Feeling strange in social situations without baby?

[Mistletoemulledwine]

Posting for traffic, but wondered if anyone else has felt like this after having a baby or if I’m just going slightly crazy.

I am a first time Mum to nearly 10 month old DC. I haven’t had that many evenings out without them but I have had a few, and although I do enjoy the ‘freedom’, I just don’t feel quite right the whole time I’m out.

I don’t mean that I just miss DC (which I do!) or that I’m anxious they’re ok (which I am a bit). I feel quite strange/lonely, even if I’m with family or friends I know well. It’s mostly when I’m with people who either have much older children or don’t have children. It’s as if I feel like I’m the only one worried about a small DC and everyone else must be so relaxed, will get a good night’s sleep etc.

The other night I was at a Christmas drinks evening with some friends. A couple have older children and a few have no children yet. I was sat there as it got to about 10pm and just couldn’t relax, I felt tired and just kept worrying about how little sleep I’d probably get when I got home and DC would likely wake in the night. I was looking at them thinking, our lives are so different. It was almost like an out of body experience, I was enjoying myself on the surface but just felt strange.

It’s almost as if these times when I should be jumping for joy to have a child free evening, I just feel slightly anxious and strange and only feel ok again once I am back with DC, or at least at home and watching them sleeping peacefully on the monitor.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? It’s so hard to explain the feeling, a kind of loneliness/homesickness when I am away from DC when I should be enjoying my freedom. I don’t feel like this with Mums of similar age babies, maybe because we are sharing experiences.

Just concerned I will never be able to relax away from DC and that my social battery is depleted! I used to love going out!

I remember this. It goes.

Really? I am so glad someone else knows what I’m talking about too! How long…out of interest??

It will go as baby gets older and more independent.

This is reassuring! It just feels so unnatural to be away from them, when I should be enjoying myself. I thought I’d feel differently by now.

Personally it got better for me once they slept through the night. Knowing I had to go home and be 'on shift' (breastfeeding for night wake ups) meant it wasn't as relaxing. I often didn't bother going out at all, preferring to get an early night. Mine slept through from round their 1st birthday and then I could relax more knowing DH could get up with them in the morning.

Honestly, I’m not sure. After DD1 I had PTSD and then with DD2 we went into lockdown when she was 9 months old. Youngest is 5 and as much as I love her, I also love socialising without her.

I think this is also the thing, often DC will sleep 8-9 hour stretches but if I’m out late I just feel like I’m missing valuable sleep in that time!

Yep totally normal in my experience. It’s wonderful you have such a lovely bond with your little one.

It does reduce proportionately as baby gets more independent. Also the older baby gets the more likely others in your social circle experience parenthood and you feel less alone.

I now have a 10 and 14 yo. I might still briefly think of them on a night out but I know they’re safe happy and good kids with good heads on their shoulders and will likely be enjoying a break from mum and dad too 😂

it’s wonderful for you and your long term mental health to retain friendships outside your relationship with your baby. It does feel weird but please keep on - even if they are not this friend group. Friends and social connection are so important.

I feel like this too, and my youngest is 3.5 years 😳

I always feel like this, like I won't have more than a few drinks because I don't want to go all out. I want to be home early, and feeling good the next morning 😂 I didn't "let my hair down" after having DD and currently pregnant again so it'll be another while yet for me.

I don't think of that part of my life as being over though. It's just not my time to indulge in it right now. It'll come back!

I get what you mean by "loneliness" feeling but I sometimes think that feeling is actually a change in my identity/personality since having kids... I feel like a slightly different person since I had my kids and sometimes when I'm around people who knew me before I had kids I feel slightly lonely but it's almost like I miss my old self if that makes any sense!

I understand this ...I also used to sway, like you do when you're holding a baby, even though it was just me standing there!

I completely know what you mean. My eldest is 5 and I still feel like that.

Completely normal. It’s feeling like you’ve gone out without one of your limbs / something’s missing. I had this with all mine and most powerfully with the one who’d been very poorly at birth.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. I hadn’t been in this sort of setting with that group since before I had DC and I suppose I realised how different my life is now, and now different I am, and how pretty much their lives are the same.

This is so normal - especially for first time parents. I always joked ‘where do I put my hands?!’ when I didn’t have my baby. Now with baby number 3 (9 months old) I still feel that feeling but know it for what it is - adjusting to your new identity and also being out of routine feels weird. Just enjoy the time off - this will happen more easily with time. Or you’ll become one of those mums who loses themselves entirely! Remember you’re their mummy but if you do a good job they will confidently venture out in to the world to do their own thing.

And the time will come when you’ll be glad to get away - teenage years 😁

I totally get this. I really struggled when my youngest started school. For 9 years I'd had a child with me on my days off from work, attending baby and toddler groups etc. I felt lost and like I didn't know what my identity was anymore other than being a mum. It passed after a few months and now I love time to myself, but it was really hard for a while.

I find myself doing that too!!

You’re right and I am making sure to keep taking time to myself, I know it’ll get easier. I’m back at work in a couple of months and already anxious about that but I expect it’ll feel easier to socialise more when I’m back into that part of my life.

I recall our first holiday without our two, they were in their teens by then, and it seemed to odd at first. Queuing to check in at the airport we heard a family behind us telling their teenaged children to stop squabbling, we looked at each other, smiled and it didn't feel odd after that!

Totally get this! Youngest is 3 and I probably felt that way until the eldest was 10 so it does pass… eventually (and then you miss it and have another 😂)

When mine were tiny and I'd go out without them I used to feel like I was missing a limb. It definitely fades. I still miss them when I'm away from them though.

I have a 4 month old and I feel this way too <3 you are not alone.

If you think about it in terms of evolution and survival instincts, strictly speaking it’s not natural to be away from your little one until they’re able to be more independent. Your brain and hormones have evolved to make you want to stay with your child.

that’s not to say you shouldn’t spend some time away, because we aren’t living in caves anymore ;) but just know that it’s completely normal and instinctive to feel this way.

personally I’m struggling with the fact that lots of people have offered to babysit my little one over Christmas. They are well meaning and keep telling me I ‘should be able to take a break’, but honestly it makes me feel pressured when I just want to stay with my baby. I ended up politely explaining this which took the pressure off and has helped me to feel more relaxed.

also, when I’m around people who haven’t had kids I feel a bit isolated because they can’t relate to the intensity of it. It’s a hard feeling to describe!

it’s great to hear from other mums that these feelings fade over time though xx

You’ve explained this really well Op.

I remember when dd was a few days old and we went to Tescos. Dh had dd in the pram and I went to the next aisle to grab something and smiled slightly at the woman next to me who was grabbing the same thing. It suddenly occurred to me that she didn’t know I had a baby. Blew my mind! And I went scuttling back to my baby that I had been apart from for many seconds.

Another fun one is when you have a toddler and a train or a police car goes past so you say “yay - a train - choo choo!” Or “yay - a police car - nee nah nee nah”. And then realise that you are alone (amusing) or with your (very staid - I work in finance in a “serious” job) boss (less amusing).