To think she doesn't want my friendship?

[MehthisXmas]

A couple of months ago my friend asked me to keep today free to meet and celebrate her birthday. I did so, happily. I messaged her last week and then on Friday to check we were still meeting ( she's pulled out before so I wanted to make sure) She replied yes and that she's looking forward to it.

Yesterday she sent a message saying she's unwell and then later on another saying she finds this time of year hard so won't be meeting me. I said I could just drop her gifts at her door. She said no. I then asked her to send me her full address so I can send by post. She responded telling me to save the gifts and we can meet in spring. I said I don't want to have them hanging around until then and if she just gives me her address I'll post them. She's not responded since that message yesterday.

I feel really quite upset and it's ruined my weekend to be honest. I chose her gifts carefully and feel like they've just been dashed back in my face. I feel I've made a fool of myself by thinking she is my friend. I only have one other friend and they're online only.

AIBU to think she doesn't want my friendship? I've had a truly terrible year and don't know if I'm just overly sensitive at the moment. I just feel utterly crap about it all.

It sounds like she's finding Christmas quite hard and even recieving gifts would be upsetting for her.

I understand she's finding it hard but to pull out at the last minute and reject my gifts just feels so horrible and unnecessary. She could accept and simply not open until ready.

I don't even know where to go from here with it all. I don't reallly want to make plans for spring that she'll probably cancel again.

Have you ever met her?

Perhaps by accepting them now, she will feel obligated to reciprocate/act happy/whatever.
She has asked you, clearly, not to do it, so please don't pester her about it.
How long have you been friends for, is this something she has done before? Perhaps space is the best gift right now.

Yes. We live a short bus ride away from each other (I know where she lives but not the address iykwim). We're both quite reclusive though so only meet usually twice per year.

I don't get what you'd even get out of a relationship like that. It doesn't sound like you are a priority and I'd be donating the gifts to the charity shop and moving on.

Do you have the receipts? Could you return them or exchange for something you would like?

She has asked you, clearly, not to do it, so please don't pester her about it.

Oh I certainly won't. I've got the message loud and clear about the gifts.

We've been friends for about 5 years. She's pulled out of meeting up before but usually tells me in plenty of time and we rearrange. She's always the one to suggest meeting.

Unfortunately the gift is personalised with her name and a nice message.

I feel so embarrassed.

I would drop it off at a charity store then. Maybe someone with the same name will find it?

I don’t think she’s a true friend. Meet in Spring? What about the rest of December or January/February? Even if she finds this time of year hard why couldn’t she have said she will meet you in early January instead or let you come over after Christmas? She’s clearly not bothered about you or your gifts. Has she got a very unique name? If not then just donate them (including the personalised named one) and hopefully someone else will appreciate them.

I think you're right, she isn't bothered about me. I wish she had just been upfront about it and I wouldn't have wasted my time.

It's a real shame. She's nice, I enjoyed her company and our chats a lot.

Is there more to this? Had she anxiety, previous grief at Christmas? You said she finds Christmas hard?

She does suffer with anxiety and I have been understanding. She doesn't like leaving the house but neither do I. I leave the house every 3 months but she actually goes out weekly.

She just says she has bad memories at this time of year. No grief.

You sound really thoughtful and a good friend, so please dont let this hurt you any more than it has. The ball is in her court now. But don't let her control or ruin your next few days. I'd say whatever is going on with her is her own issues, nothing to do with you xxx

Wow you both leave the house so rarely!

You both sound like you need help integrating further into society.

She's treated you badly, there's no excuse.

Do you know approximately her address? Or anybody that could pass her gift on to her? You can’t really keep it or sell it if it’s personalised, so I would find a way to get them to her by post ( if you know part of her address, you could find out the other bits using google) and then just leave her to it.

If you manage to get the gift to her, I would leave a note accompanying it and just explain you understand she doesn’t want to meet, but since the gift is personalised, you wanted to get it to her, you understand that she may not want to continue the friendship from here so you will leave her be from now on.

She will come to you if she wants. My guess is that she’s really struggling mentally/ financially and has forgotten or cannot afford to reciprocate with a gift so feels guilty that you have bought her one which she feels obliged to return.

I think you need to give her space and let her be the first to get in contact next time.

Every 3 months ? Seriously ? I didn't even think that was possible even if you wanted to. You Shop online I suppose? Sorry, I'm not judging you at all I'm just curious as how it's even possible.

Of course it’s possible? Unusual, yes, but very possible. Why would you think otherwise?

Some people have physical health problems and disabilities which mean they can’t get out very often because of limited mobility or other logistical reasons, or some people have very debilitating mental health issues such as agoraphobia or severe depression that stops them leaving the house much.

It’s more unbelievable that you can’t think of any possible reasons someone might not leave the house often.

She sounds like she's going through a tough time and needs to be left alone, in which case it's not about you. Give her the space she needs.

I can think of many reasons not to leave the house. I was just wondering (without the negative judgment you see to imply) how it is logistically possible.

No. I wasn’t implying negative judgement, I was expressing surprise how you didn’t seem to know how it was possible. Many people with disabilities or health conditions which mean they aren’t able to leave the house very often have carers or family members that help out.

Many people work from home, and of course many with health problems can’t work at all or maintain friendships so they don’t have to worry so much about the logistics of staying home. I didn’t understand why you didn’t understand, that’s all.

I do wonder if the see you in the spring comment was a little dig (OP please correct me if you think this is incorrect because I’m just speculating here). You said you live a short distance from each other and that she seems to go out weekly and you roughly every 3 months. Even though you seem keen to give her the gifts she is basically saying she will see you now in roughly 3 months’ time. I think you should have a look online to see if there are any virtual hobby groups you could join with people in your area. They might lead to a face-to-face friendship with someone who values you and cherishes the kind things you do (like the gifts). 🌺