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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband not got me a gift

26 replies

Lolly474747 · 23/12/2024 17:18

Husband has not brought me a Christmas
He has already told me he hasn't got me anything as he has been unwell to go shopping. This does feel like a bit of a running theme, there just seems no effort it terms of romance towards me, no dates, no gifts, sex most of the time initiated by me, never planned anything for any birthdays or celebrations. I hate special occasions because I know I will feel disappointed.
But apart from this he is an incredible family man, pays all the bills, great hands on dad, loyal husband, tells me he loves me and fancies me a lot, affectionate, works hard, we get on great. So I'm trying to be balanced but I can't help having these moments where I just feel taken for granted sometimes.
For reference, I do those things, plan spontaneous dates/gifts, keep things spicy etc
I don't know whether I am asking for too much. He did offer to pay for whatever I wanted and to get it myself, but this feels like an after thought.

OP posts:
RegulatorsMountUp · 23/12/2024 17:19

Don't give him any gifts. Make your point. Tell him it's hurtful. Amazon exists - illness is not an excuse.

ShortyShorts · 23/12/2024 17:21

Too unwell to use the internet?

Balls is he.

MissyB1 · 23/12/2024 17:23

You need to tell him this is something that affects how you feel about the marriage. If something is important to one partner in a relationship then the other one should respect that. It's supposed to be a partnership, if you can make the effort then so can he. Spell it out!!

MixedCouple2 · 23/12/2024 17:23

My DH is the same and expects nothing on return. If I need something I will tell him.and suggest as a gift. Just who he is.
As your DH he is amazing in every other aspect.

Hatty65 · 23/12/2024 17:23

Tell him he'd better get something ordered swiftly. And it had better be good.

He's not a child.

username299 · 23/12/2024 17:23

He knew about Christmas a year ago and has every shop at his fingertips. There's no excuse.

I would ask for a weekend away booked by him. He can do all the arrangements.

2dogsandabudgie · 23/12/2024 17:24

If you have bought him presents don't give them to him.

Sometimes me and my husband buy each other gifts other times we don't we may just buy a large item for both of us like a new TV or something, but it's always agreed in advance.

Original poster
Lolly474747 · 23/12/2024 17:25

To add he doesn't actually expect me to get him anything either.
He is selfless in that sense.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 23/12/2024 17:26

There’s Amazon on his phone. He could order you a gift in a few seconds - even just a bottle of perfume that the system suggests. He could put the order info in a card as it won’t arrive in time. Tell him no gift means that it’s not Christmas so you’re going out for the day by yourself.

Original poster
Lolly474747 · 23/12/2024 17:28

MixedCouple2 · 23/12/2024 17:23

My DH is the same and expects nothing on return. If I need something I will tell him.and suggest as a gift. Just who he is.
As your DH he is amazing in every other aspect.

Yes this is what I think, it's not a mean thing, I just think it's who he is. The only thing I can't understand is I have told him it's important to me, and oddly he did listen, but says he don't know how to do any of this nice stuff 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Mumofoneandone · 23/12/2024 17:28

I do a lot of my present shopping for myself - or send v specific links to my DH! It's just a bit easier that way.
You DH is being lazy - I'm disabled and managed all the Christmas shopping!! Not my favourite but made a lot of use of Amazon this year.
Sort yourself somethings tonight from Amazon........

TTPDTS · 23/12/2024 17:31

Some people are just not into presents - seeing as he doesn't expect anything from you, that sounds like it might be the case.

I understand the part of you saying it's something important to you - do you send specific ideas of what you want? Do you agree to get presents before hand and he just doesn't bother?

To me all of the positive points about him in your OP outweigh the fact he doesn't like doing presents.

MantisAndCrumpet · 23/12/2024 17:31

I have learnt my DH is very literal, so the year he asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said ‘oh, there’s nothing I really need’ I got… nothing.

Now I have to say ‘there’s nothing I need but if you got me X that would make me happy.’ I then get x.

