to find this irritating? (family Christmas stuff)

[IfICouldFly]

I live in a different city from my parents. DB lives about a mile away from them.

TBH I'm not sure I can really do justice to this in a thread, because there's a long history of DB (who has addiction and mental health problems) controlling my parents. He does get better with age, I think, but it's been pretty horrific in the past. He also doesn't really like it when I come to stay, because it means my parents have less attention to pay to him (e.g., they quite often get a late night call that he'd like some luxury food item brought to him, and off they trot with it).

Anyway, I'm meant to be staying with my parents over Christmas. They have one nice big spare room, and one smaller spare room with a mattress on the floor. I'd just assumed I'd be in the big room. Got a call last night just to let me know I'd be in the small room, in case my brother wants to stay over Christmas night. He probably won't, I'm told, but they'd like him to have "his" room waiting, all made up for him, in case he'd like it.

TBH I'm actually fine with the mattress room, and the last thing I want is to cause aggro for my poor long-suffering parents, so of course I said "yes, no problem". But the more time goes by the more fucked off I feel. I love DB, and he does have a rough hand dealt to him in many ways. He suffers a lot. But FFS.

How can I make sure I let this go and don't get sulky over Xmas, given how cross I feel? AIBU to feel this way?

I'm a bit embarrassed by how adolescent this thread comes across as... DB and I are both in our 40s 😂

I’d find it irritating that your parents facilitate his bad behaviour, allow him to treat them badly, and this is an example of how it is at your expense.

YANBU. But I’d prob try to grin and bear it over Xmas.

Without knowing all the details I would be really annoyed and upset. But perhaps the circumstances do warrant their expectations of you and your flexibility being so high.

Thank you.

Yeah, I need to do my best to keep annoyance under wraps at least for Christmas. I have somewhere to sleep, and it's fine, and very good of my parents to put me up (NB I'm not imposing myself - they are desperate for me to come down, I suspect because it dilutes some tension). It's very understandable my parents do this (because if they didn't, DB would make Christmas v difficult, I suspect - he covertly punishes them, e.g., with veiled suicide threats, if things don't go his way), but it reflects some deeper underlying problems. I might buy myself a stress ball to help me keep my cool!

OP you sound lovely and so tolerant.
Take your parents out for a pint and a chat whilst you are there if it gets a bit much with your DB (or yourself on your own)

Any chance you can buy a cheap frame for the mattress so you make it a bit nicer?

I would be visiting and driving home..... Can't actually think of anything else to say that's appropriate... But your dps are surely enabling him to be a twat? And you agreeing to sleep on the floor when the bigger room will likely stay an empty shrine is nuts.

me too. I'd say it didn't work for me to sleep on the floor when I've travelled there and DB lives so close (and might not even stay) so I'd just be visiting for a few hours. If that didn't give them a kick up the arse, there's no saving them.

If your parents want to pander to their 40 year old then let them crack on but I wouldn’t be sleeping on the floor if there’s a double bed available.

I get it completely, my brother died several years ago and I loved him so much. But that didn't stop the feelings of frustration and anger that my parents enabled and facilitated his behaviour.

All through my teens and into adulthood (in my 50's now) I was pulled up for the most minor thing, accused of upsetting my mum when I brought up my brother addictions and problems.
I have a career, children, but when we were all together it was my brother who had praise heaped up on him. One year he was congratulated for eating all his lunch. I said that as he was an adult and not 3 years old he didn't need to be congratulated. I was seen as the problem.
My mum wonders why I'm not close to her now and would never go to her for any help and support at all, practical or emotional.

So as well as having MH issues your brother is abusive and coercive? Nice.

And your parents just pander to him, because that's easier than the alternative?

Have you/can you talk to them about this?

The older they get, the less able they will be able to deal with his behaviour.

Thanks, all. I'm always amazed by how quickly MNers can suss out a situation, and I think you've all understood the dynamic with my brother quite fast.

My parents would be devastated if I said I couldn't stay - and I can't face doing that to them. I know it makes them sound wet, but they really are amazing people. They're lovely parents to me despite what they're going through, and no one would guess what's been going on behind closed doors.

@DurhamDurham I'm sorry about your experiences. Thanks for getting it.

@jeaux90 I like the idea of the pint (and that's very nice of you - I'm probably more petulant and annoyed by my brother than I'm letting on 😂)

Your parents could probably do with a jolt at least to know that what they are suggesting is weird. It isn’t petulant for you to notice that your DB is taking centre stage even if he might not be there and you are sleeping on the floor. I would be more annoyed not by the bed but by not saying anything. Such a shame for your parents your DB sounds like a knob someone that takes and takes and takes some more. I bet they’re exhausted by him.

In fact I would get there and throw a wobbler say im not sleeping on the floor and squinching into a small room when there’s an unused room next door. Then front it out with your DB and order him a taxi to get to his own bed.

Do you ever have a full and frank conversation with your parents about this situation?

I think it’s time to tell them they’ve enabled him to behave like this and they are pushing you away by making such choices.

They know :/

The thing is, they're too tired and old to resist him. I know I could make them "choose", but I'm not sure they'd emotionally survive it.

can't you compromise and say, okay I will put my stuff in the mattress room, but if DB doesn't decide to stay over I'll be sleeping in that spare bed. Bad enough to be second class citizen if he does deign to grace them with his presence but fuck sleeping on the floor when the other bed is empty!

I do think it's utterly ridiculous when he lives so close though.

I was listening to this Oprah podcast yesterday, and you might find it helpful

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8_JGarGAPg4

If you dont mind sleeping in the small room, then maybe you can choose to let your parents and DB behave in their own ways… and you can choose whether to stay in the small room as a gift to your parents at Christmas. It doesnt mean you will do so again or that you think their decision is correct, it just means that you are going to let them make their own decision and you arent going to give it headspace. But do listen to the podcast, it explains it much better than I can

Honestly, I would say I'm having the big room or I'm not coming.

You're just as bad as your parents if you allow this.

Perhaps, but I don't really see what my alternative is, without hurting my parents further.

Yeah, sounds like you're poor parents don't have much choice.

You're doing the right thing not to kick up a fuss.

It will probably be really great for your parents and for you to spend some time together without your db around. It will help remind them that you're their child too and should have equal consideration.

Can you suggest an outing and lunch somewhere on BD?

Your parents sound horrid. Why are you the 2nd class child? He's not even planning to stay. He sounds like a brat but clearly that's all your parents doing.

No chance would I be bothering with them at Xmas. You're being offered a mattress on the floor after travelling just in case someone else "might" stay but in all likely hood won't.