Visiting parents once a year

[Thelovelyson]

My brother will be visiting my parents later today. It's the only time he will visit them all year. He, his wife and children will come for 45 minutes and then leave. They live a 60 minute drive away, so it's no hardship travelling to visit our parents.

We are an Asian / Indian family and traditionally, it's the son who would take care of my parents, and not the daughter. However, in our house it's reversed.

Our mum isn't too well, and hasn't had the best year, yet he couldn't be bothered to visit.

After years of trying, I've given up trying to keep a relationship with him. Normally we would go to my parent's house when they visit but I've decided not to do that any more.

Even my father was wondering why he is bothering to visit because he, unlike mum, knows my brother doesn't give a shit.

There has been no great fall out or argument. He has always treated our parents with contempt, and now he is doing well financially, he has become even more indifferent towards them.

Anyone else thing visiting parents once a year is abit of a piss take?

Not necessarily. There could be lots of valid reasons for it. Have you ever asked him?

Yes, but it is what it is. I haven’t seen my brother in over a year. He lives about an hour away from me. I gave up trying to see him. He is lovely, his wife is too, but they only see her side.

He says he is just too busy.

I suspect he is embrassed by them. He was pleasant enough when he needed a deposit for his first house. After that... too busy.

Same here. He seems to have lots of time for her side of the family. It's annoying. I feel for my mother because she suffers from the delusion he cares, thankfully my father at least knows whats what.

Why do you think he's embarrassed by them?

It’s probably best to let her think he cares.

Ok and when you say that you’re also busy, what does he say?

what is he embarrassed about?

He's just after the money. Ask him about his love for his mother. Hmmm you know what he's at. I hope DM and DF do too.

I would try to focus on myself, it's his life and his choices. My brother is similar but it's non of my business is how I look at it, otherwise I would consume myself with anger. Also it would cause a rift in family where your parents would get hurt more knowing their children don't talk to each other.

Well he probably won't be too busy to collect his inheritance though will he? Men like this always make time to collect a payout while the women do the hard work of caring for elderly parents.

If he were my son, I'd leave him £10k in my will and bequeath the rest to my dd. It will cost him more to contest the £10k and I'd ensure that my will stated why my dd was receiving more. This is due to the additional caring responsibilities she took on & she was being compensated for that.

I hope your dad has made the necessary arrangements when it come to his will. Your brother can choose not to visit and your dad can choose not to leave him a penny as he's already received a house deposit.

@Thelovelyson of course, if you are in scotland and parents only leave him 10k or even just 10 pounds then he cannot dispute the will!

My brother is the same.
My bil is the same with mil.

Some men once they grow up couldn’t care less op. It’s not spite or unkindness. They just focus entirely on their own family and they have no room for anything else.

You also don’t know how your brother experienced his childhood. Maybe it was different to yours, and he has been left with scars or unresolved conflict.

you have my sympathy. My brother is the same. My mum thinks he’s wonderful 🤷🏼‍♀️

Both my brothers have turned out like this and as they were both favoured (the younger one and baby of the family the most) it mystifies me. One brother and family moved abroad a few yers ago, and DM is lucky to receive a text a few times a year, normally birthday, mothers day etc. Other DB lives similar distance from DM as us but hasn't visited in over a year and made no plans to visit at xmas. Growing up I had the more turbulent relationship with both DPs and was the first to leave home and yet I'm the one that's been there over their older years and now even more so since DF died.

Hugs

It sucks, as my kids would say.

I’m half Indian. Was raised closer to my Indian side so understand the dynamics.

I would call him out. He can’t just pick and choose how and when to visit your parents. Just tell him he’s not welcome. And mention the stress your parents’ care puts you under. A letter maybe?

My mum lives in the annexe above my garage but my brother covers the costs of her part time carer and a cleaner. He’ll come over and cook, take my mum on holiday, go on days out etc. I appreciate that he recognises that I need support. I probably still do more physical and mental work but the recognition is the important bit.

The OP doesn’t get to tell her brother he’s ’not welcome’ at her parents’ house, though. That’s up to her parents to decide.

I’m from an Asian family where families are supposed to be ‘close’. I feel completely indifferent to my parents and brother. I haven’t seen my brother and his family for years. I haven’t seen my parents for over a year and only speak on the phone to them every 2 months because I feel duty bound. I’ve asked them to come for Christmas and they probably won’t which is fine by me.

They hardly spoke to me growing up and never asked me if I was OK. My dad says I never gave them any difficulty or had any problems. I did have problems but I never told them anything because I quickly learnt that they wouldn’t help. I think it started when I was 8 and was being bullied at school. I was so unhappy and they knew because my friend’s mother told them about it. They just told me to ignore them and that was it.

I never felt truly cared for or understood. I can’t remember any fun times or general warmth.

They think they did a good job and are baffled why I don’t call and visit more. I feel like we are strangers and hardly know each other.

Maybe it’s something similar for your brother.

I would still say it.

I would tell him coming around just once a year makes it harder than if he went full no contact which he basically is anyway