For the women doing the lion share of Christmas - how do you enjoy it?

[Conat]

Divorced this year. Not that I had much help with putting together Christmas when I was married.

I have my parents coming over in addition to my three kids (6-10).

My mum will bake treats and make puddings. And my dad will keep an eye on the turkey and carve. He’ll also buy the drinks and make sure we are all topped up.

I just have so much work to do - cleaning, table, cooking, shopping etc. Dad bought over a tree and the house is decorated but I’m sat on myself trying to convince myself to get up. And I just am so overwhelmed.

My mum has offered to come over and help but I don’t want to have to tell where every little thing goes and can be found.

Kids have helped me with washing and putting away clothes, tidying their bedrooms and just general decluttering.

How are you enjoying Xmas if you have the majority of the work to do?

I am separated with 3 dcs and I love it, but we have a very lowkey Christmas when it's just us. Get the tree and decorations out on the 1st and all decorate together, do activities like Christmas fair, ornament-making, and carols in the lead-up, and then have a relaxed Christmas Day with stockings, presents, and an easy Christmas meal (chicken and roast vegetables) and dessert. I enjoy doing the Christmas shopping and get all the bits we need in the week coming up to the day. If it's really stressful either with or without your parents helping would you think about what in general is stressing you out and whether you can make it easier?

Do what I'm terrible at and remind yourself which bits you love, which you enjoy, which others enjoy the most, and which really you do just because it's Christmas

The thing is we are doing a relatively low key meal. Veg is frozen, sides are M and S. But even with all that it’s exhausting. And I have help! My parents have been great with supporting me. Dad is my official gift wrapper - he will come and pick up the stuff I have bought online and wraps.

It used to fall to me to create a perfect family Christmas for my children (two autistic, another with ARFID) and sometimes one or two of DD1's young adult friends, my DH who would be missing his own children dreadfully and was having to get used to a different way of "doing Christmas", my parents, and my XH with whom I didn't get on but invited because of the children. Mum and Dad wouldn't tolerate anything other than a full turkey dinner, DH and DD2 hated turkey (I'm not keen on it myself) and DD1 was vegan. I absolutely loved all the preparation. Working out the logistics, shopping, cooking, decorating, wrestling with a Nordmann that was always just a bit too big for the space intended for it, wrapping and hiding parcels, finding new "Santa's been" variations, all great fun. If Elf on the Shelf had been around then I'd have been all over it.

My sisters didn't have children and were therefore off the hook for festive hosting and visiting. To remove any risk, one of them would go abroad and the other would cite her husband's (genuine) mental health issues as a reason to avoid big family gatherings.

By the time we'd got past the main course at dinner I'd be saying, "I'm never doing this again." My mother would have goaded XH into squabbling with her just like she did when we were married and would be revving up to start winding up the vegan, my father would be wriggly because he hadn't been able to find time to go out on his own for a walk and now it was getting dark, XH would be wriggly because he wanted to go home but he didn't want to leave without a box of leftovers from dinner and he couldn't ask me for them in case my mother thought she'd had the last word in whatever they were arguing about, my children would be bickering with one another, and DH would be silently wishing he could go and sit in the garden shed with a book and I'd need to mop him up afterwards. But year after year, there I'd be, trying to get it right this time.

I almost miss those days.

I think you're building it up in your head too much, and I can see why - if this is your first Christmas post-divorce, you're putting pressure on yourself to make it completely picture perfect for the kids. Don't. The kids will be happy with some presents, Christmas chocolate, lounging about in their pyjamas for a bit, some crackers to pull at the table, a film and being able to stay up a bit later than normal. Throw in a game of charades and you've got yourself a great family Christmas.

I'd suggest trying to break it down into the things stressing you out, e.g.
Cleaning - is it really that bad? It's one day, and it's only your parents coming. Either accept your mum's help or just accept that there may be some clutter/washing around 🤷🏻‍♀️
Shopping - it's your normal weekly shop, plus some extra chocs/cake/wine. Yes, the shops are packed, but grit your teeth, you can do it. Have a Bailey's when you get home 😂
Table - get the kids to do it! Let them be creative.
Cooking - honestly, I'd your mum's doing puddings and your dad's doing the turkey, you've got the easy job. Buy ready made everything and use your microwave/air fryer etc as much as possible.

You can do it OP. It's going to be absolutely fine.

We're not hosting and haven't hosted for the past few years as I realise how much work this is

The vast majority of the gifts etc is left to me though

I do it all, but I do like it and if I didn't I wouldn't do it.

