MIL has never bought my son a card or present

[Stingstingy]

My MIL is not well off, she lives off her pension and mainly spends it on cigarettes and alcohol. For some she doesn’t buy Christmas presents, she doesn’t give wedding presents and for mine and my husband’s wedding she said she couldn’t stay over because she couldn’t afford it (so we paid it) and she said she was going to wear the same dress she wore to my BIL’s wedding because she couldn’t afford another one so again we bought her a new outfit for the wedding. We are yet to hear a thank you; she didn’t speak to me on our wedding day.

she says she doesn’t get Christmas or birthday presents but she has bought them for some grandchildren. This is my issue - she’s never bought my 1 year old even so much as a card on his birthday. She won a significant sum of money the week before (which I saw on social media and she was raging I saw it) and she couldn’t even buy him a card - you can get cards in card factory for 29p!

she rang my husband during the week to say she wasn’t buying my son a Christmas present incase she bought the same as my parents and she would buy him something after Christmas?! He told her just don’t bother.

I get she doesn’t have a lot of money but she buys wine AT LEAST every other day, smokes 40 a day and buys for some grandchildren and not others. I think it’s rude to go to a birthday without a card anyone but especially to your own grandsons??

Aibu?

YANBU - She sounds as though she has favourites, it happens. I would personally keep contact low, as the kids will eventually notice.

Cards and presents are not love. I expect it’s easier to talk about than if she loves your son or not though.

Why invite her?

She doesn't like you and by association, doesn't like your son.

I would avoid her and absolutely do not get her a present, if DH does still buy her something insist your name isn't on the tag.

Remember these days in the future when she needs cared for....

She is a lush and if she didn't like me and my son she wouldn't be coming to my home x

Keep your distance and don't invite her to things.

MIL did (sometimes) buy our children things but they were always rubbish quality/not suitable for their age/not aligned to their interests because she barely knew them. She and FIL didn't get us a wedding present.

Yet she used to ring without fail at sparrow's fart every Christmas morning to speak to the children. My kids never were early risers on Christmas Day and mostly she woke the whole house up, in her effort to seem like granny of the year!

Growing up, well at least when I was very young, my dad earned good money. Mum was the oldest of her dad's kids and so bought all my cousins, uncles and aunties presents. Mum was one of 11 so she spent a lot.

Only 2 aunties ever bought me presents.

I'm in my 50s now , guess which aunties I still have contact with.

One of them was left by her husband with nothing, but still bought me a present every year. I was about 11 and she apologised that it was just a cheap book and a packet of sweets...I can put my hands on that book in 2 minutes...it was chosen with love.

Your mil I'm sad to say doesn't care about your ds. I would either accept that fact or cut her from his life

Why do you even still see her?

thanks for all the advice and comments. I was afraid we were being precious. I could see it more if she didn’t buy anything for anyone but she picks and chooses. Like there’s even I was in h and m and got my son a lovely jumper in the sale for £3. There’s no reason she couldn’t do this. It’s not about the monetary value, it’s the effort. She doesn’t care about our son at all but we would never hear the end of it if we didn’t get her one. My husband is just picking up a bottle of wine to leave into her house today.

Yes, it's difficult OP.
My MIL has never bought my dd a card or birthday present either. dd is her only grandchild. (dd is now early 20s).
At the moment your ds is too young to notice, but he will realise as he grows older.

MIL barely acknowledged DD during her childhood. There was a great GS born within weeks and all we heard was (not his name) Tom this, Tom that, Tom's a genius...
I thought she favoured him massively but what she really wanted was the bragging rights. Her problems began at school prize giving and GCSEs when DD was presented with several academic prizes including physics. Her GCSEs were all 8&9s. Tom scraped 4&5s. Nothing wrong with that but the change overnight in MIL was palpable. She's all over social media with photos of DD (usually at events she wasn't present at), congratulating her on passing her driving test, etc.
There's not a peep about poor Tom and DD isn't interested in a GM who never cared before. It especially incensed DD when MIL said she was her only GP...shortly after my DM died, someone she was very close to.

YANBU to be hurt, but she is who she is… selfish.

Return the effort. Go LC at best and enjoy your own little family.

You will obviously be too busy as and when she needs errands run or trips to hospital etc. Leave it to someone else to sort out.

Cherry on the top of the cake there. We left off a very small token gift and a card…we didn’t even get a card from her and she complained that the family all keep coming to visit. Merry Christmas lol.

I think she’s a shit grandparent. She doesn’t sound like a great mum either. It’s not about the present. It’s about the care and love behind it. You can find something for a quid that would bring a little joy on the day. She just sounds self-centred, prioritising wine and cigarettes, which she has plenty of money for by the sounds of it. But you can’t make someone less of a shit (grand)parent. If it’s who they are, it’s who they are. I would just drop it. Stop expecting it or making it matter. Your son really will not notice. He’ll be filled up by the family who really do love and prioritise him.

My FIL doesn't buy for his children (my husband is the eldest of 4) and he rarely receives a birthday card. Ironically it was my birthday (a big one!) in November and I received a card and money, yet my husband who's birthday was in March, received bugger all. It's hit and miss. He's started to be a bit better with his grandchildren's birthday and Christmas (he has 5). It's just general lack of thought or thinking as his children are adults it 'doesn't matter'. Your children are still your children regardless of their ages! My son who is 14, knows Grandad may or may not give him a card or present - we've never hidden the lack of thought or made excuses for him either. His Dad isn't well off but neither is he hard up, he's somewhere in between.