To be irked that DH says "the wife" but "my car"?

[GretaGip]

I'm really can't verbalise why I find this objectionable.

"The" denotes an object, "my" indicates relationship, I guess.

I just feel depersonalised I guess.

I know is such an minor issue, but hey little shiz can be pondered too.

Any one better at verbalising why it irks?

It’s not a minor issuey

Yes it’s not okay. Does he do anything else to make you feel disrespected?

I think you have verbalised it, in your second paragraph.

If he's doing it because he thinks it's funny and ironic, he should be happy to stop if you tell him it bothers you.

What happens when you refer to him as "the ball and chain"?

Does he think he is a stand up comedian from the1970s? Start referring to him as 'the husband' and see how you get on.

Or "my old man". Pick a dismissive name for him and start using it. Also, also refer to all your joint things as 'my car' 'my house'

If someone said "my old man" to me I'd assume they were talking about their father not their husband.
Same with "my old dear" would be your mother.

You could reverse it.

'My' implies ownership - bad.

'The' implies a degree of independence - good.

The implication is that he places more personal importance on the car than on his wife. ‘The’ wife sounds dismissive.

Plenty of people say “the children” or “the dog” rather than “my children” or “my dog” or use the two interchangeably so unless he’s deliberately doing it to wind you up when you’ve already told him you don’t like it then I’d assume it’s just a colloquialism like that rather than anything deeper.

Depends how often, to who and what he calls you in private.

I’m presuming he refers to you as the wife to others, and doesn’t use your name? If so to who and how often?

What does he call you when no one else is around by your name or other names babe honey gorgeous?

My partner's niece kept referring on her many Facebook posts to her (then new) husband as "The Hubster". I can't begin to tell you how irritating we found it.

My dad used to do this and I remember my usually very mild mannered mum telling my dad that she wasn’t a fucking possession and he should use her actual name or ‘my wife’ when he introduced her to people or referred to her in conversation. He never called her ‘the wife’ again.

It’s a very derogatory way of referring to your spouse.

I hated being referred to as 'the missus'

It wouldn't bother me particularly. He's saying that 'my' is possessive of an object, while 'the' is just more of a title? If you also own a car I could see why he might say 'my', to differentiate between the two. If you don't like it you could pull him up on it. I'm sure he's not doing it to be offensive.

How does he refer to the dishwasher or the fridge. This would decide it for me.

Does your husband live in 1972?

why do you put up with it? Call him out. Every time.

It’s laddish and derogatory. That school of pub bloke who specialises in sneery misogyny when there are no women within earshot. At least that’s how I’d interpret it.

It’s also distancing and somehow insinuates you’re beneath him - you’re not his wife, or someone with an actual name and a meaningful connection to him (unlike the car, by the sound of it), you’re just an object in his life, like the telly or the hoover.

I’d put up with this once. Maybe. If it was a joke.

I know someone who only ever refers to his child as ‘the kid’, or sometimes ‘my kid’ - not in an endearing way, either - and never by her name or as ‘my daughter’. There’s something about it that’s so disrespectful and dehumanising. It makes me think less of him and that he’s probably quite a shit and distant father - but then I think language and words matter, so I’m probably biased.

I'd call him the twat

I see it as the opposite to you OP. It's my car, I bought it, I own it, I paid for it.

DP on the other hand isn't mine. I don't own her, she doesn't belong to me, she's her own human being who has her own agency and could bugger off and leave me if she chose to. I do call her "my partner", because that's the convention, but if I actually sit and think about what that denotes it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable.

This is how I would think of it too.

DH and I refer to each other as “the husband” and “the wife” but it is with very clear and agreed irony. Being in our 50s, it’s rooted in remembering the late Terry Wogan referring to his wife as “the current Mrs Wogan”. Something that can only be done if there is not underlying misogyny present.

"The" denotes an object, "my" indicates relationship, I guess.

I feel the opposite, we refer to The Prime Minister. The High Court Justice. The Queen. So “The wife” doesn’t mean an object to me, but rather a status that only one person can have.

My denotes ownership imho and whether it is objectifying like “my car” “my shoes” or a term of endearment “my wife”, “my kids” depends on the context and tone.

I don’t think either would irk me on the surface. I think it all comes down to the context and tone he uses.

If he uses “The wife wouldn’t let me..” or “God, the wife won’t like that..” when he is being denigrating about you then yes, that would irk me. The same way a man would use “My wife” so say “As my wife you disrespect me by talking with a male friend.” Or “No wife of mine is going take a pole dancing class!” To express ownership and control.

So it’s not what he says, but likely how he is using it that irks you. Which is why you may have trouble verbalising why it irks you.

Agree 100% with SugarandSpices post. It will be the context and tone rather than the actual words that are bugging you.

Is The wife said in a dismissive tone? Is my car said with pride?