I'm pretty organised and I don't really vary anything so when I first started hosting Christmas I made a rough plan that I follow every year.

I like food shopping and present shopping and cooking so it's all good really.

I enjoy the creative side a lot and although it is hard work it's a great outlet for creativity.

I like the decorations, planning the gifts and menu etc

It would actually be annoying to have to share those tasks.

Sorry but I think you're being ridiculous. It's your DC and your parents coming over for a roast dinner...not a state banquet.

You can make it as easy or hard for yourself as you want

It's really hard, and often hard for people with lazy/detached partners and husbands who are present. Agree it's the pressure to make everything perfect. After my divorce I overdid the treaty food and presents in an attempt to fill the hole of their absent father that I felt keenly at Christmas and other significant times. It took years to slow down and accept it really doesn't matter if the house is not fully cleaned (recommend low lighting/candles 🤣) and there aren't particular foods made. Try to keep it simple, let things go and focus on the fact you're clearly a great Mum keeping a family together with some good helpers. Hope you can enjoy it.

Every year I have done less. It’s very freeing. This year: small fake tree kids have decorated, no cards, pizza for kids, steak and chips for adults (everyone’s fave meals). Shop-bought mince pies. Got everyone else to wrap presents and family secret Santa. Everyone much happier cos I’m less stressed. Work out what you like and don’t mind doing and just don’t do the rest.

Honestly, it sounds like you have a good plan and you are pretty much ready! Readier than I am at least. I am also feeling a bit anxious, but we need to remind ourselves that it is just another day and if anything is going to make us anxious, it probably isn't worth it. Your parents and kids don't need things to be perfect, they just want to have a nice time all together.

I used to do it all and host for ILs. Admittedly not divorced but DH didn't do any of it. The house was clean to start with, the shop was a double the usual, the presents got bought and wrapped somehow, the ILs did nothing whatsoever. Everyone's happiness was my responsibility. About 40 main meals were cooked and served over about five days.

Gently op, this isn't so much about Christmas as adjusting to yiur new circumstances. Are you getting any help for your well being to come to terms with it.

When I did it all, I sometimes resented it. However nowadays MIL and my mother are frail l, DH and I are apart at Christmas because our mother's live 340 miles apart and we can't let them spend it alone. They might not be with us next year. DS and DIl are overseas, Xmas Eve and Boxing night will be me and DD.

I'd have it all back in a heartbeat.

@Conat

I do it all and always have, I love Christmas and my family comes to me because I’m the most domesticated one!
BUT I recognise the feeling of Overwhelm from many times in my life when I’ve been stressed and anxious. Feeling that it is all too hard and all too much is a sign of how fragile one actually is feeling. Time to focus on quality sleep at night, eating healthily, drinking water, and walking each day in the fresh air.
I take l- theanine and cbd when I’m overwhelmed, and aim for rest, relaxation, and taking good care of myself.

It's tough OP, when you are the one making it special for everyone else, who is going to make it special for you? I've been divorced a few years and all the prep falls to me. My older kids will do the cooking on the day so that's when I will put my feet up and relax!
Take some time to think about what would make it fun for you, and if possible delegate so that happens.
Is there a particular film you want to watch, game to play, or just having some time to chill with a book. Make sure some time is built in for you to do that, maybe while the grandparents take the kids for a walk or do the washing up with them.
I need to take my own advice on this!

We moved house last week, that's not helping any I've found that no-one seems to give as much of a shit as I do, so if it's not perfect, it really doesn't matter.

I think most of the stress comes from you entertaining family on top of the usual Christmas stuff.

I have my kids here by myself - my family are either dead or too far away to host, and I divorced my shitebag of an ex a few years back. It's been the most relaxing few years of Christmas I can remember, even though I'm now in charge of everything.

We decorate the first weekend in December.
I've had the bird in the freezer for a few weeks now and went to get fresh veg and other stuff today. It will be a normal roast with a few extras and it's the spice combination and those few extras that makes it Christmassy.
Cleaning happens on the normal rota, no one extra to clean for, so no one notices if the skirting boards aren't extra shiny.
Gifts have been almost exclusively ordered online and been delivered a few weeks back; one evening I was motivated enough to wrap the lot, so it's been done for a few weeks.
I've never bothered with all the extra grotto and wonderland stuff, but I did get a new board game for us to do over the festive days.
The car will now remain where it is parked until we leave the house again after the 28th.

