Mothers mental health

[motherxmas45]

We lost my dad a few years ago at Christmas so it's always a tricky time for our family and especially my mum. She hasn't coped well with his death which was sudden and unexpected. He did everything for her and she has struggled to find her way in life without him.

She drinks heavily. But her behaviour has become more and more erratic. This week she has cancelled plans with me and my dc, she hasn't washed. She hasn't been out. When I've been to see her she is just talking nonsense, clearly been drinking. She is meant to be coming to us for Christmas but I don't know if she will. I have young dc and if she doesn't pull it together she will probably confuse and upset them.

I miss my dad. But I have had to try and get on with life for my children. It feels like my mum has given up completely and doesn't care about anyone or anything. She would never consider anything life therapy, grief counselling or anti depressants. She has made up her mind that she is going to be miserable forever and it's very hard to support someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I have tried for the past 5 years and now I'm at a loss because if anything she seems to be getting worse.

I know it's wrong to compare other peoples experience but I know women of her age in the same situation who have grabbed life by the horns, gone on holidays, met new people, helped with their grandkids, volunteered and just generally tried to keep busy. I'm not saying she should do these things but I also think the life she is living now is so bad for her mental and physical health.

What do I do? I have no siblings or other family to help. Only me and dh plus our children who along with work take up much of our time. I just don't know how to help her.

There's nothing you can do really if she won't accept the help or suggestions herself really. I'd consider speaking to social services as she seems to be a vulnerable adult or call her GP and see if someone could visit her at home? We've had a relative in a similar situation and both these things have happened after a trip to hospital so I don't see why you couldn't ask for these sorts of interventions as a concerned relative.

You cannot determine what another person's grief should be.

You can only put in place boundaries of what you're willing to do to help before you step away. Get her into the right support services, then live a life

The ode about the man jumping off the cliff, whilst throwing you a rope to stop them from falling into the sea, at some point you have to let go of the rope.

I honestly don't think she'd forgive me. She's had some pretty serious physical health issues that she ignored for ages, waited until it was bad enough for an A&E visit and is thankfully now in the system at least. But this is what I mean about her being totally resistant to any kind of help.

On the face of it she is doing ok, she will get up and go to work in her part time job. But she goes through these phases of total breakdown where she just drinks and cries and doesn't seem to care about anything. I try to talk to her and get comments about 'not understanding what it's like.'

From a selfish point of view I feel like I've lost both parents. I get no support at all from my mother anymore. It's all very sad.

We do have a family friend who worked in the NHS for many years so maybe she'd be able to offer some advice.

Sorry for your loss, op

I'd encourage you not to give up on your mum if you can. If its just the two of you left, there's no-one else who will care like you

Are the practical things handled? Rent, house, benefits etc? Have you notified local authorities and charities? She may be entitled to a care worker for example. Who is looking out for her day to day?

She's grieving - unfortunately people greive in different ways. It sounds like she dedicated herself to your dad 🥺

I can't offer a solution, bu you have my complete sympathy. My mum was the same after dad died, and I'm afraid it didn't end well. But remember that you have to look after yourself as well. It took me a while to realise that, and I wished in retrospect that I had done so earlier.
Take care, and I hope things work out well for you.

I think what I struggle with is that since losing my dad I have tried to live a life that would make him proud. I've tried to make the most of life. She has given up altogether.

I know losing a parent is different to losing your spouse. He was her life. But selfishly I feel very let down by her. And I know my dad would want her to live life not carry on like this.

I can't determine the way her grief plays out as pp said. I also don't feel like I can turn my back on her. But equally I struggle to cope with her, she can't be reasoned with, she won't accept help. She spends all of her time dwelling on the past and the people who are gone when she still has young grandkids who want to spend time with her.

From your op, i thought she was an alcoholic who couldn't do anything

Seems like she's functioning and doing her best. I'm sorry, i think yabu

This is life, your mum is so broken by her loss she can't cope alone it seems. She is overwhelmed by her loss and unable to help you right now. Yabu to feel as though you've lost out.

You need to put some support in place and step up for her, op, so sorry to say it. Contact her friends, any distant relatives and put some support in place before she gets worse. Poor thing 😢