took our daughter to my inlaws on Christmas Day just once when she was 18 months old. After that DH and I agreed never again, we decided that children need to be at home to enjoy opening gifts and playing with toys rather than being hoisted out of their home on what is a very special day for children. My parents started coming to us and did so for several years, they helped with Christmas lunch, enjoyed the pleasure of Christmas with their grandchildren and it worked well.
You might want to explain to MIL that you need to put your DS first and from now on you won’t be entertaining the idea of Christmas away from home.
Whatever happens I hope you have the best day you can. Happy Christmas

I think the fact that your in-laws like to do things differently from what your family growing up did, is something that happens in families across the country.

I think YABU to not be able to compromise a bit more.
I mean, there is a range of options between just going for the day, and spending several days. Why not compromise and go for 3 days or something ?

Why not move to a 3 year rotation - one year with your Mum and Dad, one year with his, one year in your own home ?

When you get together with someone as a life partner, both of you sometimes have to compromise a bit in life.

I agree it's a bit late this year but with a small child (toddler into everything next year) you can start creating boundaries. How does your DH feel about it? Does he want to spend a few days with his parents/siblings or is he happy with the day?

Too late to do anything about it now, focus on a plan for subsequent years;

Next year your son will be 2 - stay at home

And Year after at your parents

Following year he'll be 4 and at pre school. You'll have 2 weeks off for family time - a couple of days in cottage is not that bad.

Then after that forever more you'll have 2 weeks school hols to fill. A few days every 3 years isn't that bad.

I disagree, DS should come first and this is what OP is focusing on. Children grow up fast, time is precious. OP wants to create precious memories of Christmas’s at home, not ones of being at inlaws with their rules just to please them.
Children deserve to have the time and pleasure of playing with their new toys on Christmas Day rather than being hoisted from their home just to please grandparents.
OP is not being unreasonable.

My in laws are bigoted cunts

they base their personality & political views on a football team

they aren’t even from the country that this harks back to

can’t wait for Xmas & new year to be over

Simply put, I just feel drained after several days in close quarters with them, in a country house away from our home comforts and routine when I would like to start setting some traditions of our own.

i would be drained too, and I don’t have a small child. This needs nipping in the bud ASAP

Totally agree with pp that you should prioritise little one and stay at home for future Christmases. Sounds like both sets of parents would be able to stop by at some point on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/Boxing Day. Once little one is around 2/3 and Santa properly kicks in, it will be so much nicer letting them be at home and able to play with their new toys. Best of luck!

Oh dear. That sounds awful. Are you/they from NI by any chance?

YANBU

Seems a bit unnecessary to be together for that many days when they’re less than a 2 hour round trip away.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with just drive there and back same day or possibly do Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home and do Boxing Day with them.

Considering how close you all are distance wise, could possibly do Christmas Eve visit with your parents, Christmas Day at home, and Boxing Day with your in-laws and alternate Christmas Eve and Boxing Day with families and always have Christmas at home unless the in-laws tend to get Airbnbs much further out.

Someone up thread suggested a 3 year rotation, but I'd go for 4 year rotation,

1 - at home
2 - his parents
3 - at home
4 - your parents
5 - at home

The Telford Torries? Leicester Labour?

Nope. No one should live their lives dreading major holiday to please others even if it’s every few years or so. The in laws either come over for few hours (if OP is ok with that) or OP’s family visits for few hours if that’s what she’s happy with

How long are you there? I think it would be fine to go for a shorter time next time.

I would simply tell your husband it is NOT happening.

Pack up and go home.
HE is welcome to go and stay with HIS family for multiple days but you wont be doing it.

Start as you mean to go.
You have tolerated too much.

Once we had children we 100% suited ourselves, just as our families have always done.

No discussion whatsoever.
You are being too passive.
Time to assert yourself firmly.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I really enjoy going to my parents house for Xmas day as it's so close by and I hate cooking so it's really nice to be able to have Xmas dinner made for us without the stress of buying and cooking it all. So I wouldn't want to stamp out the tradition of seeing anyone at all on Xmas day itself. I think what we will suggest is for future years where it's the in laws turn, we go up to his mums flat for the day or they come to our house and we go out to a local pub for Xmas lunch itself if no one wants to cook and then we can just spend the rest of the day having a few drinks and chilling / playing some games and then everyone goes home in the evening. That way we get to see family but just for the day itself and it's not mega stressful having to cart around all the stuff I need for multiple nights away with my baby etc.

Does your dh not get his feeling taken into account ?

Could you not go to the countryside place for the day if it bothers you? I think staying elsewhere for a few days is pretty common over Christmas, and going out for meals etc likewise. I think if you alternate, you alternate. It is every other year, not every other weekend.

Your baby won't be a baby forever, so the amount of stuff you'll need to take will change.

What does your husband think? They're his family. Presumably you see yours a lot more as they're closer?

It's up to them surely? You don't get to choose what they do?

Well done OP.
Send him off to his family for days if he is keen.

No you're right I don't get to choose what they do, but equally they don't get to choose what I do. If they're desperate to see us on Xmas day then everyone will need to compromise so that we can just see them for the day itself in future, not 4-5 days in a row. Whether that be they come to our house, or we go to one of their places, or we visit whatever cottage they rent if they still want to do that again I really don't care. Bottom line is we are not going to be spending multiple days there and taking annual leave and carting our kids and half the house around just to spend multiple days not really enjoying ourselves. And to anyone wondering what my husband thinks he agrees just seeing them for 1 day or maximum 1 day/1 night in future is the way to go as it was just not enjoyable this year and very chaotic.