To back off for now?

[Carriesell]

I have been dating a lovely chap for 2 months and it’s been going really well.

Sadly, over the last 5 years he’s lost two people close to him over Christmas, and has told me before that he finds the festive season hard.

We haven’t been able to see each other this last week and likely won’t until NYE now, due to our respective work schedules and having our kids, but we always keep in touch a lot. Things seemed great.

Suddenly he was uncharacteristically short with me a couple of days ago. I was quite shocked.

He apologised the next day and reiterated that Christmas is really hard for him and affects his moods.

I asked him if he’d like some space during this time and he said no, and that there wasn’t much I could do, but he appreciated me bearing with him.

I won’t see him now till next week and I am finding I’m quite nervous to text or call him as normal now, knowing how he’s feeling, which is the opposite of how we usually are, where we keep in touch a lot. He’s definitely been quieter than usual and harder to engage with.

AIBU to somewhat back off for now? For both my sake and his.

Of course I’ll reply to his messages, but I feel very nervous about engaging too much, in case I become an annoyance. I really like him so I don’t want to push him away, but don’t know him well enough to know how the best way to navigate this.

I wouldn't text or call, just let him contact you and reply accordingly.

I can appreciate that this is a hard time of year for some people. Was the relationship really good before and do you really think this is just him dealing with things? What I will say is that in a relationship of only 2 months it's usual that you are both on your best behaviour and wanting the other person see your best side, a good relationship should never be this difficult in the beginning. I could be wrong but (from personal experience) if the first few months is full of angst and confusion then there's something wrong. He should be keen to make time for you and there should be no worry about 'pushing him away'. I would definitely back off, see if he comes running, if he doesn't move on.

You're not listening to him, are you?

I asked him if he’d like some space during this time and he said no, and that there wasn’t much I could do, but he appreciated me bearing with him.

Keep texting as normal but keep it light and don't double text.

This is the only time there’s ever been any angst or difficulty. It’s been so easy and drama free up till now. He mentioned how hard Christmas is for him on our very first date, and how it impacts his moods, so I don’t think he’s making it up.

But I do feel now that things feel like they’re hanging in the balance, out of nowhere, and suddenly the situation’s really delicate.

I’ve really enjoyed dating him up until now but now feeling like I’m tiptoeing around knowing he’s feeling low, is taking the enjoyment out of it, for sure (and I realise how completely selfish I sound by saying that).

I'd give him the space, but I wouldn't stop texting etc, just keep it light and casual. Let him come to you when he's ready.

Light, open statements, no questions or things that demand a response.

Thank you. Originally I was doing exactly the opposite and texting questions to try to engage him but I did instinctively feel it was the wrong move, hence posted on MN for suggestions.

If you continue this relationship this will be your Christmas every year. Is that what you want?

Lots of people find Christmas hard, that's an explanation, but it's not an excuse for making someone else feel bad.

I’m not really thinking this far ahead right now.

That being said, we’ve have hardly spoken at all since he admitted he was moody because of the time of year. We usually talk a ton (I know unusual for some, but normal for us). So the silence is very loud.

I don’t love the way it’s making me feel.

Hello, I'm curious to know how things are now and how you're doing. Are you still seeing him?