Should I see my mum over Christmas

[feelingguilt]

My mum is 80. She has always been a difficult character - my older brother is the golden child whereas she speaks to me in a derogatory way and shows no interest in my life. I used to live nearer her and hosted her for Christmas every year, but she just used to come for the day and it was manageable. However I have now moved further away and so she asks to come for 2-3 nights. She can't manage stairs very well and can't drive for longer than an hour so there would be significant logistical problems in getting her here and accommodating her. The last time she came to us for Christmas she was criticising how I had been as a teenager calling me a monster and referred to my dad (who passed away a long time ago and who I was close to) as my brother's dad when talking to my partner about him (for context my brother wasn't there and wasn't the topic of conversation). She also upset other people in the household and immediately after finishing Christmas lunch said that she didn't know why people ate turkey on Xmas day as it was so dry and she would prefer a spaghetti bolognaise (I cooked the turkey, largely for her as she is one of the few meat eaters in the household). Earlier this year at a family dinner she laid in to my son, criticising his life choices such as job and living accommodation. It was eye opening to see her behave towards him how she usually behaves towards me. The whole table went silent with discomfort. My son was really upset by it.

Last year I told my mum that we were having a small Christmas and not really hosting (although we did invite adult children). We had a really nice time and I am looking forward to the same this year. My mum hasn't mentioned Xmas to me at all but I have found out from my brother that he can't have her as they will be away over the whole of Xmas week and that my mum had mentioned to him that she would be on her own on Xmas day.

I really can't face inviting her here but thought maybe I could pop over and see her another day after Christmas. But no one would want to come with me so I would be on my own and I just can't face that. It's like my body is saying 'no'. However I feel sorry for her and guilty. I don't know what I am looking for from this thread as I am dreading everyone saying I should make the effort. It's very hard though when she is leaving it all down to me. Should I just accept that she hasn't mentioned it or invited me and leave it at that? Or should I make the effort to get in touch and go and see her?

She doesn’t sound backwards in coming forward. If she hasn’t said anything I wouldn’t worry based on her previous behaviour.

Your don't owe adults your company if they make you feel like shit. It doesn't matter if she's 80. It doesn't matter if she's your mum. It isn't your fault she's on her own for Christmas if that's how she behaves I'm not surprised. It sounds like you've got a perfectly lovely day planned out and if you're putting all that effort in to make a nice festive celebration for your family I don't see why you'd invite someone that would ruin the atmosphere and make everyone sad and uncomfortable. If you feel really bad you can pop and see her over the Christmas period if you can face it.

'But no one would want to come with me so I would be on my own and I just can't face that. It's like my body is saying 'no'

Listen to your body. Don't fight yourself on this. You know how damaging your mother's behaviour is to you. Protect yourself and your own sanity by staying away. It might help to think what advice you would give to a friend who was in your situation - would you guilt trip them about how important family is, or would you feel concerned for them and advise them to protect themselves?

You don't owe her anything. Have a nice Christmas without her x

If you and your family had a lovely Christmas last year, without your mother, you should do the very same this year, guilt-free, as your mother sounds very ungrateful and downright horrendous to be honest. She doesn’t seem particularly bothered about spending Christmas on her own as she hasn’t made any effort at making any plans for it ( by which I mean discussing it with you) and your brother doesn’t seem to be particularly concerned about it either, which gives you complete licence to have the peaceful and enjoyable Christmas you are looking forward to. As for whether you visit her after Christmas, don’t feel under pressure to do so, and if you do decide to visit, make it a very short one, and at the first insult or criticism out of her mouth, make your excuses and leave pronto.

Edited to add: Any grandparent that would criticise a grandchild is certainly not deserving of family invites to that family’s Christmas. You don’t want your child to have to suffer the same feelings you do. Put yourself and your son before that woman.

You wouldn’t put up with this bullying behaviour from someone who was not a family member .
Please don’t feel obliged or guilty in this situation.(easier said than done , I know )
Take care of yourself and your family and have z great time .

One lunch of spaghetti bolognaise watching telly never killed anyone.

Let her get on with it. Call her to say happy Xmas, get her GDC on to say same, before lunch - duty done.

By the way, your body’s talking sense. Listen to it.

I would enjoy my Christmas with my family. If you feel up to it visit after Christmas if not don’t.

Although if she is anything like my mum be prepared if you phoned to say I will visit you on X day it wouldn’t be right she would try and manipulate you to come on Y day she would try and make the visit as inconvenient for you as possible, you may get told not to bother if you can’t come on Y day and you would probably end up feeling guilt tripped and like she was doing you a favour by agreeing to letting you visit her at all.

That is a very good point that I hadn't considered, thank you!

@Lottapianos that's a good point - I was imagining how I would reply on someone else's thread and I would certainly advise them to protect themselves.

@Procrastination4 yes it was seeing her do it to my son that was like a final straw.

That made me laugh, thank you!

Wrong thread.

Only visit if you want to. Don’t do it expecting her to be pleased, happy or grateful to see you. You will be portrayed as the uncaring villain whatever you do or don’t do whilst your brother is the hero having a well deserved break away.

Similar situation here, free yourself from toxic people, guard your mental and emotional health. Do not do guilt.

@Chocolatey1234 so true! At least if I am not there with her I won't have to listen to it!

Ah sorry to hear that, hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

From what you have said l wouldn’t. She sounds rude and unpleasant

That's convenient that your brother is going away. Surely he could have invited her?

Honestly she sounds really unkind & I think you need to just leave her to it.

No-one wants to come with you because she is a truly dreadful person. She chooses to behave like she does to you and your family and you can choose not to see her.

Please don't ruin Christmas for yourself by thinking that it is your duty/responsibility to see her on Christmas Day so she won't be alone. Your responsibility is to your own family. She has brought this on herself.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas Day.

She sounds unpleasant. You reap what you sow!

Do not host her. Do not feel guilty. She has brought this on herself.

Have a happy Christmas.

Thank you everyone, I am feeling a sense of relief and lightness. I am not going to raise it with her or arrange a visit, and I am going to enjoy Christmas. Happy Christmas to everyone and thank you for your kind words. It has been helpful to see it from different angles.

'Thank you everyone, I am feeling a sense of relief and lightness'

Good for you. Have a good think about how you might want to change your relationship with her from now on

Have a lovely Christmas,😊 @feelingguilt