How do I handle this?

[Thisagainreally]

Currently going through an awful divorce and had huge issues with stbxh, to the point I had to call the police due to threats and harassment. This eventually led to a court order stopping him coming to the house and contacting me about anything other than the kids/financials.

Over the last few months I’ve had to deal with him contacting friends and MY family telling them how awful I am and that they shouldn’t believe the lies I’m telling.

For context, I left him because amongst a whole load of other reasons, he’s a drunk. I tried to get him to get help and in the end I had enough. I’ve had to deal with what I believe to be fake ‘suicide attempts’ and a whole list of lies being spread to anyone who will listen. Most people only know that we have separated due to the posts he’s put all over Facebook calling me all sorts. It’s made me so ill but I’m finally at the point of not caring what people believe anymore and trying to get on with my life.

My issue is that he keeps trying to ramp up the contact between us. I will answer when I have to, ie about the kids but he will continually ask repeated questions and when I don’t respond because I don’t need to, he’ll send more and more, throwing in random questions about the kids because he knows l’ll have to answer.

Now he’s saying that he needs closure, out of the blue because he’s sent my over 20 messages in the last 3 days and I’ve only replied to the ones I have to. He knows exactly why we split up (over a year ago now!) and goes from civil to belligerent from one day to the next. I know when he’s drinking, because the messages get worse. He sends fake messages like he’s talking to someone else but about me and it’ll be derogatory. Screenshots where people have said awful things about me based on what he’s told them about me. I don’t respond to any of those. I’m really
at the end of my tether.

We’re waiting for the house sale to go through and the financial agreement and I don’t know what else I can do. I feel harassed and at times stalked. I can’t afford to go back to court even though he continues to breach the terms.

i struggle to know how to communicate with him because if I’m civil, he thinks there’s a chance we’ll get back together and if I ignore him or give short direct answers he gets mad. For context I have met someone else now and it hasn’t gone down well. He says he’s happy for me but in the next breath he’s calling me all sorts via fake messages.

I just feel like I’ll never be rid of him. Any advice on a better way to handle things?

Won’t the police tell him to stop harassing you?

Apparently they don’t do that anymore, or so they told me! They’ve logged my complaint and there’s a marker on the house in case he turns up but they’ve been no help since. I’ve reported further issues with no response. The court order was done by my solicitor in the end.

Ignore him as much as you can. Talk about the kids and that’s it.

My exH went into crisis when we divorced and threatened to kill himself it lasted a while … the anger etc will pass but you need to give it no attention.

If he posts about you on FB so what… I had to have some counselling and the best thing she said was “manipulative storytellers can make people believe anything” … that’s what he’s doing… your close family and friends will support you.

At the end of the day presumably if he has more relationships he’s always going to have a story about his “crazy exes” … how long do you think people buy that stuff until they realise there must be more to it?

if you feel like you owe him more closure (you don’t) send him one more message briefly outlining the reason for the split and then make it clear you only want contact about the kids.

He can only get in your headspace if you let him … ignore, ignore, ignore

Wow. Wasn’t there some push to hold DV perpetrators to account a while back? Good to see those issues which affect women the most are still so high on the police’s priority list 😣🙄

In that case I suppose you could tell him to go through an intermediary- a friend or family member- if he has anything he needs to say to you. And then block him, change your number as well if that’s an option for you.

Set up a separate email address and inform him all contact about kids/ money will need to be sent there in future and you will review it and respond once per week on X day or the week. Then block him from all other methods of contact and advise family to do the same.

Thank you. I do ignore as much as possible but he has my stomach turning if I see there’s a message from him (I’ve got him muted)

I don’t think I can give him any more closure, I’ve been really clear several times and he’ll act like he accepts it then starts again.

I have removed and blocked him on Facebook now. I just hate that I’m being painted as this terrible wife who’s abandoned him in his hour of need. I don’t want to respond as I don’t want my business all over social media. My close friends and family know the truth despite him trying his best to turn them against me.

And you’re right, I’m wife number two and apparently she was a terrible person too…

I hate this sick feeling I get every time I hear from him. If it was just me I wouldn’t have anything to do with him ever again but the kids want to see him, so I have to do the right thing for them.

You will then also have a full paper trail of any continued harassment and inappropriate emails saved in the email account should you need to show them to a court.

When you check the email weekly just scan it for any questions about the kids and send one brief email responding, and ignore anything else.

You aren’t a terrible wife who abandoned him … he has responsibility for himself it’s not down to you to rescue or save him. If any dumbasses want to believe his BS then let them.

Good that you’ve deleted and blocked.

And good choice on the no more closure… look after yourself now you aren’t responsible for him.

Take the power back here, communicate only when you want to… not when he tries to dictate it.

xx

I would just completely disengage. You can't give him anything back beyond very bland basics only about the children. He's looking for a reaction-any reaction. You need to bore him into giving up (hopefully). Quick scan for kids names in messages and then close without reading. Block all forms of contact bar one (email may be best).

Keep going back to the police. See if he can be dealt with as a stalker rather than as a domestic issue now you are separated and not living together.

How old are the children?