Shitty friends…AIBU?

[StaceysMom17]

I had this group of friends, me and two others have been friends since we were 9 and we had met the others during our uni days and remained close friends up until recently (we are all late 30s).

Friend 1 (who I have known since we were children) is getting married in February and met up with all of our friendship group except me and asked them all to be bridesmaids with a big grand gesture. They all plastered it over social media which is how I found out.

now she is entitled to have who she wants as a bridesmaid, that I really don’t mind but what really hurt was that not one of them reached out to me to see if I was ok or to even pre warn me (her) that she was going to ask them all except me.

my issue isn’t not being a bridesmaid, it’s how I was singled out that really hurt with no real explanation and now she’s mad at me for being upset. I actually had people from her social media who know her message me to say they had noticed I wasn’t included and was I ok. But yet my so called closest friends all blanked me.

am I right to feel hurt? I reached out to friend 1 and got no reply but heard through the grapevine that she’s mad at me for being upset. I have cut them off now but I feel really hurt. Am I in the wrong?

No that's weird that there was no explanation.

Can you think of a reason? Do you have children and they don't etc?

Either way no matter what the reason, she should've spoken to you before it hit social media.

Nope no reason, we all have children of the same age ironically so it’s not that.

im really confused and really hurt

That is so weird and unfair they done that I think your better off without them judging by this random incident

Some people like to create drama. If it wasn’t you, it would have been one of the others. The others were probably feeling a bit powerful being included in the moment, but will most likely feel awful later.
You have done the right thing cutting them off. You ruined the brides plan to drag out the carry on, all the Facebook posts about dress shopping, the matching shirts for the hens party that are designed to make the others feel like crap. But hopefully you have blocked them all on everything, and while it hurts you aren’t playing the game she wants you to play.

I think it's reasonable to ask her or at least ask one of the others if they know why everyone was included except you

This happened to me ten years ago. I'd moved to the next town, not a million miles away. I'd had a baby. I was sat on my sofa and looking at Facebook and came across the three other girls in my friendship group celebrating one of them getting engaged, and the other two being her bridesmaids. That's how I found out she was getting married also.

I text them all there and then telling them to get f&@ked. They called me dramatic, they don't see me often etc. Blaming me. Whatever their reasons/excuses, there was no reason not to give me to kindness of a prewarn.

Haven't spoken to any of them since. They were school friends. My life is so much better without them. I didn't have friends for a while, but as life moved forward I made more, some who stuck some who didn't. I have a couple of amazing friends now, and some other lovely acquaintances.

The situation highlighted that those girls weren't really my friends anymore. They'd served their purpose and I'd served mine. Yes it hurt at the time, but it was for the best.

Are you ok OP?

Exactly. Unless there's some other reason you are not sharing (e.g. a falling out with Friend 1) then I can't think of another reason besides creating drama. Does she has form for wanting things to revolve around her? Does she control communications in the group? I mean like she always has the information and plays with it?
I'm sorry: if there"s really no other reason, this seems mean and I think you should know why she's done this. You have all the right to be upset and ask around or directly confront het. You have nothing to loose.

She's mad at you for being upset? You're better off without them, that's for sure (although as that info is via the grapevine, I wouldn't give it 100% credence).

I wouldn't contact them/her asking why - what possible answer could make it better?

They are no longer your friends - sad, but true. They cannot help you or support you - dignified silence is the way forward. Do you have other friendship groups?

Sorry I know this isn't your original post, but I find texting them to tell them all to go fuck themselves is a bit much? You are not entitled to always know what's happening in their lives all of the time... there shouldn't be this massive obligation that XYZ NEED to know before Facebook. Yes it was probably hurtful to see and social media can really have this negative impact, but on reflection do you not ever feel a bit silly?

OP you are entitled to cut them off if you wish, but I wouldn't take this advice as inspiration. Just mentally downgrade the friendship and carry on living your life.

I wasn't implying that's what OP should say. These girls had form and this was the last straw for me. So yes they did deserve it, and no I didn't feel silly.

I was in the midst of new parenthood and it hurt.

YANBU at least she could have messaged to let you know. At least you don't have to spend a fortune on a hen do & wedding. I think they must have surely known you would be a bit hurt by it all.

Bit of a stretch but do you think you wasn’t included because she was going to ask you to be maid of honour seen as you’ve known her since being a child, you’ve got upset and asked questions which has upset her because she was going to ask you that? Like I say bit of a stretch but seems bizarre to leave you out, unless it could be a numbers thing?

Hope they all have to spend a fortune going to a poxy hen do, destination wedding and deal with a bridezilla!
Leave them to it xx

I'd be so hurt too @StaceysMom17

People are strange.
I've been let down by long term friends who I have helped through really dark times in their lives.
My default now is to be wary of all friendships, sadly.

YANBU at all OP I’d feel very hurt by this and for what it’s worth I’d also question the motives of these ‘friends’ of social media contacting you for your reaction. Were they sent as flying monkeys so your so called ‘friends’ could gloat at your reaction to it all ?

id tell the social media people to do one tbh ..

That's a very hurtful thing to have done to you . She knew you would be upset or why not be upfront about it . Why has she done this though , perhaps you'll never know but I would block them aswell . You don't need friends like this and there are better people out there .

And mine !!

This is rotten - whether they had reasons (however valid...) or not, you deserved to not find out on social media like that.

I think the fact your other friend is now not replying shows they know the situation is wrong and they feel awkward for being part of it but don't want to put themselves in the position of confronting the others over it.

In my early 20s, I found out two friends in our core three person group were deliberately leaving me out of things and it was really hurtful. I cut them off and still have no idea why, but thankfully I had other friends to focus on. Hopefully you do too.

Some people are just weird. Sorry this has happened.

This is horrible. Have you asked her why, OP? I can’t imagine having a friendship with someone for so long and being so close, but not knocking on her door for a heart to heart. I’d be wondering if I’d done something to upset her.

Sorry this had happened to you OP. You’re better off without them.

she’d mad at me for being upset

I’ll never understand why rude and hurtful people get annoyed when others are upset by them.

I’ve found this

when I’ve cut friends off in the past they’re always offended - but they don’t consider what they might have done

These posts are reminding me to not concentrate on one friendship group and maintain others, just in case!

Yes, Jumelle, it mystifies, confuses and frustrates me.
If anyone can explain I’d be grateful.