Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner staying out til 5am

27 replies

PlumKoala · 21/12/2024 12:17

My partner doesn't go out all that often but when he does he gets into a right drunken state and it fills me with anxiety (I have childhood trauma relating to alcohol and domestic abuse) but I know there's also a part of me who is insecure about my relationship.

Anyway, when he's out I have no issues with that or do I expect him to text or check in but once it hits a certain time (1-2am) and he's not home yet I start to feel really restless as I don't know what state he's going to be in.

Yesterday he was out and texted me at 4pm then I didn't hear from him thereafter. It got to after 1am and I pinged him a call which he answered and sounded very drunk. He said he was getting a taxi home so I sat up waiting for him as didn't think he would be much longer.

Fast forward to 5.40am and he comes in - can't tell me where he's been since the call at 1am and today he's told me I need to stop behaving like this when he's out. Part of me agrees but I'm angry at the lack of respect - don't tell me you're coming home if you're not and why can't I ask where you've been? I had called him a few times and it rang out, he was on WhatsApp between 3am and 5am but didn't open my messages.

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable and I definitely need to work on my anxiety around his late nights. He's 41 so I feel like it's unusual to want to stay out this late but I also get that he doesn't do it often so I don't know if I should just let it go and cut him some slack.

For a bit more context I feel like we're borderline room mates these days and I'm missing the flirty fun times we've had so I think I'm feeling a bit more insecure than usual.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/12/2024 12:18

Just go to sleep when he's out - you're upsetting yourself by staying up worrying

NuffSaidSam · 21/12/2024 12:21

He should let you know in advance if it's likely to be a late one, but other than that he can do what he likes. You're his partner, not his mum.

Go to bed and see him in the morning. When he's sobered up and ready to chat you can ask him about his night.

Lucy Long Socks · 21/12/2024 12:23

I think that is unacceptable of him. You shouldn't need to ask. He should just tell you. But if he doesn't, then you've every right to ask. Have you any clue where he is?, because I don't even think anywhere is open at those times, club wise.
It all sounds extremely sus to me.

Original poster
PlumKoala · 21/12/2024 12:26

Lucy Long Socks · 21/12/2024 12:23

I think that is unacceptable of him. You shouldn't need to ask. He should just tell you. But if he doesn't, then you've every right to ask. Have you any clue where he is?, because I don't even think anywhere is open at those times, club wise.
It all sounds extremely sus to me.

He was at a hotel function and said he stayed in the bar with friends then went elsewhere but was so drunk that he couldn't remember where it was and that he spent ages trying to get a taxi...

OP posts:
username299 · 21/12/2024 12:26

You sound like his mum. I wouldn't answer calls from you either.

ObtuseMoose · 21/12/2024 12:27

I think if you have childhood trauma from domestic abuse caused by alcoholism then having a relationship with someone who comes home completely drunk and unable to tell you where he's been is not the healthiest thing to do.

I would expect a bit more understanding from him that this causes you anxiety.

applestewing · 21/12/2024 12:30

It doesn’t matter what others feel about his behaviour though, if you aren’t happy with it then it’s likely you aren’t compatible and this will just be repeat argument

Decide if it’s a deal breaker for you that your dh goes out and gets so wasted he doesn’t know where he’s been?

i wouldn't be interested in being with someone like that. But each to their own

Jostuki · 21/12/2024 12:36

You are incompatible. You are anxious and he likes going out and drinking himself stupid until the early hours.

I wouldn't waste any more time with him.

Ablondiebutagoody · 21/12/2024 12:42

Occaisonal drunken nights out are fun, chaotic, and random. He may have left the venue with every intention of getting a taxi then didn't for whatever reason. Presumably more drinks somewhere else. Don't call a drunk person and expect them to be lucid and then try to hold them to account. I think that in future you should leave him alone to enjoy time with his friends. He will be home when he's home. Who cares what time that is?

Cm19841 · 21/12/2024 13:02

I would not stay up if I was you. It just upsets you. I also would not have called at 1am either.

My husband and I have shared location on our phone so if I wanted to know where he was then I could look.

Only problem I have with what your DH did is not being able to tell you where he was and what he was doing. I know I wouldn't like this part.

lpylou · 21/12/2024 15:28

Do you have DCs? Do you go out?

I'd be the same if DH went out at 4pm and didn't come home until after 5.30am. That's an incredibly long time to be out drinking. I'd guess he is taking something with the alcohol and probably in a hotel room...

