If you’re an only child of an abusive alcoholic mum would it make you grow up quicker?

Jumell · 2024-12-21T09:24:55+00:00

I’m an only child of an abusive alcoholic mum she used to shout drunken abuse at me and slap me round the face aged 4 she then abused me calling me spoilt and fat, clumsy, selfish ganging up on me with other kids knowing that kids won’t push back as they want to please adults even when she was sober she wouldn’t make eye contact with me and spoke in a bitter voice she was a career driven woman and went back to work full time 2 weeks after I was born I felt as a child that I lost interest in things other kids were interested in by around aged 9/10 and at 13 wanted to leave school go out to work and earn my own wage do you think having a childhood like this - on one level at least - makes a kid grow up quickly as they’re used to dealing with horrendously painful situations on their own?

HPandthelastwish · 21/12/2024 09:27

Oh @Jumell your threads are normally so random, but this one is so so sad.

I think yes, children become more self reliant when they can't rely on the people around them, and more likely to fall in with the wrong people and into scary situations often ending in DV as they are so desperate to escape their upbringing and really remain quite vulnerable for life unless they access significant support and work on themselves and to break the cycle.

Original poster

Jumell · 21/12/2024 09:33

HPandthelastwish · 21/12/2024 09:27

Oh @Jumell your threads are normally so random, but this one is so so sad.

I think yes, children become more self reliant when they can't rely on the people around them, and more likely to fall in with the wrong people and into scary situations often ending in DV as they are so desperate to escape their upbringing and really remain quite vulnerable for life unless they access significant support and work on themselves and to break the cycle.

Thanks so much - your post is so helpful ❤️

j didn’t go into a physically violent relationship - my ex didn’t raise a hand towards me it was more emotionally violent though in the sense of :

love bombing
humiliation
putting me down
saying things to make me doubt myself

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141mum · 21/12/2024 09:37

Jumell · 21/12/2024 09:33

Thanks so much - your post is so helpful ❤️

j didn’t go into a physically violent relationship - my ex didn’t raise a hand towards me it was more emotionally violent though in the sense of :

love bombing
humiliation
putting me down
saying things to make me doubt myself

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Sounds like my mum, I have gone no contact now

Original poster

Jumell · 21/12/2024 09:39

141mum · 21/12/2024 09:37

Sounds like my mum, I have gone no contact now

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Aargh sorry to hear this - your actions make you sound brave and strong - best course of action

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Ghostofallnightmares · 21/12/2024 09:41

That's sounds very abusive and that has a significant impact on physical brain development and many other aspects of social, emotional and behavioural development. Your brain literally changed in it's structure by your childhood trauma.

Please - look up " adverse effects of ACES" - Adverse Childhood Experiences. You have at least 2 .

You will probably relate to many things discussed. There's lots of things to read as well as great YouTube videos if you prefer.
I think you sound as if you are beginning to explore how what happened to you impacted your life. You might want to seek support for this journey.💕💕

Original poster

Jumell · 21/12/2024 09:43

Ghostofallnightmares · 21/12/2024 09:41

That's sounds very abusive and that has a significant impact on physical brain development and many other aspects of social, emotional and behavioural development. Your brain literally changed in it's structure by your childhood trauma.

Please - look up " adverse effects of ACES" - Adverse Childhood Experiences. You have at least 2 .

You will probably relate to many things discussed. There's lots of things to read as well as great YouTube videos if you prefer.
I think you sound as if you are beginning to explore how what happened to you impacted your life. You might want to seek support for this journey.💕💕

Edited

Thanks so much for this ❤️

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Anonym00se · 21/12/2024 09:48

I’m not an only child but I’m the only girl, so the responsibility fell on me to raise my brothers. I did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry. I even remember stealing money from DM’s purse when she was passed out drunk to take my DB shopping to buy his uniform when he was starting school (I was 8 years old). We were taken into care when I had a breakdown when I was 12.

I left care at 16 and had my first child at 17. It definitely made me grow up quicker. In fact, I barely remember being a child at all. I distanced myself from friends because I was so scared of people finding out what was happening at home.

My brothers are in their 40s and 50s now but I’ve always been their ‘mother figure’. It still feels overwhelming at times and sometimes I have to remind them that I’m not responsible for them anymore.

