Not overly anxious about baby

[PlumGoose]

This is maybe an odd one but it’s more am I the problem or what’s really normal?
We have a 7 week old baby, she’s absolutely great and I’d summarise motherhood so far as bloody hard work (especially the night feeds as I’m ebf) but so lovely already, especially those little smiles she’s just started to make. I think I’m coping OK, some days of course easier than others but everyday overall is getting easier.

My AIBU is so many other mums in real life and on the internet almost bragging about how anxious they are (examples like watching baby breathing when asleep incase they somehow stop or constantly checking they’re ok) and also how they haven’t left the baby yet and couldn’t ever imagine it etc (and some are 7 months not 7 weeks!)
I’m not really feeling that anxious and I’ve had the odd 30 mins here or there taking the dogs out and had my nails done yesterday, and actually quite enjoyed the really short time of peace and feeling like me! Of course I was so pleased to see her and have snuggles when I got home but Is that a bad sign for attachment or something like that or is it odd that the societal base level is such high (braggable) anxiety?

It sounds to me as if you have a really healthy attitude to motherhood. People today seem generally over anxious. We used to put our babies in their own rooms after a few weeks with no monitors. There was housework to do and toddlers to get to nursery. Mine stayed overnight with GPs from 3 months. Enjoy your baby and get on with your lives.

Sounds perfect to me I’m on DC no 3 and I’m exactly the same I’m super chilled I think people worry too much these days over MH and anxiety.

You’re doing great OP. I adore my kids and we have a fantastic bond but I also love all the time I get without them- and alwyas have since they’ve been little! Those snippets whether a hair appointment, night away, child free wedding etc always made me feel more like me!

I felt I took the basic precautions I presume is normal when you have a baby and assumed me stressing would harm my baby more than anything else

I don't feel I need to complicate things in life it doesn't help anyone, me or anyone else

I’m not sure anyone is bragging about it, just some are more anxious and reaching out for help.

I think whatever works. My husband was on constant vigilance for both of us so I went a bit the other way!

You probably don’t mean to sound like this, but you’ve accused other mothers of bragging, and it comes across as little that you are doing the same yourself. It’s great you’re happy with your way of doing it, but everyone has their own way and nobody is ‘right’. I always think that those who are completely happy with their parenting tend to speak about it less and are less likely to try and put others down to validate their choices.

No, I agree. There is a performative element to a lot of that anxious-mother business, and it's a bit contagious - sort of like when one person starts whining at work and then everyone's bloody at it.

I had my worries but that was my OCD misfiring brain needing an increase in medication then I was right as rain.

Enjoy your baby OP, and congratulations!!

I think you're absolutely fine. I don't remember this culture around my babies. It's perfectly normal where I live for everyone in your life to visit you as soon as your home, to get a wee cuddle with the baby and to take the baby walks, have overnights etc while you catch up.
To be honest ,I was absolutely shocked that they gave me a baby to look after at all in my physical state and exhaustion after a horrible birth . Wouldn't have given me a newborn after a car crash ! I was more than happy to accept help.
I understand how lucky we were, as not everyone has that help. But, not everyone let's that help in - so many people refusing in laws access , or creating magical bubbles 👀
I also was not ebf so , no, I wasn't tethered in the same way.
It's a bit of modern Insta culture. Creating / trying to emulated the perfect mother baby bond/ magic / family bubble. Reality is differen

No, I was just like you. Motherhood always sounded like this really extreme experience; a dark hole or else overwhelming really serious love. I felt really happy, relaxed and giddy with love.

Agree OP, there is a huge amount of performative baby anxiety on Instagram/my NCT group etc.

I wasn't that anxious in early motherhood either, I felt like the baby's needs, whilst constant, were manageable and me and my DH were a good team. The anxiety came later when my eldest became a (very wayward) toddler and everything became a potential hazard. Different people are triggered by different things - maybe the Instagram mums you're following find the fragility of tiny babies triggering, but maybe something later down the line will turn out to be your trigger

YANBU, OP. I also happily have time away from DD and am not overly anxious, especially compared to what I see on here. I find motherhood relatively easy and incredibly fun/rewarding, which was the opposite of what my ex colleagues told me it'd be before I left work to go on mat leave (never returned).

Another reason to stay off social media! Put your phone down and enjoy your life!

I don't agree with bragging. Post partum anxiety is horrendous. I certainly didn't brag about it or talk much about it while I was in it. My daughter had silent reflux and it triggered awful anxiety to the point where I was scared to feed her. I also constantly worried about her breathing. I barely slept which obviously heightened the anxiety. Logically I knew I was ridiculous but I couldn't stop the intrusive thoughts. I wanted to run away, give her to someone and get her back when she was bigger. They were dark days. It got much better by 6 months then it all kicked off again when I had my second. I did have CBT in the end which helped. You are lucky to have what I presume is an easy baby and not have crazy hormones. Definitely be thankful and enjoy it but for those who are struggling then it is so important to talk about it and reach out for help.

In pregnancy, birth and parenthood there are a large range of normal experiences (as with every part of life really!). In the haze of trying to raise children and believe that you are doing your best for them we seem to struggle to relate to people who have a different experience/beliefs to our own and can often start to feel a bit defensive. I think that this desire to know that we are doing things right drives a lot of conflict with other mums. A lot of this conflict is played out in our minds, not with other people. We start to attribute motivation to the things people sag and do, like the idea that if you're anxious it s a performance. People who feel anxious might try to understand their uncomfortable feelings as just being normal motherly instincts, that then makes people without those feelings feel like they are missing something.

