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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being gaslit?

16 replies

Rachels0905 · 21/12/2024 21:43

Hi ladies, would appreciate your take on this.

Last summer, I broke my ankle. My partner managed ok with this the first two weeks then started complaining bitterly about all the things she had to do for me, including driving me to work. This culminated in her saying that I should be ashamed that I'm not better at using crutches and if I was her, she would feel bad at being so dependent on people. Then, after having two operations, I managed to get back to work and had a huge project on. At the same time her father and grandfather died in the same week, unexpectedly. She threw a fit when I came back from my work project, told me I had to decide between my career and being her wife, demanded I stay awake during a birthday party she had organised for me which I hadn't asked for, given the circumstances, and threatened twice to divorce me for being late.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells right now, feel very disturbed and also slightly like I'm losing my mind. We have a four year old daughter and the main priority in my mind is to keep her safe.

Any thoughts? I can't think clearly at all right now.

TIA

OP posts:

redskydarknight · 21/12/2024 21:47

Can't see any gaslighting in there?

It sounds like you've both had a tough few months. Your partner is grieving. If this isn't normal behaviour for her I'd maybe try to have a conversation with her when you are both calm and explain that you want to support her but are finding her behaviour difficult.

username299 · 21/12/2024 21:54

It's difficult to work out what's really going on. She's not gaslighting you. Gaslighting is where someone tries to make you think you're going mad.

It's understandable that someone would be tetchy and unreasonable when they're grieving. She's obviously going through a lot.

It sounds like she needs you to be more supportive and more reliable.

If your daughter is unsafe then obviously do what you have to do to keep her safe.

WigglyVonWaggly · 21/12/2024 22:01

I want to define gaslighting because I keep seeing people use this term to describe arguing / lying. No, you aren’t being gaslighted. Your partner is just being rather demanding and thoughtless.

Gaslighting means your partner would be denying that certain things are occurring, causing you to question your sense of reality. For example, locking you out of your phone and telling you that you changed your own pin. Telling you that you said things which you didn’t. In your situation, perhaps insisting that you asked for the party and had a conversation about it.

‘The term "gaslighting" was coined from the 1938 British play called Gas Light, in which a husband manipulates a wife into thinking she is crazy by slyly changing the intensity of the gas lights in their home when she is left alone. He does this in an attempt to make her believe she cannot trust herself or her memory.’

Original poster

Rachels0905 · 21/12/2024 22:04

Well she will say she hasn't said or done things when she has and denies saying things that she has said...

OP posts:

jjblack · 21/12/2024 22:09

From the examples you've given, she's not gaslighting you, but this isn't normal behaviour and you don't deserve to be treated this way. Yes grieving can make people do crazy things, but it sounds like it's been going on for longer than that from what you have said. It sounds like she is being incredibly manipulative and using threats of divorce for being late to a party is absolutely outrageous imo

redskydarknight · 21/12/2024 22:15

Rachels0905 · 21/12/2024 22:04

Well she will say she hasn't said or done things when she has and denies saying things that she has said...

OK, but you don't mention any of that in your OP. If you want us to tell you whether you are being gaslit, you need to include examples of this behaviour.

Just saying you haven't done something when you have still doesn't mean you are gaslighting. You could just be mistaken, or you could be deliberately lying.

Example - I tell my DH that I didn't move his glasses case. Actually I did, but it was in a whole pile of things that I moved and I didn't see it there. This is not gaslighting.

Example 2 - DS tells me he has done his homework. I've watching him gaming all evening. I know he hasn't. This isn't gaslighting either.

Original poster

Rachels0905 · 21/12/2024 22:19

Sorry guys, my brain is a bit fried so I'm having difficulty articulating this clearly. She'll shout at me or my daughter and then immediately deny having done so, or take her by the head/arm firmly and then say she didn't do it, or will demonstrate what she "did do" (very gently and totally not how it was)

OP posts:

redskydarknight · 21/12/2024 22:28

Don't get hung up on whether it's gaslighting or not. Unpleasant behaviour is unpleasant behaviour.

If you are concerned that your partner is shouting at your daughter and being too rough, you are right to want to keep her safe.

As a PP said, the key definer of gaslighting is a deliberate attempt to make you question your reality. Your examples don't really evidence that.

Garlicwest · 21/12/2024 22:35

OK, your last update does show attempts at gaslighting.

Anyone would have difficulty dealing with two bereavements like that, but the behaviour you've described following your ankle injury is pretty bad - selfish and uncaring. If we gloss over the post-bereavement behaviours and skip to where she's trying to make her daughter believe she didn't experience what just happened, we are looking at an abusive relationship.

It's an awful thing to do to a child: how can she trust anyone, even herself, if her mum denies her realities like this?

Hope your project was a success.

ChristmasinBrighton · 21/12/2024 22:37

If your child is at risk, you should leave with them.

Ponoka7 · 21/12/2024 22:41

@Rachels0905 have you posted a lot about your wife? If not that poster describes similar and is also told perhaps it's time for a make or break talk.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 21/12/2024 22:52

In all honesty OP, she doesn't sound like a nice person normally. Add to this two bereavements, and she seems to be losing the plot somewhat. I think you need to sit her down calmly, tell her that while you understand how upset she must be at such a major bereavement, she cannot continue to take out her unhappiness on you and your daughter, and if she continues to do this, you will quite happily take her up on her suggestion of divorce. Please don't stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of it, life is just too short.

ManhattanPopcorn · 21/12/2024 22:59

Why were you falling asleep at your birthday party?

Onlycoffee · 21/12/2024 23:17

or take her by the head/arm firmly and then say she didn't do it, or will demonstrate what she "did do" (very gently and totally not how it was)
Take her by the head?.op I can't imagine how this looks anything other than physical abuse.
You don't need a reason to leave someone. You do need to feel safe and that your dc is safe.

JustTalkToThem · 21/12/2024 23:19

She sounds unpleasanr, but you don’t understand what gas lighting is.

Waterboatlass · 22/12/2024 07:26

Gaslighting is about the intent to make you question your sanity not just lying and minimising to get away with bad behaviour. Not to say that's acceptable and it can feel similar.

As a PP says, I wouldn't get hung up on labels for said bad behaviour as it's Hard to say from a distance which this is as I suppose one can become a version of the other if someone's priority is to be "right' rather than fair and a good partner.

I think we can all agree what you've listed isn't isn't ok though. Your partner is bereaved, that's really shit and bound to affect her but it doesn't make it alright for her to keep taking it out on you and your child. That in itself needs addressing. She sounds quite controlling for one thing, the physical element needs to stop. I think you can be quite confident in asking her to amend her behaviour without worrying about what it's called exactly. Don't let her get you into knots, just stick calmly to the fact that her behaviour isn't acceptable to you. She doesn't decide.

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