MimiMe24 · 21/12/2024 09:53

I was also the only child of an alcoholic mother but she was nice as pie around other people (my friends when I was a child thought she was the “fun mum”) but I got full on EA and MA with a bit of PA when home alone-luckily not that often for the latter (told me she hated me as I wouldn’t sing in a bar on holiday one time, used to cut up presents/stomp on Easter eggs my dad bought me in front of me, called me all the names under the sun, went for me with the metal loft pole once, would totally ignore me for weeks on end if I did something wrong in her eyes (I was a good kid) the list goes on.)

not sure if I grew up per se, but I now have crippling anxiety and a real fear of confrontation or “getting into trouble”. If I get into an altercation with DH (who is lovely btw-I just mean standard occasional argument) I shut down and ramps up the anxiety. Have had therapy and the rest-it was a shock when I first learnt in a session I was abused! I’m very happy in my own company however, and have a huge independent streak which is probably a not so terrible outcome of it

she died when I was 24, so have very mixed feelings about her, as she was also my biggest cheerleader.

no idea if this helps, but gives you another viewpoint and I’m sorry you had to experience it too

Original poster

Jumell · 21/12/2024 09:55

Anonym00se · 21/12/2024 09:48

I’m not an only child but I’m the only girl, so the responsibility fell on me to raise my brothers. I did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry. I even remember stealing money from DM’s purse when she was passed out drunk to take my DB shopping to buy his uniform when he was starting school (I was 8 years old). We were taken into care when I had a breakdown when I was 12.

I left care at 16 and had my first child at 17. It definitely made me grow up quicker. In fact, I barely remember being a child at all. I distanced myself from friends because I was so scared of people finding out what was happening at home.

My brothers are in their 40s and 50s now but I’ve always been their ‘mother figure’. It still feels overwhelming at times and sometimes I have to remind them that I’m not responsible for them anymore.

Aw so sorry this was your upbringing .

i meant to add - as I believe this firmly - that I don’t think only children have the monopoly on difficult upbringings - kids with siblings can potentially have it much harder in abusive situations! However there are some threads I’ve read where people say they had abusive parents but having a sibling mitigated this

but I guess it really depends on the particular sibling dynamics of particular family

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Original poster

Jumell · 21/12/2024 10:13

MimiMe24 · 21/12/2024 09:53

I was also the only child of an alcoholic mother but she was nice as pie around other people (my friends when I was a child thought she was the “fun mum”) but I got full on EA and MA with a bit of PA when home alone-luckily not that often for the latter (told me she hated me as I wouldn’t sing in a bar on holiday one time, used to cut up presents/stomp on Easter eggs my dad bought me in front of me, called me all the names under the sun, went for me with the metal loft pole once, would totally ignore me for weeks on end if I did something wrong in her eyes (I was a good kid) the list goes on.)

not sure if I grew up per se, but I now have crippling anxiety and a real fear of confrontation or “getting into trouble”. If I get into an altercation with DH (who is lovely btw-I just mean standard occasional argument) I shut down and ramps up the anxiety. Have had therapy and the rest-it was a shock when I first learnt in a session I was abused! I’m very happy in my own company however, and have a huge independent streak which is probably a not so terrible outcome of it

she died when I was 24, so have very mixed feelings about her, as she was also my biggest cheerleader.

no idea if this helps, but gives you another viewpoint and I’m sorry you had to experience it too

Edited

Sh sorry you experienced this I can relate to it so much unfortunately ❤️

stomping on Easter Eggs sounds narcissistic- ish - I think my mum had these tendencies

I can also totally relate to the confrontation thing and the silent treatment for non events
sounds like you’ve got a lovely husband ❤️

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MimiMe24 · 21/12/2024 10:18

Jumell · 21/12/2024 10:13

Sh sorry you experienced this I can relate to it so much unfortunately ❤️

stomping on Easter Eggs sounds narcissistic- ish - I think my mum had these tendencies

I can also totally relate to the confrontation thing and the silent treatment for non events
sounds like you’ve got a lovely husband ❤️

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Ahhh the egg thing was punishment against my dad, who was in a new relationship. That’s a whole other kettle of fish!! She was a deeply unhappy woman and I was unfortunately her punching bag. (She was also abused so I’m terrified if we ever have kids, the cycle will continue-but DH says I’m so aware of it that it won’t happen).

Hope you have lots of support if you can relate. It’s all a bit shit really isn’t it?!

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/12/2024 10:26

I’m so sorry for what you went through. That sounds incredibly painful and difficult.

My mum wasn’t an alcoholic but my dad was and she enabled him and put his needs ahead of ours: not to the point of abuse or neglect but just constantly papering over the cracks etc.

I went out as much as I could from about the age of 14 to get away from having to be around my dad drinking and listening to his drunken rants. It also really normalized alcohol for me so I thought heavy drinking was what everyone did until I was in my 30s. Having an alcoholic husband was what eventually woke me up. I was very lucky not to develop a dependency on alcohol myself but I did drink far too much when I was younger and it led to so many missed opportunities.

Compassion for anyone dealing with an alcoholic parent. It damages everyone in some ways, whether or not it involves abuse.