Like your husband, he is genuinely not bothered if I get him nothing and doesn’t have the emotional agility to think someone else might feel differently to him (or at least that I would feel differently to him)

kikisparks · 23/12/2024 17:35

Lolly474747 · 23/12/2024 17:28

Yes this is what I think, it's not a mean thing, I just think it's who he is. The only thing I can't understand is I have told him it's important to me, and oddly he did listen, but says he don't know how to do any of this nice stuff 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

You might need to send him the exact link to what you want, well in advance, if he’s always been rubbish at this kind of thing it’s not likely to change. It’s a shame he’s not thoughtful and romantic about this for you, but hopefully if you’re very explicit and make it easy he can at least do that. A colleague buys all her own Christmas presents and tells her husband that’s his gifts to her.

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 17:38

He’s not a good family man, he’s a good father. He can’t be a good family man until he’s a more thoughtful husband because you are part of that family.

He can buy you anything from your favourite chocolates or a bottle of your perfume to cashmere and Cartier diamonds online. Is he so unwell he hasn’t picked up his phone for the past month?

BlueMum16 · 23/12/2024 17:42

He needs to demonstrate to your children gifting is important to show you care. It can be a box of chocolates. Doesn't have to be flights to New York.

Tell him to get on Amazon right now.

People do what you allow them to.

MollieSugdon · 23/12/2024 17:44

I choose my own gift, buy it, wrap it and put it under the tree, have done for YEARS. This year the kids are teenagers and they have learned that I do this, every year prior they thought it was him giving "excellent" gifts. Now they know the truth they think it is hilarious.

Honestly you can't change them but you can order something for yourself.

Original poster
Lolly474747 · 23/12/2024 17:49

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 17:38

He’s not a good family man, he’s a good father. He can’t be a good family man until he’s a more thoughtful husband because you are part of that family.

He can buy you anything from your favourite chocolates or a bottle of your perfume to cashmere and Cartier diamonds online. Is he so unwell he hasn’t picked up his phone for the past month?

For reference he does pre than his fair share of cleaning, washing, food shopping, school runs etc hence me saying family man.
I just worry the lack of romance will make us more 'friends' but also don't want to be unreasonable in my expectations as I do appreciate him for what he does

OP posts:
User37482 · 23/12/2024 17:59

Neither DH or I really care about presents and we don’t really do romance. We are very happily married despite this. I think he just doesn’t understand how to meet your needs here. It’s not important to him so he doesn’t understand how important it is to you. I know love languages are seen as bollocks some times but I think theres a dollop of truth there. Maybe try to explain it in those terms. What does he really appreciate about you and what do you need to feel appreciated by him.

maltravers · 23/12/2024 18:05

If he’s otherwise a good husband, I would just tell him (1) you will be upset if there’s no present (2) if he needs ideas here is a list of things you might like (perfume, headphones, whatever!) , please could he go and buy one of these tomorrow and wrap it, there is still time. Otherwise this will upset your Christmas and other Christmases to come.

Davros · 23/12/2024 18:08

Stop making excuses and tell him to get to fuck. Don't give him anything. DH did this to me on my birthday a couple of times, I was very upset and, when he tried to cobble something together afterward, I told him where to shove his cheap bouquet 💐 💩

Wonderi · 23/12/2024 18:24

If he’s genuinely been poorly then I’d let it go.

But I would tell him that gifts mean a lot to you and you would like him to make more effort in the future.

MuggleMe · 23/12/2024 18:28

Put together an Amazon wish list and let him know it's ok if whatever it is arrives after Xmas. Then make it clear you expect gifts for all special occasions. Perhaps give him a list of your fave perfume, makeup, jewellery, chocolate, clothes/shoe/ring size etc. (I know I know) and inform him this is the last time he's allowed to flake. You feel undervalued and although he doesn't care about gifts, you do.

CurlewKate · 23/12/2024 18:35

I really hate it when people say "That's just how he is/I am" Once upon a time I couldn't drive a car. It was just how I was. But you know what? I learned.

RickiRaccoon · 23/12/2024 18:39

A gift from your spouse on Christmas and birthdays is not asking too much. I don't care too much what DH gets but I expect something.

It's part of the tradition and models to our kids caring for other people. If he told me he hasn't got me anything, I'd tell him straight up that's a poor effort (exceptions obviously made for some actual dire situations).