STBXH wants to move into a house by my new house

[CandyColouredEggshells]

Slight backstory, left my STBXH in April, he was abusive in lots of ways but never physically. I left with the help and guidance of a DA charity but I never logged anything with the police so there’s nothing like that on record officially.

Since we’ve separated I’ve tried my absolute best to be amicable mainly so he’d cooperate with things for getting the house on the market etc. and it’s been tough. He’s been very evasive about doing anything helpful, he’s too busy/depressed/doesn't want to rush into anything. He’s turned a lot of people against me and tried to make out I left because I was mentally unstable etc. as well as going through phases of trying to convince me to give things another go. I sometimes feel like he still has this control over me and I’m still modifying my behaviour to placate him and I can’t wait until I’ve got my own place so I only have to engage with him about our DD.

Anyway, our house sold, I’ve had an offer accepted on a house I love and although I’ve had to keep reminding him to do the things he needs to like take id to the solicitor it’s been slowly and steadily progressing. He was half heartedly looking for somewhere, and when I asked him this morning (he came to collect DD from my parents house where I’m currently living) he announced he’s going to look at a couple of houses in the new year, on the same estate/village that I’m buying a house on. I’m absolutely kicking myself for telling him that’s where I was moving to (he only knows the general area) and I feel like he’s doing this on purpose because up until today he’s been looking at places about 40 minutes away because he wanted a “fresh start”.

Am I being dramatic and overreacting?

Same street or same estate village

It's quite normal for separated parents to live in the same areas as one another. It makes co-parenting much easier.

This

Same street erm no

Same area makes easier

Ex dh is other end of town so 5/10mins in car

Makes life easier then Friends who are 30min away

How old is dd

Not entirely sure, to try and retain anonymity I hope this makes sense 😂;

He knows I’m buying a house in Little Whinging, but he doesn’t know the house is on Privet Drive. Little Whinging isn’t a massive place, a decent sized estate, with a village-y feel so there is a village centre with shops/cafes/a hairdresser and things like that. I don’t know exactly where the houses are that he’s going to look at, Rightmove tells me it probably won’t also be on Privet Drive. I just find myself very prickled that I’m moving there, it’s not where I was living before or now or anything, it’s just a nice area and by a good secondary school and not far from where I am now so I’ll still be close to family and work. I don’t know for the life of me why he’d pick there were it not for me living there.

The idea of seeing him in the local pub or the chippy makes me cringe.

I get it makes you cringe but to be honest, he is the father of your child.

However, from the way you've described him, he's unlikely to get his arse into gear and buy himself a house without your help anyway.

Living in the the Same village or estate potentially means less need for interaction once your divorce is finalised and properties sold and new one is bought and as your daughter gets older.

Your daughter will be able to walk herself too and from each parents from fairly early on so no having to negotiate with him over who is doing the travelling. Birthday, Xmas etc is a lot less contentious without travel as your daughter can pop over to the other parent easily for a couple of hours so no need for lots of travel drama or negotiation over who has exactly which day etc. likewise, she can stop by his for tea on way home from secondary school without it needing to be something you are involved with

Obviously you need boundaries to keep yourself safe and comfortable but having a co-parent within easy walking distance can actually reduce conflict and empower your daughter to have the relationships she wants with her parents without you needing to facilitate it actively

I think it’s because I literally ran away from him lol, he is a good dad (verbally abusing his DD’s mother in front of her aside) so I agree for that it makes sense, but I just feel like I’m starting again and moving on and he’s trying to follow me 🙄

Right - he’s trying to piss you off - if he tries to say something about moving to that village again, give a big smile and say you think it would be lovely for the kids that they could just walk round to his house and not have to be dropped off or picked up. That you were slightly dreading his original plan of him living in xxx town, as an hour and half round trip to drop off or pick up the kids on his time would be such a faff, particularly when the traffic is bad. But you didn’t want to say anything negative as he was planning his fresh start. You hope he finds a house he can feel comfortable in.

nothing will put him off an idea more than thinking it would make you happy.

DD is 9. Hoping it’s not the same street, don’t think so looking at what’s on the market on Rightmove 😬

He can move wherever he wants to for whatever reason he wants to.
If you don’t like it take ownership and don’t move near the place where he will move to.

Have considered this, but the house has everything I need and I’m down £600 I don’t have (overdraft) on solicitors fees, if I choose a different house it’ll cost me.

Good point

Agree with sounding neutral or even slightly happy that he will be close by for your dd and to make contact easier. There is a chance he will back away from it if he thinks it will suit you better.

Your DD would be able to walk between your homes. That's useful and annoying at the same time.

Let that be a lesson to you; stop making chit chat with him and only talk about your child and contact with your child.

Realistically, you can't control what he does/ doesn't do. All you can control is how you react to it. I'd give him the bare minimum emotional energy. He wants a reaction. Just smile , say that's nice and change the subject to your child or contact.

If he's a good dad maybe he's just trying to follow his kids. I get that this is uncomfortable for you but unfortunately when you have kids with someone you can never really run away.

Tell him how great that will be, as when you have a date, your child can just walk to his for the evening! I'm sure he'll soon change his mind😂

Play the long game, get the house in your name, sell up.in your head keep saying, I have control, this is temporary.

Make sure you get a video bell that will pick up voices and NEVER allow him into your new home.

Have that boundary that this is your new space.

Good luck.