I've had two kids, my second was absolutely fine, as you describe, happy to pop out and leave them. My first was a whole other story. I had the weirdest experience of my life with him. I was so very anxious and wired that three days after he was born I felt I had to go for a run to try to get rid of some of the adrenaline. When he made a noise at night it was like I got an absolute dump of adrenaline instantly and was wide awake straight away. I couldnt stop imagining every terrible thing that could happen. I had insight, I knew it wasn't reasonable. It wasn't a performance, it was a really difficult time and I am grateful for the people who shared their experiences with me and made me feel less alone.

I was a relatively laidback mum too, OP.
We're all different and it's fine!

I was similar. Very unanxious about most things. I have always left baby for a bit (as much as BF allows) to get nails done / massage / PT and baby is now 5m. It then hit me a week ago and I became insanely anxious and I hate it. The anxiety was caused by something happening though.

just enjoy this time and hope it continues. It’s normal to be like you.

You sound very much like me. I have the odd moment of worry about DS (who is now 5) but I've never been anxious at all. Which is ironic because I have several diagnosed anxiety disorders! When I took DS for his first vaccinations, the nurse said she'd never seen such a relaxed FTM. I decided to take that as a compliment!

Seventeen years ago I almost lost my fucking mind. It was just a horrible experience. I can’t speak for everyone clearly and there’s a lot of PFB behaviour exhibited on here which boggles my Gen X brain but I also remember vividly what @Readmorebooks40 wrote. Give him back to me when he’s bigger, I’m going to make some terrible mistake. I had no one to tell, I believed I felt the way I did because I was a failure, was intimidated by my health visitor and there was no other outlet for it. In my post-natal group they all seemed to be loving life and sleeping great and smashing it. I am anxious anyway so maybe I jumped off from where I stood. I fight it though, rather than succumbing.

I’m glad you’re having a chill time, OP, I had a much better experience with DC2, but many women struggle and suffer and I don’t ever assume someone is doing it for attention. It would have helped me to hear from other anxious women and those trying to help because then I’d have realised I wasn’t some freak. Sadly didn’t discover MN until DC1 was a toddler. Still think back to those days with sorrow and regret.

I would agree with this and understand what OP is trying to say. It seems often mum's try to out-do one another over worried and anxieties as if it means you are a better, more involved mother. In my experiences anyway. "Oh what you went on a spa weekend, no i couldn't possibly leave mine, I worry too much I need to watch them sleep etc " instead of how lovely for you. I couldn't work out if these comments were aimed to make me feel bad or themselves better because they haven't been able to/partner didn't want to solo parent...maybe a bit of both. Same when I went back to work. "Oh no I'm too anxious to leave mine with a childminder so I couldn't possibly work, I worry far too about nap times to send child to nursery don't know how you could do it and not worry" This was often from mum's that didn't have an established career/profession to go back to or were choosing to stay home and receive welfare support and again I don't know if they were trying to defend their own decisions (that no one was questioning) or make themselves feel better.

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You can all be right. You can feel confident your baby is ok when out of sight, I can feel anxious about it, and my friend can decide never to risk it. We’re all right.

Bizarre to think that anyone is bragging about being anxious. I think they're just sharing their experience with people who can relate. Some of us with anxiety feel like we're going crazy at times, the worry for your baby can be so consuming and it's comforting when others say "I feel that way too". You don't struggle with that, which is great for you. But no need to say others are bragging about such a negative experience.

I came here to say exactly this.

Good for you OP, it's lovely to see such a chilled mama bear. But I'm certain the anxious mums are not "almost bragging" about being anxious over stuff. They are just, simply anxious.

I'm really pleased you have had such a positive start to motherhood and managed to get some time for yourself which is so important and I certainly wouldn't judge you for that, though I think you are judging others that haven't necessarily had this. Please remember everyone's experience and recovery is different and everyone's baby's temperament is so different too which plays a big factor in when and how much they leave them. When you see stuff on social media or comments on group chats you aren't always seeing the true reality.

My little one was readmitted to hospital at 3 days old which was scary as a ftm, followed by weeks attending outpatient clinics as a follow up so I did find I was very hyper vigilant when he got out and had a lot of passive aggressive comments from in laws about being anxious.

I also dealt with tongue tie and feeding issues so we're placed on a feeding plan.

I then found out at my 6 week appointment I had a prolapse so have had countless appointments and also impacted my mental health in a huge way!

Me and a family member have babies weeks apart she has felt able to leave hers overnight as he sleeps mostly through the night, I haven't yet as mine is a terrible sleeper who is super clingy.

I have also ended up with mastitis twice despite pumping when I have been away from him for more than 4 hours.

I'm not trying to have a pity party here as I love being a mam and I'm aware there are many others who have it harder. I just think we should try as women to support each other and recognise we have very different experiences.

I had my first baby five years ago and found a lot of Mums seemed determined to brag about how relaxed and laid back they were rather than the other way around. It’s even worse with second babies, everyone is trying to out-do each other with “second child, LOL!” type banter. Tiresome at best, patronising and belittling at its worst.

Enjoy your baby, OP. Feel you feel and let others feel how they feel, and try not to compare.

I was like you too. I didn't really feel anxious. Nowadays people seem to not want visitors at all when they have a newborn and is the end of the world if someone wants to hold the baby as if it will stop bonding. When my son was 6 weeks old my mum had to look after him my 2 year old and 5 year old as my other daughter had to have an operation she had him for 17 hours didn't worry about him at all. I knew he was being looked after.