AIBU to wait until after xmas to confront cheating husband?

[NotthexmasIplanned]

Posting this to help me process things as well as looking for advice from those that have been in a similar situation, as well as practical advice on what snooping / prep I should do to protect my interests

Just discovered DH of nearly 20 years has been cheating. We have 3 teenagers under 17, whilst I'm shocked, not surprised, our marriage has been struggling for at least 5 years, no longer intimate and we have separate interests. We’ve both acknowledged our marriage isn’t in a good state, he has some MH issues (anxiety, low self esteem, stress) largely due to untreated ADHD so was easy to stick my head in the sand and assume when that gets “fixed”, the marriage will improve.

Two days ago, I caught him lying about something trivial, which raised my suspicions and told him that. We were interrupted by kids so left it hanging. He then started being really pleasant and unusually happy and in a good mood (which is unusual as he is often moody and grumpy) so with xmas imminent and family arriving today haven’t pushed it. Bizarrely, with him being so ‘pleasant’ we are getting along quite nicely and it’s a pleasant atmosphere!

Today, I checked his laptop and found evidence of infidelity, he was drafting a long letter to a mysterious Ukrainian woman who seems to have ghosted him! There was other activity earlier in the year, messaging woman asking if they have availability for 30 min appointments! He has also been researching separation and divorce and considering future living arrangements.

Obviously I need to talk to him, but not till family leave after xmas. As crazy as it sounds, I can tolerate playing happy families as have been doing it for a while! Also need time to process my thoughts on this, do I want to separate, divorce or simply put my head in the sand for a couple months or even wait till the youngest goes to uni in 3 years?

I am not angry, don’t hate him just sad that it’s got to this stage :-( Regretting not being more proactive, either working on the marriage/ separating before getting to this. I think amicable separation is probably possible, but should we at least give it a proper try first? Is there any coming back from this?

Financial situation is complex, he manages our ‘wealth’ the finance, shares pensions etc is self employed and has a ltd company and we have multiple properties and mortgages. I don’t really have full visibility of all of this (due to my complacency).

So, what next? I feel I should be snooping on his laptop while everything is still ‘normal’ - I am not that interested in knowing exactly what he has been up to (that’s just going to hurt and could make me hate him, and I think it’s easier to pity him). Mostly want to understand his intent and how to make sure that I don’t get financially screwed over.

In your shoes I'd hang on a bit and get full view of your joint financial situation, with copies of as much paperwork as possible.

Never trust someone to behave reasonably and fairly once the end of a relationship becomes a fact and the details need sorting.

Hi OP,I'm so sorry your going through this,I found out my DH of 17 years was having an affair last September,but tried to make it work with him,until this May when I couldn't do it anymore. We've been separated since then but are still living together until possibly summer time next year.
How do you feel he will be about things financially?do you think he'll be fair with you?if your able to have a look at the accounts online,then it would be a good idea. Take pictures of them too. Do you have any accounts at all that are just yours?
Definitely look to speak to a solicitor in the new year if money allows,even as a short session for advice.
Sending hugs x

Find as much financial info as possible. Awful man!

spend more time getting a true picture of your finances and the financial picture of the ltd company of you can - making appointments with prostitutes, other than knowing he has done it - isn't especially helpful.

If you're happy to keep up the happy family charade, do so and use the time wisely.
If he is readily lying to you, attempting to give it another go seems a bit pointless, and from what you've written he doesn't sound as if he is contributing much to your well being or family life in general.

Thanks that's reassuring to hear that I am not being crazy to delay this, it's all such a shock, but yes you are right it's about using the time wisely.

Feeling a fool not to have spotted it earlier, really curious to know how he feels, is it largely due to the MH's issues and it's all a big mistake, or is it cold and calculated.

I'd like to feel that he would be fair with the finances, but who knows. He is very astute and will be one step ahead of me, so kind of feel at his mercy. Along with the kids, that makes me feel it's important to be amicable as possible.

Sorry to say this OP, but I think it's highly UNLIKELY that he will play fair about money, once it all comes out. I was convinced that my ex would be happy for everything to be sorted fairly, he was 'that sort of man', but then another woman got involved, and naturally she wanted him to come away with as much as possible, leaving me to fight for every penny.

Get copies of everything you can find relating to finances, pensions, etc., and go and see a solicitor for advice a.s.a.p, ideally before you tackle the subject with him again, so that you're properly prepared when you do speak to him.

I'm really sorry that this is all coming to a head at Christmas, but it does sound like you've more or less checked out of the relationship already, and it's only the fact that he's cheered up, that's even made you briefly consider the possibility of giving things one last try.