Christmas Day in itself is relaxed. Salmon and eggs for breakfast, the roast for late lunch/ early dinner. Some of the food will be prepared the day before anyway, so no stress there. We're exchanging gifts in the morning, watch a film with hot chocolates (with Baileys for me and the late teen), play a few board games, have dinner, play video games and/ or more board games. The kids enjoy their new books, so I have peace and quiet to make dinner while we're blasting rock/ metal versions of Christmas songs.

I haven't had a stressful Christmas in years, doing it this way. I might feel differently if I had other adults putting some expectations on me.

DS (now 12, started this post divorce when he was 9) does 75% of the decorating. He loves getting tinsel and baubles on the tree. I accept that it might look a little unbalanced and let him do it. He is always keen once I get out Christmas snacks and music. If he doesn’t feel like doing part of the decorating it probably doesn’t get done because if he isn’t inspired by it, it probably won’t get done and no one will care.

The tree was up in the living room with no decorations for 4 days before we had time and energy to finish the job. It was fine.

through the year every time i see a small thing I’d feel guilty about buying for myself I buy it and put it in my stocking box so I have a stocking full of treats too

since last year I have a cleaner. But before that I took the attitude that so long as the bathroom and kitchen were sanitary, once Christmas Day unwrapping was done very few people would be able to tell if I’d cleaned or not

we’ll have a lovely day. Much better than when XH was leaving me feeling sad and ignored.

I do most of it myself, I enjoy the prep.

But this didn't happen overnight and I have a well honed routine and lists and an over-all plan of what to do when.

Don't despair, this is going to be a difficult Christmas if it's your first one one your own. Just go with it and make a mental note of what you would do differently next time.

When I started hosting, I made a list of what needed to be done and worked backwards from Christmas Day.

My Christmas prep starts around the October half term with defrosting freezer and planning to have a fairly empty freezer at the start of December. Cards to be posted are bought, written and stamped towards the end of November, ready to go in post. I have a list that I work from, with bits of info added when necessary - change of surname or new baby's name etc.

So I am now watching the Grinch on Netflix, knowing that everything bar the actual dinner on the day is done. Presents wrapped, turkey in fridge etc. I also cook the turkey on Xmas eve to take a bit more pressure off Xmas day.

But to arrive in this zen state of organisation takes a bit of planning and a couple of years of trial and error. And a lot of wine.

I'm not hosting this year and it's such a relief

Yanbu OP and I totally get it

Honestly, op, it’s sounds as if you’re pretty organised so I wonder whether the stress relates more to it being your first Christmas post divorce and feeling that everything has to be perfect. It really doesn’t- it’s your parents and your kids and they all love you and are not expecting you to suddenly turn into Martha Stewart/Nigella/Mrs Mop. So maybe put your feet up and have an eggnog.

More generally, I do 95% of Christmas because I love it- never happier than when sticking a clove into an orange. But I only do the bits I like. Bits I don’t like (elf on the bloody shelf, expensive light shows, office parties, 8 different sorts of meat etc) don’t get done and nobody cares.

I do it all and I hate it and love it equally I think!
It's a lot of work but I love creating memories for the dc. They are older/adults now but one day soon they'll have their own families and I'll have to slot in with what they want to do with.
I have the in-laws over too. Dh doesn't actually want to invite them but I try to tell him it's the right thing to do (lots of reasons and I don't force it we just talk about it and he makes up his mind)

It's one day and I am used to cooking for a large family. Sometimes it annoys me dh thinks Christmas appears like magic but he's a good man and works hard for us all so I do like doing it for him too.

I do it all and enjoy it. DH and I choose the tree together and he helps me set it up in the little stand. I check what snacks bits he wants in the shopping and run through my menu plans with him in case I’ve forgotten anything. We decide together what outings we want to do and I book them. I love it.

It sounds like you have a lot of help from your parents and you are pretty well organised. Maybe it’s just settling into a new way of doing Christmas that is making you feel a bit off.

The house is normally orderly-ish but there’s just so much stuff everywhere. A pile of cardboard boxes in a corner, furniture in weird places to accommodate the tree, legos all over the place, so many things which we have been kindly gifted but just no place to put them so they’re just out. All my kitchen surfaces are covered. Trying to get through gym kits that were in the car since end of term. It feels like chaos

Kindly, none of that matters. I've had my bike next to the dining room table for over a year now because the garden shed needs a new door. The washing is currently out, next to the tree. There is nowhere else to put it; it will be dry by Christmas Day and gone. No one cares. My child's books are everywhere in the living room, I'm glad they read.

Unless your parents are judgey people, they won't, either. Doing it all by yourself day in day out is hard. Give yourself a break.