My husband and I got together young, but we went to university in different towns. He never really wanted to go anywhere or do anything, so after expressing my desire for more than just sitting in and experiencing no change, we decided to split.
Later, my sister married his friend, and I knew I would be seeing him again, so we met up to clear the air and ended up rekindling our love. We've now been together for nearly 20 years and have two children, aged 2 and 5.
With our first child, I did most of the night feeds apart from a dream feed at 10 p.m., even after returning to full-time work. I would go to bed at 7 p.m. just to function, and we ended up feeling like flatmates. However, after having a heart-to-heart conversation, things improved.
When our second child arrived, we were very open about our expectations for helping with roles. He definitely helped more, and we both handled things better with the experience we had.
Since the arrival of our second child, I've worked very hard to maintain our relationship by organizing date nights, cooking meals, sending cards, arranging film nights, and buying little gifts to keep the romance and spark alive. I even found a babysitter in the next town who has been able to help us once a month, and I organized every single one of these arrangements.
Despite my efforts, he has not reciprocated. Every birthday and Christmas, he asks what I want a week before, showing no thought or care. I often end up buying gifts for myself and telling him afterward. He gets mad and asks for links to buy them, but I feel there's no point since it's a joint account, and I've already done all the work.
I often call in favours for childcare so we can have a night away or a meal out. We have no family support, so it’s extremely difficult to find time alone. Hence, I try to create opportunities even when the kids are asleep.
We had a good conversation a few months ago where I expressed my frustrations and questioned if he really wanted us to be together since he never shows appreciation for anything I do. He has since booked a babysitter and organized a day out, which was a positive change.
However, with Christmas approaching, he has reverted to asking, "What do you want?" Our kids have been ill all week, and I have been doing everything because he hurt his foot. This includes stripping beds, cleaning the house, and more, all while working full-time.
Is this normal? Our relationship isn’t bad per se; we communicate well, calmly, and clearly. Yet, I don’t know if I want more than this. I feel sad, lonely, and bored. He says he wants this and loves me, but I think it's just easy for him.