This is very true, he hasn't directed contributed to my well being for a while now, and I have felt lonely. So that alone should make we want to leave. But he does contribute hugely to kids lives, and does loads with them and when he is happy and engaged he is great, but I just don't see much of that.

Have never really pictured a future without him, so struggling to get my head around that. Think I was clutching to the dream that when the kids leave we would get back on track. Foolish really :-(

@MadnessIsMyMiddleName You are probably right about not playing fair, he is clearly not the man that I thought he was.

Any suggestions on how to get this financial info? There will be multiple accounts and stuff that I just don't know where to start.

I did just order a huge flash drive from Amazon so I can try and copy stuff from his laptop, but not sure what I am looking for :-(

biggest risk factor is what he has squirreled away in the business - can you get access to up to date management accounts? A limited company, but I assume it's a small one, so co house records won't tell you much.
An up to date balance sheet would be good - and a cashflow forecast.
Recent tax returns? - need to be filed in January.

Banking records, business and personal - would give you insight into any regular payments going into investments or savings accounts that you could then track down.
and less helpfully, payments to prostitutes.

Any pension records would be good too.

It's your life, it's up to you when you feel ready to deal with this. Leaving it until after Christmas when its so close makes sense. Personally I'd gather all the financial information and work out what outcome I wanted before saying anything to him.

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable comes along, but off the top of my head, what I'd do to find the information. For a start check emails if you can. I used to get emailed a link to statements for my managed fund investments. Would click on link and put in postcode to access statements. Check tabs and history on laptop, even just getting the names of the companies/managed funds/banks so at least you'll know if he leaves an investment out. Bank account if you have a joint one should show dividends going in for any managed funds or share investments. Emailed statements for mortgages. Get property addresses. Check for any physical papers and copy, even if couple years ago you can then ask what happened to that investment or pension if he doesn't include it. The moment he had an affair he was no longer on your side, don't expect fairness or for him to do the right thing, he's already shown what he's capable of. You need to mentally be prepared for him not to be fair because it really hurts and can knock you down.

Tax returns - yes!!

Fantastic idea, I have joint access to this, just checked and there is loads of stuff there! Great starting point

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness - Thanks there are some great ideas there. You have made me realise that the first step is to get visibility of whats there, even if I can't access it.
Also you made me realise that there will be a lot of paper, he is a hoarded and has paper copies of everything - lol

I.e the Dosh !!

Tax returns don’t have ISAs since they are tax free. Check for both cash and stocks and shares ISAs since if he’s been putting £20,000 a year in there, there may be a lot of money there.

Also pensions as @ThinWomansBrain says.

Paper copies of stuff is excellent - no digital footprint to indicate you're searching.
Do you have a printer with a scanning feature? - clearer images than photographing with your phone. (or that may just be me taking crap photos)

If your DH has been researching divorce/places to live, you can be sure he’s also looked into finances. Owning a limited company means he could well in the future, if not already, pay himself a low enough salary, supplemented by Dividends which could reduce maintenance payments based on salary.

I’d sit tight for now and gather as much information on your finances as you can.

Anything in the ltd company you won't get access to unless you have shares in the company. You need to try to get copies or photos of bank statements and pension details. You'd be able to pension share, so even if you don't have much in your pension and he has more you'd get 50 percent of the combined amount.

If it's a limited company you can access copies of the accounts through companies house site, just Google the company name & you can see who are directors, the company share holding they each have & the accounts. You need to have a good search through everything, bank accounts, shares, mortgage statements, credit card statements, check your credit file to make sure he hasn't taken any credit in your or joint names. Get yourself a current account in your name & start stashing as much money as you can, get your own pay & anything like child benefit etc paid into it, keep your eye on the joint account, check statements for unusual card payments like bar bills, hotel rooms, flowers, withdrawing cash from machines in areas he wouldn't usually go. Play the long game, keep your powder dry, you hold the cards because he doesn't know that you know what he has done, smile & nod, see a solicitor as soon as they reopen after Christmas for advice but don't drop the bomb until you have all the evidence to catch him out.

I haven’t read the responses. Don’t waste your time snooping looking for more evidence of infidelity. Use it to get a full handle on your financial situation. Take screenshots or printouts so you can share it with your divorce lawyer and get your full share. Especially with him owning a company it will be easy for him to minimise his income to minimise your child support.

If you can play happy families for a few days to get through Christmas for the kids, then that is perfectly reasonable.

Best of luck, it sounds like you will be much happier separating and divorcing, as hard as it may be short term.