Before DCs both myself and DH would do that, with work friends or otherwise. Often I'd end up in a hotel room with work friends, a group of us, usually losing track of time and hoping the night wouldn't end, until it did. Nothing untoward going on just being young working professionals without kids, DH would do the same on nights out. The realisation of the time and the come down was horrendous, always knowing the other half would be disappointed, so I imagine your partner wants to shut you down and recover.

However at nearly 40, with two DCs those days are long, long gone, they were even pre pandemic and if one of us goes out these days, it's certainly no later than midnight.

biscuitsandbooks · 21/12/2024 15:38

If DH rang me while I was out, I would assume it was an emergency.

Didimum · 21/12/2024 16:02

I think PPs are missing the mark a bit here. The issue doesn’t seem to be him going out, but the host of other things that surround it when he does:
• poor communication
• getting uncontrollably drunk and losing memory
• being online messaging but ignoring you
• putting more energy into his nights out than your relationship
• being unable or unwilling to say where he was for a period of 4hrs (I don’t readily believe he has ‘lost’ this much time yet been able to get himself home)

I wouldn’t accept this behaviour from someone I share a home and life with. Going out is fine, but I expect clarity, communication and responsibility in my relationship.

Original poster
PlumKoala · 21/12/2024 16:55

Didimum · 21/12/2024 16:02

I think PPs are missing the mark a bit here. The issue doesn’t seem to be him going out, but the host of other things that surround it when he does:
• poor communication
• getting uncontrollably drunk and losing memory
• being online messaging but ignoring you
• putting more energy into his nights out than your relationship
• being unable or unwilling to say where he was for a period of 4hrs (I don’t readily believe he has ‘lost’ this much time yet been able to get himself home)

I wouldn’t accept this behaviour from someone I share a home and life with. Going out is fine, but I expect clarity, communication and responsibility in my relationship.

Thank you for this comment. This is basically my issue - he can go out whenever he likes. The "you're not his mum" comments from others are not helpful. Our whole relationship (9 years) has been based on mutual respect and this behaviour rears its head maybe once or twice a year so in the wider picture it's not a huge issue but it's still enough to bother me. If I'd slept through the whole thing I'd be none the wiser that he had gone AWOL for a few hours and that's what is bothering me about the whole thing. Any time this sort of thing has happened in the past he has admitted he wouldn't like me doing it to him so it's frustrating that it's happened again.

OP posts:
Cosycover · 21/12/2024 16:58

Probably taking gear and lost track of time.

pecanpie101 · 21/12/2024 20:03

Cosycover · 21/12/2024 16:58

Probably taking gear and lost track of time.

I think the same.
Most people can't drink for that many hours without taking drugs.

jimmyateworld · 21/12/2024 20:21

Yep 12 hours drinking there is definitely coke fuelling that !

lpylou · 21/12/2024 20:29

Exactly what I said too.

jimmyateworld · 21/12/2024 20:30

Bet he feels fresh today eh op?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 21/12/2024 20:48

He's a dick. Don't have kids with him.

Lucy Long Socks · 28/12/2024 23:34

Didimum · 21/12/2024 16:02

I think PPs are missing the mark a bit here. The issue doesn’t seem to be him going out, but the host of other things that surround it when he does:
• poor communication
• getting uncontrollably drunk and losing memory
• being online messaging but ignoring you
• putting more energy into his nights out than your relationship
• being unable or unwilling to say where he was for a period of 4hrs (I don’t readily believe he has ‘lost’ this much time yet been able to get himself home)

I wouldn’t accept this behaviour from someone I share a home and life with. Going out is fine, but I expect clarity, communication and responsibility in my relationship.

You said what i wanted to but so much better.

I dont understand why others are making out the op is in the wrong.

DeliciousApples · 29/12/2024 00:13

I agree with Lucy and didi.

I wouldn't be happy either.

I can't stand drugs so if I thought he was doing that I'd be considering if I wanted to be with him.

However many others are fine with drugs. We all have our line.

And if he's crossed yours you need to decide how to proceed.

Gorgeousfeet · 29/12/2024 00:18

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2024 12:18

Just go to sleep when he's out - you're upsetting yourself by staying up worrying

That’s easier said than done when you differ with horrible anxiety.

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole · 29/12/2024 00:34

Cosycover · 21/12/2024 16:58

Probably taking gear and lost track of time.

Exactly that. Chatting shit and chewing his own face off.

derbiee · 29/12/2024 00:38

He is not a child if you want to stay up or keep yourself awake that is on you.

He should not be noisy when coming in but he is also a grown up

Swipe left for the next trending thread