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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can chemistry/spark/attraction grow with time?

36 replies

MessyNDepressy · 24/12/2024 19:48

I’ve been on four dates with a really nice guy. He’s lovely, we get on well and have a lot in common but I just don’t feel that spark. He’s attractive but I don’t think I’m attracted to him. We’ve not had a proper kiss yet, only little pecks. I don’t want to rip his clothes off and I don’t get excited to see or talk to him but he is lovely and we have a “nice” time together. My friends think that I should go on another few dates with him as decent guys are hard to come by. AIBU to think if there was something there, I’d have felt it by now? Or can that attraction grow over time? He wants to see me again later this week and seems to be really keen on me. I’m almost tempted to just invite him over at the weekend, crack open a bottle of wine and just make a move to see if anything physical is there but I would feel really bad doing that if it turns out there’s definitely not.

Any help/advice would be appreciated!

OP posts:
Octopies · 24/12/2024 21:15

How old are you both? If 20s I'd take your apporach of a bottle and give a little longer to see if anything develops. Late 30s - 40s you probably already know what you want, so if it's not ticking the right boxes it's a non starter.

Tabbyandwhite · 24/12/2024 21:33

IMO I don't think a spark would grow, it's either there or not.

And it could still be physical through respect rather than fancying someone, IUSWIM. From my perspective it would probably morph more into more a friend zone.

Axalotl · 24/12/2024 21:41

I think give it a chance. My, now DH, was so lovely when we first met. I thought he was great. But I think ten years down the line there is more of a spark than when we first met.

lifebyfaith · 24/12/2024 21:43

In my experience, no,it sadly doesn't.

I've kept relationships going longer than I should have because they looked so good on paper, but I wasn't feeling it.

Now, if there's no spark or I don't find the guy attractive enough to kiss, I won't pursue, even if we get on well.

PermanentTemporary · 24/12/2024 21:44

I think it can increase, but I've never known it start from nothing.

Essentially, if you don't want to kiss him, I personally wouldn't keep going.

WhatTheKey · 24/12/2024 21:47

IME yes it does grow, and it lasts for longer when it's not that initial fireball. DP and I were friends for a long time and there was no spark then, but I fell for him slowly and it has been a far more lovely and somehow more intimate relationship than the others I've had, where I wanted to rip someone's clothes off straight away! I have been him for a good long while now and we still fancy one another very much indeed!

BlueScrunchies · 24/12/2024 21:48

It’s nuanced, you can have acquaintances where nothing is there for years and you start to see them in a different way.

For people you have only just met, I would say not in my experience, no.

The only opinion that matters here is your own. It’s great to discuss it with friends but don’t listen to anyone else if you already know the answer in your gut. Trust it.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 24/12/2024 21:50

No in my experience it never grows. 2nd husband it was there immediately.

Anonym00se · 24/12/2024 21:52

When DH and I started out, I remember having this conversation with my BF. I knew he really fancied me, but I didn’t ‘fancy’ him. I thought he was really lovely and funny, and I really liked spending time with him. She reminded me that every man (bar none) that I’d gone out with who I’d fancied like mad had turned out to be a grade A tosser, so I should give him a chance.

I’m so glad that I did. I ended up falling head over heels, and 15 years later we’re still madly in love. Instant spark can be overrated,

Flowersonthetv · 24/12/2024 22:02

I wouldn’t have picked my DH out in a crowd based on chemistry. However we became friends and 6 months later I had quite strong feelings. Looking back now it’s the best way, we had a solid foundation of friendship first with similar interests / values.

Olika · 24/12/2024 22:07

There has to be something that makes you want to see him again. If there's nothing but him just being nice then forget him.

Anyideashowtodealwiththis · 24/12/2024 22:13

Tricky one this…

I’d say the spark can grow, but its trickier if you’re looking for it.

i met my DP through a hobby- our attraction grew gradually over a few weeks ( so not that long) but with no expectation of a romantic relationship.

i think if you’re having a date, then the spark needs to be a bit more instant. I think that’s why OLD is so difficult

MumOfOneAllAlone · 24/12/2024 22:41

Don't really have any personal experience 🙈 but I think it's one of those things that's there or isn't

Can't you just sleep with him and see how the sex is? That might help you either see him in that light or realise it's time to move on?

