WWYD with a narcissistic FIL who doesn’t get NC

[sushiandarollie]

We’ve gone NC (or have in our minds) with FIL who is narcissistic. We’ve endured years of drama and a lot of hatred towards me ( see previous post for detail). A couple of months ago I finally snapped and it ended with NC ( I have begged husband to block him but he refused). All has been quiet recently although I told husband to expect a sob story message over Xmas about how mean I am with not letting him see our son blah blah. A message come through today from FIL saying he has got bladder cancer but he’s bigged it up , saying he’ll have chemo over Xmas etc and will be in hospital etc.
AIBU to think we don’t need to know this? It’s not NC if he starts telling us stuff? I can see a text coming soon about how awful I am again.
He is a narcissist and cries wolf all the time- he’s come out with stuff about prostate cancer in the past (it wasn’t cancer) and his wife with ovarian cancer (it wasn’t) and

last year breast cancer (which also wasn’t, it was actually an infection). He also had said stuff in the past about needing high risk operations that miraculously was better few months later and GP having a stroke (we rushed into hospital and it wasn’t a stroke).

Also just incase someone says I’m insensitive, my husband got diagnosed last year and I’m fully aware of the impact cancer has, but I genuinely don’t believe FIL and I think he’s trying to guilt my husband into letting him see our son over Xmas. What should I do?

Well your husband hasn’t gone NC has he?

I would make it clear to your husband you want noth8ng to do with his father, that he won’t be coming for Christmas and if he wants to contact him he can do, but it is not to impact on your Christmas and you don’t want to know anything about it

Leave it to your husband. If your fil is still messaging you, block him. If your husband wants to see his father, that's surely his decision. You can't make decisions for other adults. His bladder cancer is probably a fiction, but drop the rope. Let your husband deal with it

I had to make the decision as it was putting drama onto us as a couple and involved our child. My husband doesn’t want to see FIL and made it clear he is not welcome here

If you have gone NC but your husband hadn’t, then make sure you are not emoting for your husband.
If DH says “FIL says or did X” and you react emotionally, then your husband doesn’t have to feel those difficult feelings himself. It’s like he’s outsourced the uncomfortable emotions to you and he can brush them off himself. He won’t have to face them or deal with them himself. (And he can internally label you the difficult emotional one and maintain his self perception as the calm reasonable one that is “stuck in the middle).
If you respond with, “Huh” and then change the subject, he is then compelled to deal with his feelings and situation.
He may ramp up trying to get you to emote, but if you keep calm and disengaged he then has to work out how he really feels and what he has to do.
Easier said than done, and it’s a process. So go luck.

This statement makes me think you TOLD your husband to go NC and he agreed, but didn't really want to do it??

He struggles but only because he finds it difficult and emotional and tends to like avoiding situations that make him uncomfortable. He doesn’t have his mum so has put up with a lot. But then his dad came round and threw a lifetime of sh!t directed at me and I said enough is enough, it’s too stressful

If you want to go NC that's fine and reasonable to say to your husband and his father that you don't want to be contacted, up to your husband (without your guilt trip) to decide whether he's happy to hear from him or not.

Your DH still wants contact with his father. You can tell him that you don't want to hear anything about it as you're not interested and don't want to get involved. If he needs to talk to someone suggest a therapist.

As everyone else has said, your DH has not gone no contact. Which is his right, but you don't have to get involved. So if your DH is telling you all this, do not react, do not discuss, do not debate. If your DH feels obliged to see or speak to him, that does not mean you have to. It can be very very difficult in these situations because the person who is most emotionalyl impacted (in this case, FIL's son - your DH) can't just turn off the guilt and worry and impact of the manipulation.

It's also important to understand that even if your DH does go no contact, going no contact does not mean the other person just miraculously goes, "oh right, they dont' want contact with me so I'll leave them alone". x1000 if they are displaying narcissistic behaviour traits. No contact means that you block and refuse to engage. Doesn't mean they won't try.

Yes but that doesn't really awnser the question, did you tell your DH "WE are having NC with your father" and he nodded like "yes dear".

I'm not just blaming you here, he should be man enough to tell you to leave off and piss off if he isn't happy with going NC... instead it feels like he made you believe he was happy with it for a quiet life.

Your DH hasn't gone NC and you can't force him to. You can be NC though - ask your DH not to tell you when FIL has been in touch, and refuse to see him yourself.

You have to decide “not my circus, not my monkeys”. Say things like “You do what you need to do, I’m staying out of it remember?” to DO in a casual way and change the subject.

I agree with what @MauveGoose and @OriginalUsername2 suggest. Your DH needs to get to the point where his dad's behaviour is such a problem that he also doesn't care.

OP you don't seem to understand what NC is or means.

You can choose to not communicate with someone but you can't demand they don't communicate with you. That's not how it works. You can't get worked up because FIL isn't NC you.

The only thing you can do is block him which your dh has said he doesn't want do. His reluctance to block his df suggests he doesn't want to go fully NC but is not able to tell you. Because by the sounds of things you feel you have the right to control what your dh and your fil do and don't do

@sushiandarollie you have not gone no contact at all!! he wouldnt be able to contact you if he had! you need to block him altogether. if you use whatsapp delete yourself from the group and if you started the group then delete him. block on facebook. block his phone. block his emails! that is no contact! this is all done on your phone! your dh can start a new whatsapp group with his father.

You've gone NC. Your husband hasn't, and apparently isn't willing to.

You need to tell your husband that you don't want to be told about his father's messages and you don't want your child seeing him. It's up to your husband whether he wants to engage or ignore, but you should have zero involvement and your husband shouldn't be sharing messages with you.