Original poster

Jumell · 21/12/2024 14:41

MimiMe24 · 21/12/2024 10:18

Ahhh the egg thing was punishment against my dad, who was in a new relationship. That’s a whole other kettle of fish!! She was a deeply unhappy woman and I was unfortunately her punching bag. (She was also abused so I’m terrified if we ever have kids, the cycle will continue-but DH says I’m so aware of it that it won’t happen).

Hope you have lots of support if you can relate. It’s all a bit shit really isn’t it?!

Show quote history

That’s the thing - my mum was also a deeply unhappy woman

I think if you have kids you’d break the cycle - when I was early 20s I said to someone - “I don’t want to end up like my parents”

that person sad to me that I probably wouldn’t end up like them if I was talking like this now ❤️🙌 and was able already to see my parents for what they were

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Original poster

Jumell · 21/12/2024 14:41

MimiMe24 · 21/12/2024 10:18

Ahhh the egg thing was punishment against my dad, who was in a new relationship. That’s a whole other kettle of fish!! She was a deeply unhappy woman and I was unfortunately her punching bag. (She was also abused so I’m terrified if we ever have kids, the cycle will continue-but DH says I’m so aware of it that it won’t happen).

Hope you have lots of support if you can relate. It’s all a bit shit really isn’t it?!

Show quote history

And yes it’s really shit !

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Original poster

Jumell · 21/12/2024 14:44

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/12/2024 10:26

I’m so sorry for what you went through. That sounds incredibly painful and difficult.

My mum wasn’t an alcoholic but my dad was and she enabled him and put his needs ahead of ours: not to the point of abuse or neglect but just constantly papering over the cracks etc.

I went out as much as I could from about the age of 14 to get away from having to be around my dad drinking and listening to his drunken rants. It also really normalized alcohol for me so I thought heavy drinking was what everyone did until I was in my 30s. Having an alcoholic husband was what eventually woke me up. I was very lucky not to develop a dependency on alcohol myself but I did drink far too much when I was younger and it led to so many missed opportunities.

Compassion for anyone dealing with an alcoholic parent. It damages everyone in some ways, whether or not it involves abuse.

Thank you - you’re right - alcoholism in parents is vv damaging

I’ve seen it written that alcoholic parents are automatically ‘abusing’ their children without actual obvious abusive acts taking place - presumably cos it instantly makes kids feel unsafe

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Original poster

Jumell · 21/12/2024 19:22

Ghostofallnightmares · 21/12/2024 09:41

That's sounds very abusive and that has a significant impact on physical brain development and many other aspects of social, emotional and behavioural development. Your brain literally changed in it's structure by your childhood trauma.

Please - look up " adverse effects of ACES" - Adverse Childhood Experiences. You have at least 2 .

You will probably relate to many things discussed. There's lots of things to read as well as great YouTube videos if you prefer.
I think you sound as if you are beginning to explore how what happened to you impacted your life. You might want to seek support for this journey.💕💕

Edited

Thank you - really interesting what you say about brain development ❤️

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LizzoBennett · 21/12/2024 20:34

My DM was a volatile person that had multiple affairs and troubles with violence and alcohol. My DF was an enabler. I'm the eldest of three siblings. It made me have problems with attachment, independent, resilient and strong-willed. I had to ensure my siblings were fed, dressed and looked after from when I was 8YO. We were home alone throughout all school holidays. I'm still very protective of my siblings even though we're in our 30s.

I was very determined not to be a victim of my childhood. My DM always wittered on about her difficult childhood. I learnt that it does no good. I've carved out a much better life for myself and my DC as a result. You either learn from your pain or suffer in the shadows. Harsh but true. It's not to say that it hasn't left a mark. I still struggle to make deep, meaningful connections with female friends for instance. Just try not to wallow.

Original poster

Jumell · 21/12/2024 20:36

LizzoBennett · 21/12/2024 20:34

My DM was a volatile person that had multiple affairs and troubles with violence and alcohol. My DF was an enabler. I'm the eldest of three siblings. It made me have problems with attachment, independent, resilient and strong-willed. I had to ensure my siblings were fed, dressed and looked after from when I was 8YO. We were home alone throughout all school holidays. I'm still very protective of my siblings even though we're in our 30s.

I was very determined not to be a victim of my childhood. My DM always wittered on about her difficult childhood. I learnt that it does no good. I've carved out a much better life for myself and my DC as a result. You either learn from your pain or suffer in the shadows. Harsh but true. It's not to say that it hasn't left a mark. I still struggle to make deep, meaningful connections with female friends for instance. Just try not to wallow.

Aw sounds like you’re doing really well ❤️

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