MysteriousOranges · 24/12/2024 22:43

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Thewhisperingwindsofwinter · 24/12/2024 22:44

No I don't think it can grow. If the butterflies aren't there then your body has put him in the friend zone.

Keep looking op

DaringlyPurple · 24/12/2024 22:57

After a pattern of going out with men who weren't long term commitment types I started going out with a "nice" man. My expectations were low I'll admit. He turned out to be really funny, freakishly clever and the love of my life - married over 30 years. This wasn't totally evident on the first few dates I'll admit.

ApplesinmyPocket · 24/12/2024 22:58

Anonym00se · 24/12/2024 21:52

When DH and I started out, I remember having this conversation with my BF. I knew he really fancied me, but I didn’t ‘fancy’ him. I thought he was really lovely and funny, and I really liked spending time with him. She reminded me that every man (bar none) that I’d gone out with who I’d fancied like mad had turned out to be a grade A tosser, so I should give him a chance.

I’m so glad that I did. I ended up falling head over heels, and 15 years later we’re still madly in love. Instant spark can be overrated,

Similar to my daughter's story - she met a nice man on OLD - she didn't feel any 'spark' or attraction - but because he was lovely, and keen on her, and treated her well, she 'gave it a few months to see.'

They married a few years later, and are expecting their first baby in May. You couldn't find a happier couple, they are so much in love.

Honestly, I think the whole 'spark' thing is overrated. Usually women (me included, in my younger day!) get those butterflies more for men who aren't 'nice' but have a bit of the rogue about them

TooOldorNot · 24/12/2024 22:59

When I met my dp I thought he was an amazing person, I loved his sense of humour and just how kind and caring he was.
I was not looking for a relationship, neither was he, but I found that I really enjoyed his company. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him. We just seemed ro click as friends.Six months later I fancied the pants off him and, luckily for me, it was mutual.

He is not at all my ususal type and I'm not his. I think starting out as friends and getting to know each other that way first allowed the slow burn to happen, with no pressure.

I say give it more time.

UmbrellaEllaEllaElla · 24/12/2024 23:00

I think that without strong physical attraction to start with its unlikely to develop. Physical attraction tends to dwindle with time and familiarity.

BeretInParis · 24/12/2024 23:03

I think a good snog can be very informative. If there's no spark after that, I'd leave it. But I'd definitely meet up for another date with a view to having a passionate kiss to see if there's any chemistry.

Elizo · 24/12/2024 23:05

MessyNDepressy · 24/12/2024 19:48

I’ve been on four dates with a really nice guy. He’s lovely, we get on well and have a lot in common but I just don’t feel that spark. He’s attractive but I don’t think I’m attracted to him. We’ve not had a proper kiss yet, only little pecks. I don’t want to rip his clothes off and I don’t get excited to see or talk to him but he is lovely and we have a “nice” time together. My friends think that I should go on another few dates with him as decent guys are hard to come by. AIBU to think if there was something there, I’d have felt it by now? Or can that attraction grow over time? He wants to see me again later this week and seems to be really keen on me. I’m almost tempted to just invite him over at the weekend, crack open a bottle of wine and just make a move to see if anything physical is there but I would feel really bad doing that if it turns out there’s definitely not.

Any help/advice would be appreciated!

Personally I think you know if you are attracted to him. If you’re not, you’re not

changecandles · 24/12/2024 23:12

WhatTheKey · 24/12/2024 21:47

IME yes it does grow, and it lasts for longer when it's not that initial fireball. DP and I were friends for a long time and there was no spark then, but I fell for him slowly and it has been a far more lovely and somehow more intimate relationship than the others I've had, where I wanted to rip someone's clothes off straight away! I have been him for a good long while now and we still fancy one another very much indeed!

My DH and I were a massive fireball as you put it!
32 years and we still fancy each other.

I don't think anyone can say which was is better or lasts longer.

TwistedWonder · 24/12/2024 23:14

Yes it definitely can. I’ve never met anyone I’ve felt an instant attraction to. I don’t get a spark with someone until I get to know them.

I've always been friends first and the attraction has developed over time.

jay55 · 24/12/2024 23:16

I think with smart men and funny men it can grow.

TheGoogleMum · 24/12/2024 23:22

You need some attraction but don't need to find them super sexy physically in my opinion. Personality and how you click together is much more important