Anyone else hate going over their in-laws?

[YosemiteTrail]

I can’t help it, I just hate going over their house

I never stop my OH going over there and I never stop him taking the kids over but I can’t be bothered to go over.

Iv just told my husband to go on around for an hour and I will do some Xmas wrapping but he wants me to go and we can both do the wrapping together later. It’s so counter productive but he won’t go unless I go with him!

I don't like it, but it's because they have lots of pets ( that I'm allergic to) and I come home covered in animal hair from sitting on the sofa.
Do you have an actual reason?

Don’t go, stand your ground. Maybe harsh but my DH going no contact 3 years ago with his parents has been life changing. There was v v good reason to make that choice.

Why do you hate it? Pretty sad if you can't even be bothered for an hour.

If OP is happy for their children to go round then presumably there isn't anything serious going on.

Why won't he go without you??

Unless there's some kind of underhand nastiness going on it wouldn't kill you to make the effort. They are your dhs parents.
Do you have any issues visiting your parents? I bet you don't.

Yes, I agree so OP shouldn’t feel the need to go. Standing firm instead of people pleasing can be life changing, which is what I meant by referencing own pov.

I don't think there's any issue with you not going round - you're not stopping your OH! If he can't be bothered to go on his own, that's his problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really like my in-laws - don't always like going to their house (would prefer if they came to ours or we met in a public place) - but I never stop DH, he pops over regularly on his own for a cup of tea.

I do struggle a bit. They're a large outgoing family which is lovely and they are nice people, but they have a habit of all trying to talk to me at once when I'm there, and it can get overwhelming, I grew up in a much smaller/quieter family and am quite introverted, so am not really very well able to cope with people who 'bombard' you so to speak.

MIL can also be difficult as she has very set/prescriptive/old-fashioned ideas about how people (especially women) should live their lives, and isn't exactly reticent about telling people where she thinks they are going wrong. At least now I'm older all the 'when are you going to have a baby?' has stopped. (She does have grandchildren already, so it's not exactly like DH and I are depriving her, she just can't get her head around the idea that a woman might not want children.)

Depends why you aren't going, is there a real reason or you just can't be arsed?

Pretty sure his dad doesn’t like me (we have been together 15 years) and I think he’s rude to be honest. He wouldn’t dare say anything though.

His mum is ok but she asks constant questions and is just very nosey.

Just prefers that I go too.. think his dad winds him up a bit and he thinks they are a bit lazy too.

No I don’t as they are my parents. I also don’t make my husband go with me, I’m happy to go on my own but he likes to go over my parents with me as my parents are easy going.

Yeah I'm the same so I don't.

My in-laws are Daily Mail readers who hate immigrants (I'm a second generation immigrant) and we have literally nothing in common. We don't even have the same taste in gravy.

They love to sit around telling me random stories about people I've never met and the exciting things they've done recently, like shopping in Aldi instead of Lidl. I can't stand small talk and I like to be doing something active. Sitting around a cold cup of coffee for six hours is my idea of torture, especially when they make speculative comments about my dad's health and how he "probably has cancer" (he doesn't) at Christmas, and how they look down on his job (he runs a food business).

Ugh! My DH won’t go to his OWN family without me either. His family live 5 hrs drive away so we have to go for a few days at least. They are lovely people but extremely extroverted. They always feel they need to entertain us and take us out drinking etc. Play card/board games, 4 hr long walks with the dogs. They can’t sit still or chill. I am quite introverted and need my alone time. I very much like to join in for a couple of hours then I need to retreat to my own space for a few hours to chill, maybe read or listen to music. I can’t do it there, it feels rude. I get that when you become part of couple you become part of each others families so I do make the effort. I just don’t want to go every time. I’ve put my foot down a bit and refuse to go so he just doesn’t go either. We just don’t go as often. That’s his choice.

i feel for you OP, I don’t get why some people can’t go to their own family without their OH. Does he get on well with them? Does he like engaging or does he like to sit back and let you do the engaging. If they are local can you not insist that you will not go every time?. He needs to respect your boundaries.

I didn't particularly like visiting them, but I did it for OH. Now it's harder to visit as we have a little one and they have dogs that are small and bitey, so we don't visit. Last time we went it was stressful - the dog had to go in a crate, and then we'd be on tenterhooks in case our toddler were to go over there and stick his fingers through! But besides that, we would still go, together.

I never did. Every year was the same, including Monopoly. I hate board games. I despise Monopoly.

Then sadly FiL passed away, his wife moved to fuck-knows-where and I divorced H. The end.

I hate it, - they live an hour away, DH always wants to stay longer than i would prefer - after a couple of hours ive had enough

I only get two days a week off, i feel super pissed when i have to spend one of them sitting on someone elses sofa, not doing anything when ive got a million jobs at home

I've realised I prefer my Mils company to DH's..Quite sad for my marriage I suppose but my Mil is really lovely...

I hate it too, they are very boring people.
Whenever we go we are all sat in their living room in silence for probably 75% of the time we're there, after the initial pleasantries we've got nothing in common to talk about so we sit awkwardly watching whatever is on TV.

We've been over today and it was exactly the same, they barely talk to the kids or offer us a drink.
They remind me a bit of the Royle Family, all they do is watch TV and some random relative or neighbour will pop in.

We once went over on Christmas Eve and I swore never again, the kids were quite young and incredibly excited and by the time we left we were all on a downer, they suck the fun out of everything purely by being so thoroughly disinterested in life.

I used to LOVE visiting my late-MIL. God, I adored her so much. She was long divorced from FIL and had the most fabulous life.

Can't stand visiting FIL and step-MIL. Step MIL absolutely loathes me. She was FIL's affair partner and doesn't trust him, so is rabidly jealous of any younger women around the house and spends her whole time making snappy, passive aggressive comments.

I don’t love it - they’re nice people and we get on ok, but hugely different to my family and what I’m used to. I do do it though, but I also encourage DH to go and take DD (DD loves going!). It’s always either freezing or hotter than the sun, doesn’t seem to be a happy medium, they have plug in air fresheners in every outlet all competing with about 25 different yankee candles so I end up feeling sick and with a headache, and it’s oddly formal and stilted somehow which it isn’t like that when they’re here or we meet anywhere else.

I don’t actually mind when we go there to do something specific like ‘come for a meal we will eat at X time’ and the sense is very much they want us to clear off after, or I’ll go to help MIL with something or for example last week I went and wrapped the presents there and have left them hidden there as there’s literally nowhere in this tiny house that DD won’t find them! But just calling round for a visit is always awful and I don’t think it’s one way - I usually get the sense they don’t really want us there anyway, it’s like they only want us in short bursts and with something planned to be doing to keep us occupied.

Fair enough, just incredibly different to my family - I could walk into any one of my family’s house at any time really and feel like I was at home, same as they could for me - it’s how we’ve always been, and we don’t need to be formal or ‘entertain’ each other. I thought I’d get to that point with in laws but we never did, and I then noticed that DH isn’t even like that them - they love each other but there’s a distance.

I feel mean as they’re never anything but kind to me, and like I say I do make the effort, but no it’s not something I particularly enjoy. They’re coming for Christmas Day as usual and that will be lovely, it’s easier when I’m in my own home and I don’t feel like I’m imposing in their space!

They sound very unpleasant.

There's your answer OP. He wants you there to dilute the difficulties. So if you go, you're going to support him. But you don't have to. He needs to learn some coping strategies for himself, not relying on you to be his human shield.