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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner doesn't care how he looks

23 replies

Ptgirl · 22/12/2024 18:35

This is probably going to sound completely unreasonable and I want to know what others think. Partner and I are both in the fitness industry. We met a few years ago..we are happy but a few things have started bothering me. Where as I work hard to stay in shape ( both in our 50s) ..he has surprised me with how little he cares about how he looks, especially considering his job. He basically eats whatever he wants and doesn't care at all that he's gained quite a bit of weight...I did try and very gently say something but he just laughed. I make a lot of effort to always look nice, I've always been like that where as he's A lot more relaxed about it...Now he wants to grow a beard ..I hate beards but he says he wants one so that's that. Now I get that it's his body and face ..but I personally wouldn't want to have an appearance he didn't like so finding it hard to see his view. Just curious how others might find it. . Am I being unreasonable..?

OP posts:
Newgirls · 22/12/2024 18:37

Are you married or living together? Sounds like it’s time to move on if you can?

Pinkissmart · 22/12/2024 18:37

It’s his face, he can grow a beard if he wants.
But I’m confused by how he can be in the fitness industry but not care what he eats/ etc?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/12/2024 18:38

If it bothers you that much, move on.

Drearycommuter · 22/12/2024 18:42

Being super fit and hot is not something I can sustain and I wouldn’t pursue a partner who did - it’s too significant a part of someone’s identity IMO.

It doesn’t matter if he’d do the same for you - it’s if you want to be in the relationship with him if he continues with his lifestyle. It’s legit to not want to.

Biroclicker · 22/12/2024 18:44

So he does care how he looks. He cares about having a beard. It just doesn't fit in with your expectations. Adjust them or leave.

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 22/12/2024 18:44

I don’t understand when people vote YBU. I get relationships are definitely more then skin deep but you can’t expect me to keep wanting to have sex with you if you become massively overweight and stop caring about what you look like.

JetskiSkyJumper · 22/12/2024 18:47

If a bloke posted this about a woman he'd be roasted

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/12/2024 18:47

It's his face, in fairness. I don't love a beard either, but so many men have them now - he's hardly alone. I guess it is like a woman deciding she's not going to colour her hair any more - most men don't love it but it is not their choice to make.

Fuckityfucks · 22/12/2024 18:54

My DH was getting like this - eating junk, moving less, and I did find it unattractive.

We had a chat about general health and how he was feeling, he was very stressed about work; once this was sorted, he was back to himself again and the extra weight fell off.

Is your DH stressed lately? Had a big change?

Original poster
Ptgirl · 22/12/2024 18:55

No he's the most laid back unstressed person I've ever met... He just honestly isn't bothered...

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 22/12/2024 19:00

I couldn't go out with someone overweight because health and fitness is such a big part of my life.

If you are finding him less attractive, is it affecting your desire / sex drive? Could he pick up on that and be motivated to change?

Sossijiz · 22/12/2024 19:07

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/12/2024 18:47

It's his face, in fairness. I don't love a beard either, but so many men have them now - he's hardly alone. I guess it is like a woman deciding she's not going to colour her hair any more - most men don't love it but it is not their choice to make.

Well, my partner is free to grow a beard if he wants, but if he does, he won't be putting his face anywhere near me.

livingafulllife · 22/12/2024 19:31

LOL is all i can say.

missmollygreen · 22/12/2024 19:52

Newgirls · 22/12/2024 18:37

Are you married or living together? Sounds like it’s time to move on if you can?

Would you say the same to a man if his partner put on weight after having a baby? Or during the menopause?

Pumpkincozynights · 22/12/2024 19:57

I find it strange that someone in the fitness industry doesn’t care about their own fitness.

Newgirls · 22/12/2024 23:14

missmollygreen · 22/12/2024 19:52

Would you say the same to a man if his partner put on weight after having a baby? Or during the menopause?

Show quote history

but this isn’t the case here? It’s a newish relationship isn’t it?

Original poster
Ptgirl · 23/12/2024 06:11

X

OP posts:
katter · 23/12/2024 06:21

Ptgirl · 23/12/2024 06:11

X

Edited

Did he actually care when you met him or was he just eating better for health reasons?
I wouldn't expect anybody to maintain the same appearance in a relationship.
Has he ever complained abou you changing your hair color oder getting your hair cut?

katter · 23/12/2024 06:22

Newgirls · 22/12/2024 23:14

but this isn’t the case here? It’s a newish relationship isn’t it?

Show quote history

She said they met few yearsago.

Teanbiscuits33 · 23/12/2024 06:46

missmollygreen · 22/12/2024 19:52

Would you say the same to a man if his partner put on weight after having a baby? Or during the menopause?

Show quote history

Having a baby or the menopause aren’t exactly comparable though to be fair. He is putting weight on by choice that can easily be avoided.

Arguably, having a baby is a choice, but that would be a choice they both had a part in making, and putting weight on would be an expected outcome of that. The menopause is also a natural change that can bring with it some extra weight that is harder to shed. I don’t think they are remotely comparable to a man just not giving a shit about his weight.

It might be that he’s sick of keeping up the effort and is comfortable enough to think OP loves him enough regardless of his appearance, but I agree that if this is something she really can’t get past, then she needs to leave.

Perhaps he only got into that industry in the hope of pulling a slim and fit woman who he stereotypically thinks often fancy fitness instructors, then gave up when he deemed it mission accomplished 🤣

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 23/12/2024 06:49

I would be moving on personally. I wonder if he is hoping if you'll break up with him as he has gained weight and is growing a beard he knows you do not like.

LizzoBennett · 23/12/2024 07:03

Yeah, I agree with the PP. He is trying to get you to dump him, because he's so laid back (aka lazy) that he can't be bothered.

JumpstartMondays · 23/12/2024 07:07

Sossijiz · 22/12/2024 19:07

Well, my partner is free to grow a beard if he wants, but if he does, he won't be putting his face anywhere near me.

Show quote history

I said similar to my DH so he asked the 4yo the next morning who said.....exactly the same, independently 🤣

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