To be so tired of feeling like I don’t fit in?

[Rainbowbrite1987]

I’m so sad, all the time. I’m 40 and I feel like everything is too late. I’m in a mediocre sexless marriage which I can’t leave because of my kids. I’m in a low paying but demanding job. I have nothing interesting to talk about. I’m ugly and stupid. I have friends but I don’t like seeing them because I feel like they only see me out of pity.
I have a chronic condition which means I can’t drink so if I do go for a night out in the least interesting ugliest person there and I can’t even numb it a bit with a drink. I’m uptight and on edge.
and I’m lonely.
This time of year feels especially awful I think.

Aibu to feel like what is the point if I don’t fit anywhere? And by don’t fit I mean I just always feel on the sidelines of life looking in.

I'm very similar to you. I don't fit in anywhere either but I find small joys in things I'm interested in and learning about different things I'm interested in. I think people find me strange, but that's their problem. I don't need other people to justify my existence, especially not at 40.

This made me sad 😔 I am sorry you’re feeling like this. The Christmas season can be extra emotional for many. Start thinking about something new to do for you in the NY.

Big hug x

Ah op that’s awful you feel like that. Big hugs!! . Could you be suffering from depression. I would def speak to your doctor. Try some online meditation for positivity until you see a doctor. I honestly think no friend would contact you out of pity. People are too cut throat for that these days. You do not need to drink to have a good time. Please look after yourself xx

Well as some one who has never " fitted in " I feel for you as regards how isolating that makes you feel.

But: you obviously have positives in your life, even if you don't feel very enthusiastic about them: you have a job , you have friends and you have children. A lot of people don't have those and would dearly to love have them.

As for the feeling ugly and nothing to say : it sounds as though that is your low self esteem talking. I would stake everything on you not being ugly, that you do have interesting things to say.

This time of year is very hard on people because we are sold the image of people with perfect lives, perfect families, perfect every thing. And for many many people this is not the truth. But it's hard not to feel bad about ourselves because we don't live up to this image.

It might be worth speaking to your GP.. You might be suffering depression. There is possibly talking therapy you could be referred to that would be helpful for you.

I disagree that antidepressants are the answer.

Your life has bits that need fixing, that’s why you feel rubbish. That weird bit between Christmas and new year is a good time to think about some changes to make so you’re not in the same place this time next year.

I have what and who I need to have and don't care about the social trivialities in life.

I am lucky with looks and charisma but do not use them, do not need to use them right now nor want to be used

I will never get these feelings. You have a man, kids, a house, friends and do you know how many women out there don't have even one of those

You should listen to "why can't I just enjoy things". I found it enlightening as to why I don't fit in and never really have.

Your OP is full of self-pity. Things will never improve if you continue with the 'woe is me' attitude. Have you tried doing anything to improve your life? Change is possible.

Sorry you're feeling this way OP. But just because you're feeling this way doesn't make it true. Would you try therapy to get to the bottom of why you have decided that you are "ugly and stupid"? Your lack of self-esteem seems to be your biggest problem. If I thought of myself as ugly and stupid I'm sure that I would not be able to socialise at all. I can't think of anyone I know that is ugly and stupid to be honest. Some friends are more intellectual, others are emotionally intelligent. When you like someone that person can't be ugly. No need to be a super model to feel at ease. I am sure I would not find you neither stupid nor ugly if I met you. 🩷

I feel sad reading how you feel. I bet you have more to offer than you think. Being in an uninspiring marriage won't help your self esteem though. What makes you feel ugly? Did people tell you that? As for being interesting, you may not be around people who share the same interests. What do you like to talk about, or would if you could? I have very specific interests and don't fit in either. I'm probably autistic, socially awkward and certainly not very pretty. But I'm past caring. Obviously it's much harder when you care and want to fit in. I think the starting point is to feel better about yourself as a person, then the feeling of connection to others will grow. I know it's asked a lot on here and is very expensive, but is seeing a counsellor an option? If not, you'll find lots of videos on improving your self esteem and changing your thinking to feel less powerless and more empowered in your life.

Have you tried being kind and show some empathy?

What makes you happy OP? What do you look forward to? If there isn’t anything at the moment, is there anything that you used to like in the past? It sounds like you need to shake your life up a bit (in a positive way) and doing something for yourself might be a good place to start.

40 isn’t too late to change things, it’s just a bit more difficult once you have kids to factor into your plans.

This approach doesn't tend to be effective or supportive at all.

OP is clearly feeling more than a bit of self pity here. You have no clue how life is for her externally and internally. Not helpful.

If I feel like this it's usually because I'm tired and/or haven't had enough fresh air. I'm sure your children adore you and your husband loves you, focus on the positive. Good luck!

I had a time when I was like this - I started with my physical appearance and sorted my acne and my weight. I did lots of exercise which made me feel better about myself mentally and physically, I also made gym friends who because proper friends, I focused on my kids and stopped spending time with people I felt obligated to spend time with and just did exactly what was best for me and my own immediate family. Then I worked on a qualification and got a promotion. I am 39 so similar to you, I've got a bit fatter again, I'm not at all perfect BUT I feel like I've found that happy space, that 'meaning of life' shit that people go on about. I ALSO got diagnosed with ADHD which explained so much about why I never felt like I 'fit in'. It explained so much about my life and now I feel like I can live 'unmasked' and stop being ashamed of myself. This has drawn in some lovely friends too because I am being me and not trying to 'fit in' which I think people sense! Good luck OP - one thing at a time. Definitely see your GP.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I would really urge you to see your GP and ask about talking therapy. You do sound like you could be suffering from depression. You don't have to continue dealing with these feelings on your own, please do reach out and speak to someone. You could start by calling a mental health helpline and they will talk you through different options to get help.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/mental-health-helplines/

This was not intended to read so 'me me me' I was just trying to connect with your post and say I understand some of your feelings. Xx