TLDR; My dad and his long term girlfriend keep slagging me off to my partner behind my back
Backstory: I've never had the best relationship with my dad. He was abusive to my mum growing up to which I was a witness, and both him and his partner were emotionally abusive to me as a child. Stepmum never liked me and made this known. She'd tell me I'm not normal because I was quieter and wanted to read books rather than play sports like her son. Telling me I'm just like my mother, a hermit crab and weird. I'm difficult etc.
As a teen, I cut off contact with them both as a result.
At 18, my dad reached out to say he wanted a relationship again to which I reluctantly agreed to meet up and have done since. The way they treated me as a child has never been spoken about or addressed, just swept under the carpet which I guess is why I feel so awkward around them.
We see each other a handful of times a year. I now have a 3 year old DC.
I can do no right in their eyes. I’m always too difficult, too rude, too quiet, too something etc. They will act lovely to my face but make horrible snidey, judgemental comments about me behind my back to other family members and my partner. I’m nothing but nice but anything I say gets twisted or exaggerated by them.
I was recently diagnosed with autism and ADHD which I told them both about, explaining why I find things difficult and why I was so quiet and “different” as a child. I even sent a link to a website with more information in the hope they’d read up and try to be more understanding. Well, nope. It seems to have cemented their view that I’m just ‘difficult and rude’ . Which is crazy as they’ve never considered that the reason I might feel so uncomfortable and unwelcoming around them is how they treated me growing up!🙄
We all met up yesterday at softplay and my partner came too. We were all chatting nicely and it appeared it was a nice family meet up. Unbeknownst to me (but to be expected I guess), every time I went off to attend to DC, they were both grilling my partner about me and my mum and being nasty. Every time I came back they stopped and didn’t bring up anything with me. They kept up the pretence of being all nice.
It made my partner uncomfortable to be in that position especially when he’s only met them twice. They keep asking me to bring him along but did the exact same last time so he’s been reluctant.
I try my best to play happy families but I’m at a point where I’m so pissed off about it all.
Some comments from yesterday’s charming meet up:
“It has to be her way doesn’t it”
“Does she ever take DC out?” (Pissed me off the most. Yes I fucking do! But they like to keep up the narrative that I’m not normal and that must be an explanation for why my toddler had a tantrum once)
“She’s never had a drink in her life!” (Mocking me for not drinking)
“So cross that she’s not got a car yet” (recently passed test and they’re annoyed I’m not driving as it’s inconvenient they can’t see us as much)
“Shes so rude, she never rings her dad” (I’ve explained phone calls are difficult for me and I’d much rather text. He only calls me when he’s driving at work anyway which is usually in middle of day when I’m dealing with DC)
“She’s too soft, not strict enough” (based on one occasion where my toddler had a very normal toddler meltdown)
The easiest thing to do is not see them anymore but I just feel sad. I want a relationship with my dad and I want my child to see their grandad as we don’t have much family around. I’m just so fed up of the nasty comments, the constant sneaky questioning to try and find something new to gossip about me etc. It’s all so pathetic and ridiculous. It’s infuriating!! Why bother at all?
What would you say to them in this situation?