In Laws at Christmas

[Sproutssproutssprouts]

What is everyone’s tolerance with in-laws at Christmas? ILs announced to us they would be staying this year a few months ago. I expected they might be here a couple of nights but they arrived on the 23rd and they’re not leaving until 29th! In regular doses they are nice people but already they’re driving me crazy.

MIL drives me nuts, she’s obsessed with my DCs and I don’t get to spend much time with them after serving everyone, cooking, cleaning etc. At the same time she’s constantly trying to orchestrate things so that we do it ‘the way she’s always done it’. The worst thing is she and FIL don’t go out anywhere so they’re monopolising my tv etc 24/7. I know IABU really but how do people cope?!

Why didn't you have any say in how long they are staying for??

You're not being unreasonable, this would drive me utterly insane. If we go to stay with family I always try to get out of their hair for a couple of hours every day - a walk, or shopping, or something. I would go bananas having annoying in laws in my house for nearly a week!

Why do you allow them to dictate how long they're staying, though?

I get on brilliantly with my MIL but I think I'd struggle with such a long time over Christmas, especially in my relatively small house. Can't they just do a couple of days and you could then do some family stuff when they've gone home?

I’m surprised people don’t value family contact more, particularly after the Covid lockdowns

How people cope is they stop martyring themselves and let their DH take over more of the cooking/cleaning/hosting. You only get so many Christmases with your kids as children, don't give your precious time away by slaving away hosting. Would you rather look back in 30 years and be glad that you spent these days cooking and cleaning and rushing around or be glad that you tolerated a messy house and basic meals in order to spend more moments with your own children?

Take the kids out somewhere and leave them to watch Pointless.

Also, don't clean. Too many people to dust around if MIL gets picky.

Absolutely not. I don't understand why family don't understand that you have more, er, family or other friends that you might wish to see over the holidays too. That's too long. I also wouldn't want to be dictated to about how long someone was planning to stay in my home.

Ah - inspirational @Sproutssproutssprouts can you develop diplomatic covid/flu and send them packing?

6 nights is at least 3 too many! Why are you letting them dictate the length of their stay?

DH said it was fine, by which point they had booked trains. I think he feels sorry for them as his sister emigrated earlier this year so they’ve got nowhere else to go.

Well I think in principle it isn't a bad thing. We have elderly FIL staying from 23rd to 4th Jan, but he is no trouble and he would be on his own otherwise.

But I think the crux of your situation is that your DH said it was fine, but is he doing any of the work to make it fine? If he is not doing his share of the cooking, cleaning, entertaining etc then you need to put your foot down very firmly.

If it gets to Boxing Day and he is still leaving it all to you then how about you ho out somewhere for the day, maybe taking the kids with you, and making sure he knows you expect him to take care of all meals that day. And repeat the exercise if necessary.

If MIL looks like objecting to not having the kids around or makes noises to cone with, try cheerfully announcing that you have been so busy looking after everyone else that you don't seem to have spent any time with them yourself.

You have a DH problem. Can you get a last minute massage/manicure/hairdo anywhere?

Plan a visit to friends with DC if they don’t leave the house. I would leave DH dealing with them to be honest.

This would never happen! But if you have a tv in your room, utilise that and if they say anything, say we’re not getting a look in with you two! Spend time with the children in their rooms. And when MIL tries to change things to her way, you remain firm and polite but do it your way. Don’t let this happen again.

To quote Ellen Griswold: I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.

It’s Christmas. They’re your DCs grandparents and your husband’s parents. Just grimace through it, you’ll be fine.

Put motherland on tv when they are there..the one where his parents come for Christmas….and watch it together.

There's no need for you to serve everyone, cook and clean. Choose to stop being a martyr and let your husband host his guests.

We have a 2 night rule whether they stay with us or we stay with them! Neither DH or I can tolerate them for any longer sadly.

I just don't invite my in laws, and they would get a Paddington stare if they tried to invite themselves. That said, I get on with them all very well. I just want Christmases my way.

@Sproutssproutssprouts I hope you realise that after this year's visit of 6 days that they will expect every year for ever more to be the same??? god help you!

Could you take yourself off for the final 3 days to your own family? Send a clear message that this never happens again!

Your DH needs to tell them you have guests coming so they need to leave on Boxing Day morning m.

But presumably they’ve got each other and their own house?

I can never get my head round the obligation to spend precious time with people you can’t actually tolerate for more than 24 hours (or, indeed, at all).

Yes but they don't have to be anywhere in order to be "with family at Christmas" except the 24th to 26th. 27th at a push.

We went to see FIL yesterday and we'll see my parents towards the end of the week at some point. That's it. We spend Christmas Day just the two of us.