I’m new here because i’m fighting a moral battle with myself and struggle to see things clearly sometimes, I need opinions.
This is so long, I’m sorry I tend to waffle but I so need to vent. I tried to add every detail i think matters. Thank you if you read this <3
context: my (22) boyfriend (27) of 4 years has many friends, i get on fine with them all and always have, however, I’ve also always just had a bad feeling about his two closest friends (both 27), they’ve been friends for about 10 years i guess. They’re just everything I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to be, they do drugs at every convenience, and only ask my boyfriend to meet up if there’s alcohol or other substances involved. My boyfriend doesn’t take drugs, he experimented when he was younger, but nothing now.
I’ve witnessed one of these two friends disrespect his girlfriend behind her back many times, from allowing other girls to grind on him while we’re out, to directly telling me to hold his phone and let him know when girl who isn’t his girlfriend, but who i know to be … promiscuous texts him back. I don’t know his girlfriend well, but I know she’s difficult and i think i would take the heat if i told her, and also i always thought that would cause issues between me and my boyfriend so i kept it to myself.
So, my point: Last NYE my boyfriend and I went out for drinks with those two friends i mentioned, with a few other people too. I really didn’t want to go, I generally don’t enjoy spending time with them, but I felt bad for my boyfriend, we would just be sitting in the house otherwise.
The night was awkward, the other best friend (not the suspected cheat), was sat beside me in the pub, winding me up all night and basically being a pain in the ass. As we were leaving, he and my boyfriend were behind me. He smacked my ass. I don’t remember what my boyfriend said at the time but i was horrified, and definitely in shock when i look back. When we got outside, he was playing the sympathy card, saying he “had no idea” why he did it, head in hands. I can’t remember if he apologised or not, but I felt very much inclined to reassure him that I didn’t care that much, that I was just shocked. I was already dreading the night, and I didn’t want to ruin NYE for me and boyfriend. My boyfriend and I laughed it off a bit afterwards, and my boyfriend something like “yeah it’s fine right, he’s like the gay friend” (he’s not gay, at least not openly). Maybe this was his way of reassuring himself that it meant nothing, but it didn’t make me feel better. One of the other guys that I do get on with asked me if i was okay, and told me that it was out of order for him to have done that. he’s the only person that seemed to get it.
(I’m mid autism diagnosis, one of my biggest traits is that I cannot stand physical touch outwith my very closest loved ones. I don’t know to what extent my boyfriend knows this, though he does know that i am very awkward with physical interactions.)
Later that night, said friend proceeded to complain about his relationship, and being a softy i asked what was wrong. This lead me to nearly two hours of having this friend cry on my shoulder about his ex, and me HELPING him compose texts to his GIRLFRIEND because they had an argument, all while my boyfriend and his friends were in a different room. (I don’t know his new girlfriend at all, I feel fking terrible that she doesn’t know, but i have no way of talking to her IRL and i cannot bring myself to send something like that over fb message.) The night went by without so much as a thank you, for putting up with his shit and also helping him afterwards.
I talked to my boyfriend the next day, and I said I felt shit about how his friend had touched me, and then proceeded to take up my whole NYE by using me as a therapist. He didn’t say much. I cried at work the next day because I felt horrible, disrespected, and embarrassed.
My boyfriend didn’t see this friend all this year, but there was a point where he was upset about missing his friends, so i MESSAGED THIS FRIEND and told him my boyfriend misses him and that he’s just in a rut, he’ll be back in touch soon. I genuinely felt for my boyfriend, that’s why i did this.
Last month, my boyfriend mentioned he had been talking to the friend again, and everything came crashing down for me. I began thinking about how i had felt, how my boyfriend hadn’t seemed to be too bothered by me being upset because i “said it was fine when it happened” (his words). He said “I have to see for myself how I feel, we’ve been friends for so long”. I was really anxious that he would maintain a relationship with this friend, even though i had encouraged it by messaging him. I realised i never wanted to see this guy again. This is where i take responsibility for my boyfriend maintaining contact.
I’ve been going to therapy again, for multiple reasons, but this happened to come into conversation and she calmly let me know that i was sexually assaulted by this guy, and that it seems i should have no contact whatsoever with him as it’s clearly triggering me. she also suspects i have real issues with how long it takes for me to process things that hurt me, evident here and in many circumstances in my life, it hits me far too late to act accordingly. she validated everything that’s been getting downplayed.
Last week, he met up with said friend again, and I was an anxious wreck. All day at work, knowing he was meeting this friend later, I was shaking, nauseous, and generally just panicking. I couldn’t even form words to tell him how i felt, though he eventually asked because i was visibly struggling to cope. I told him i didn’t expect him to still want to meet with that friend, and he told me “we’ve already talked about this, I need to see how I feel”. I felt so bad, i kept telling myself that this isn’t my boyfriend’s fault and that he shouldn’t suffer, so i told him it was okay, he could go have a good night and i’d manage. I didn’t manage, I was an absolute wreck, I don’t think I can cope with him seeing him.
Knowing that the person who should protect you before anyone else, isn’t exactly doing that, is eating me alive. I am doubting so many aspects of our relationship and his respect for me, and kind of my own safety.
I love my boyfriend to bits, the year he spent away from these friends was bliss. Now i’m back where i was, but with added trauma. I have no idea what to do. Is it unreasonable if i expect him to cut these/ this friend(s) off?
Im so sorry for such a long post, love from aj