Parents trying to outstay their welcome

[Zoono]

For context I co parent my dd (20 months old) . Her dad is being pretty reasonable and will spend hours with our dd with me too on xmas day morning. He would then like dd to stay over night night with him on boxing day night, Whixall be nice for them both. Issue is my parents are staying with me and dd from the 23rd to the 27th of Decemeber. My dad is snt happy that dd won't be with us every night and is now stating he wants ro stay an extra night so he gets enough time with dd. I suffer from depression and am likely nd. I don't cope with last minute changes very well and christmas was often a triggering time in my childhood. My dad is now persistently guilt tripping me and won't accept what I have to say. In his defence he only sees me and my dd every couple of months for a few days, as we live a 3 hour car journey away. AIBU?

Stand firm. It's your house, your rules.

Boundaries OP, keep them and your DF has no right to tell you what your DCs routine should be.

Thank you. My dad is a kind man but even other family members have described him to me as 'controlling'. He barely listens to my mum either and she struggles to speak up for me

He's not kind. He's trying to bully you into letting him stay when you don't want to.

That's not what kindness looks like OP. Practise what you're going to say and how you want to say it beforehand but stick to your no if that's what works for you.

Is it so bad if they stay an extra night? Sounds like he is very fond of your DD, I would suck it up.

FWIW there is a type of 'kindness' that controlling people do where the act itself could be perceived as kind (for example giving a present) but they dictate the terms. So they ask you what you want for Xmas and then give you something else (which you didn't want) and you are expected to be grateful because they've been 'kind.'

Please join us in the stately home thread in relationships. X.

Nah, tell him you've got plans. Tell him DD is staying with her Dad for an extra night if you need to. Whatever it takes to stop him railroading you into going along with what he wants.

It's lovely that he wants to see her, but he will still get a lot of time with her, and it's not lovely to decide that what he wants goes.

Keep saying no on repeat and if he doesn’t listen, get your mum on board. He should not be controlling you. You could tell him (even if it’s not true) that your dd’s dad will keep her if he doesn’t go home. It isn’t acceptable for him to be making these demands. He must be aware it will stress you. Tell him not to come at all if he’s going to be a controlling twat.

Your DD's dad becomes before her grandfather. That may sound a bit harsh, but it's true.

Her grandfather will be seeing her on the 23, 24 and 25, and probably some of 26, so that's at least 3 days, including Christmas day itself.

Stand firm and I totally agree - tell him not to come at all if he can't follow your request. And if he refuses to leave on the 27th - well that's just fucked up any future visits hasn't it, ie he doesn't get any.

Tell him no. If it makes it easier then tell a white lie and say that staying extra nights won't make any difference, because she's with her Dad on the 28th and 29th as well - so he needs to stick the original plan and go home on the 27th.

Standing up against someone controlling is hard, but it gets easier the more you do it.

It is so important for your DD that you and her DF continue to co parent this well and part of this is that he has enough time just with her or his side of the family. Your DF will have plenty of time with her. He needs to understand this is about your DD not him.

Nothing wrong with him staying an extra night.

Apart from it being OP's home and she doesn't want him to. If she's been hosting for three or four days already, I'm not surprised that she will have had enough and will want her house back.

It's one more day, it's her father. Much less stressful not to create unnecessary battles, she's not going to look back and think I wish my father didn't stay another day.

I think the point other posters are making (which I agree with) is why is it up to the OP to not create unecessary battles? Why wouldn't a parent put their child first, even if it puts them out a bit?

Thank you generally lots of supportive comments. I've managed to stand my ground ☺️. I can appreciate a few people saying it's only one more day but I have spent 30 years of not being listened to or really respected by my parents. I can't continue to allow myself to be run into the ground by constantly ignoring my own needs. I'm a people pleaser at heart , so it's not easy to feel like I'm letting people down.

Because the parent isn't asking for much, it isn't a big deal.

You're coming at this from your own experience. OP's situation is different - her own family describe her father as being controlling.

What seems to you as not asking for much, probably looks like the thin end of a very long wedge for OP. Apart from anything else, it's extremely rude to insist you stay longer in someone else's home because you feel you haven't spent enough time there - family or not.

Spot on. And it's surprising how many people aren't aware of this. There have been many examples on MN, and there are always replies telling the OP she's being ungrateful and should suck it up, because the person is "just trying to be kind". They can't see the manipulation.

@Zoono who benefits from them staying longer? Not your daughter, not you, just your father. He is only thinking of what he wants.

You're having them to stay for a good while and they should be grateful. You don't owe them more of your time and hospitality. Say no, don't feel guilty, and rethink your view of him as a kind person.

If your dad persists, I would say that you have told him no. And that each time he tries to pressure you to change your mind, that's one night knocked off his stay. See how he likes that. Actions have consequences. Stick to your guns!

Depends on your father though, doesn't it. I regret not being able to cut my vicious bully of a father off sooner. Every day in his company was a day wasted.