How would you approach this friendship?

[MaMoosie]

I have a friend, my best friend who I’ve known for over 20 years. She knows everything about me, I know everything about her, we’re very close etc.

My issue is, whenever she gets stressed she just completely disappears. And I get it’s easy to get overwhelmed sometimes but I just feel like our friendship is entirely on her terms and i can’t rely on her anymore. I miss her a lot, but i do feel this bitterness now that when she messages me “all better now!” I kind of feel like saying, well fuck you. You completely disappeared for 3 months! She was supposed to organizing a party with some other friends for my birthday but that obviously didn’t happen. I can’t talk to her about any of the stress I’ve also been going through. I just feel really let down and find it unfair how she kind of flits in and out of our friendship like this. Aibu?

Mentally downgrade the friendship. She’s not your best friend as you can’t talk to her about your stuff, if she’s fun to go out with when she’s around then do that.

It’s difficult when friendship expectations are mis-matched.

Hard when its on their terms.. I try and have a few friends now not rely on one. Meetups are always to suit them its tiring

OP look I'm one of those that disappear a bit, I have a career and I'm a lone parent. The emotional burden of everything gets a bit much sometimes.

My best friend did talk to me once about it and I do try and check in more often when I'm going through a phase, so have a chat. Might or might not go down ok.

What do you do when she's like that? Continue to just ping messages across casual like or do you stop messaging too?

II send her the odd message but she just completely ignores me until she decides to talk to me again.

Tell her that actually it would have been really nice to hear from her, because you've also had XYZ going on and would have loved to wallow together and/or support each other.

If she just brushes you off then mentally downgrade the friendship, its hard to hear but she's not that into your relationship!

Why can't you talk to her about 'any of the stress I've been going through'? She's supposed to be a friend isn't she?

I think the combination of her doing a disappearing act and you feeling resentful and not able to talk to her about your problems suggests that you might need a different friend and let this one trot off...

Because she won’t even read my messages when she does this.

OP, she is doing her and that is her business.

You need to do you.
If I were you I would be downgrading that friendship massively.
You are not a toy to be picked up and put down at will.

I wouldn't be upset, I wouldn't be angry, I would just be protecting myself.
She is not someone you feel you can rely on or even confide in anymore.

I would no longer put myself out, nor would I be reaching out to her.

Look at her as someone who was a close friend to someone who is an occasional friend, that you will only see if it suits YOU.

Your resentment is coming from you being a mug and not treating yourself with respect.

She may very well be unwell and that is unfortunate for her, but that doesn't mean to say she gets to treat you poorly.

Invest in other friends and accept this new reality.

I’d meet her and have a chat in person so she can’t read or not read messages, say what you’ve said here and then probably end the friendship. She sounds really hard work.

She's not a friend.

I had a friend who got a new job that was linked to school term times (education mental health role).It was very full on and she was very busy. She started telling me that she wasn't available for a chat or a meet up until the next half term. I was going through a rough time (bereavement) and told her that I couldn't cope with being picked up and put down when it suited her, that wasn't a friendship as far as I was concerned. She sent me a weird, detached, oddly formal reply and I decided I was done. Good decision as far as I'm concerned

You can't have a friendship where it's all on the other person's terms. As someone else said, you're not a toy to be taken out of a box when the other person wants you, and then put away again

If it were me, I'd be dropping the rope and fading her out completely- she cant complain about it because she's done it to you multiple times!

I get people get stressed - we all do, but to just pick someone up when you feel in the mood to talk and then drop them irregardless of what they might be going through when you arent in the mood isnt really a reciprocal friendship in my eyes. Your entire relationship basically revolves around her and she isnt there for you when you need it. Thats not a friendship, you are basically a convenience to her.

Ditch her and find better friends.

I'm one of these types of people but I do it because people tend to moan at me about their problems endlessly and when I'm struggling I really can't deal with other people's issues on top.
I've just spent 8 weeks quite sick with hypermesis and during that time I spoke to very few people because even though they knew I was vomiting for hours a day, they wanted to brush it off with oh it'll be worth it in the end and then continued on complaining about their own crap . No tact at all

very known my best friend for 30 years, she suffers from depression and sometimes drops of the radar for a while. And that’s ok. Friendships ebb and flow - you sound a bit needy tbh , why can’t you organise your own birthday? You are not a child, I think you expect too much from her, take a step back and widen your circle of friends. If she needs space give it to her. It’s not about you.

When she disappears what is she doing? Does she work? Does she still go shopping etc or does she shut herself away?
She's obvs got stuff going on but if this was your boyfriend/husband would you put up with it?

I think she needs to know that a) you understand but b) you're not going to put your life on hold for her.

Do you have other friends in common? Does she do this to them?

Oh fuck off. I quite clearly stated that she had said she was going to arrange something so I didn’t bother.

I am lucky in that I have friends that totally understand when I disappear. They know I am not able for engagement, they know that I love them and they know it is my way of coping. They also know I won't open a big long voice message or a typed one either because I don't have the capacity to do it justice when I answer so I wait until I do.

Yeah she’s working, seeing her boyfriend etc. I don’t know. Feels a shame to throw away 20 years of friendship but I am just feeling quite angry about it all atm. She promised my kids she was going to come with us to see Santa and let them down.

I dont agree that it's "not about you"- it is about you because you are in a friendship with this person and so her behaviour also affects you. Yes, the reason for her absence might not be to do with you but if she's ignoring you for months at a time then she can hardly expect you to come running when she clicks her fingers can she? you arent a toy poodle.

This friend clearly has expectations of you because she sends you messages announcing that her silence is over so it is HER that is expecting everything to resume back to normal. Why is it ok for her to have expectations and the OP shouldn't have any?

Thats such rubbish. OP- if this friendship isnt working for you for any reason you are allowed to end it. I would.

Maybe she makes promises when she thinks she is able to do them, maybe she has good intentions at the time but maybe she is just not able. I know I can do this on rare occasion and none of my friends have ever said Fuck You. They understand that I don't do it on purpose and that I am massively struggling even when I don't talk about what is going on.

If your friend has a mental health issue / anxiety or is in a very bad place in life, I would understand how you would continue to support her and want to maintain contact. But in your post, she's coming across a bit flaky so I'm not getting the need to continue the friendship. Maybe pick it up later .... much later.

Apologies if your friend is in a dire circumstance. Maybe some more information needed?

I am surprised how quick people are to class her as “not a friend”. I have very few friends and I am so glad when someone gets in touch with me, whether it’s after a friendship break like this or not, I would welcome the contact. She obviously values you enough to get back in touch

But what about the months in between when OP needs help and is ignored completely?

She obviously values you enough to get back in touch I hardly think ignoring someone for months and then getting in contact because you need or want something is "valuing someone"- what about when the OP needs support and her friend is ignoring her?

Yes you are probably right. I think my bar is just set very low