Hit rock bottom

[OneBrightAzureBiscuit]

Hi, don’t know why I’m posting this just to vent and hopefully get some words of advice or just a reply. I don’t have anyone to talk to, literally no one. No one understands me.

i thought I was better. Past few months my mental health has been the best it’s ever been- I was enjoying life and things were looking up. I have had quite a crappy life with terrible events so my perception of life is skewed very bad. However I’ve always been a glass half full person I always try to enjoy life, be a good person and make the most of this life we only get one.
however, past few weeks I’ve spiralled down.

it started off subtle like feeling extremely tired and oversleeping and then I began feeling life was just pointless and I don’t wanna Do anything- no working, no talking to people, no hobbies literally run away and vanish or disintegrate. Wasn’t suicidal though- just wanted to not exist. Nothing has triggered this.
present day, I’m on a huge low. Rock bottom really. I have so much anger built up that I’ve turned into an outwardly bitter person, I feel depressed all the time and feel everyone’s against me and hates me. I self harmed few weeks ago which I haven’t done for ages (took a razor to my wrists) and on more occasions went out and binge drank. I binge drank several occasions which isn’t new to me but now, the new thing. I am popping codeine and doing small overdoses. Nothing to do any actual damage but just a few extra pills here and there- I love the feeling it gives. I’m not addicted as I don’t crave it physically but I love the escape it gives me.

i feel terrible to be like this- from the outside I have things. An amazing partner, a lovely best friend. A great mum and family with an adorable cat. Money, qualifications etc. but it doesn’t matter. There’s a huge void nothing fills. I always feel alone when surrounded by people. I push people away because in the past I’ve been abused in all ways, R word, my dad abused me sexually as a child and in all other ways. Called me a waste of space physical abuse drummed it into me and it’s the same stuff I tell myself as an adult. It’s hardwired into me. I don’t reply to acquaintances and friends because they already have their own friends who they probably prefer they don’t need me. I push everyone away because friends in the past have ditched me and moved onto better people. I am actually drowning. I don’t think I can be fixed. :(
if anyone has any kind words, experiences, advice or just anything it would be nice to read.
Thanks if you stayed until the end x

No real advice but I hope someone comes along who can offer some. It does sound as though you are suffering the effects of the huge trauma in your past, which is manifesting itself in serious depression and a lack of self-worth. You might benefit from counselling but I know from experience how hard it is to access the right support (or any support) on the NHS. I wonder if there are any local support groups for survivors of the kind of abuse you have been through; it might help to talk with people who have been through the same.

The timescales you mention…..you may have seasonal affective disorder. This doesn’t negate the impact of your childhood, but may add to your sense of malaise.

Generally speaking, the darker the skin, the more you block the sunlight and the more you lack vitamin D. Vitamin D is implicated in a whole host of body functions and seasonal affective disorder is linked to low vitamin D. The majority of people in the UK are vitamin D deficient from October to February. The worst time of year is…..pretty much now.

We also tend to sleep more and generally feel slobby when it’s dark and gloomy. I reckon that’s why pagan/Christian festivals exist at this time of year. All our ancestors needed something to look forward to.

Chin up. Put something in the diary to look forward to. Don’t let your past dictate your future!

Sorry this is happening to you.
i always think that the body is made of so many different chemicals so at any time they can go slightly out of whack.

whilst it won’t fix everything I’d definitely Oder some blood tests online or go to the GP and check for anaemia, B12, vit D, thyroid - all of which can make you feel seriously depressed when deficient, I’d start a daily multivitamin because you deserve self care.

id the reach out for help- you can get private online therapy through better help without a wait I think. You don’t need to feel shame for feeling this way. Your brain is an organ like any other. Sometimes it needs help to function well again. You deserve to be happy and the world is better with you in it. So please stay and look after yourself.