Is my anxiety causing issues or are we just not compatible?

[Onemoret1me]

I don’t know how well I’ll be able to explain this but I suffer from terrible anxiety and always have done, tried various treatment over the years.
im mainly anxious about close family coming to harm, therefore when my DH goes out I become very worried.
He goes out drinking regularly, weekly for a few hours of an afternoon and occassionally (a few times a year) he’ll stay out for many hours as gets carried away drinking

due to this I’m always on edge when he goes out. He admits he gets carried away and doesn’t think about me stressing at home. So although most of the time he isn’t out for long, I worry that this won’t be the case. When he’s had a drink he becomes a
lot more vocal about how he wants to make the most of his life, he can’t understand why I’m happiest being at home. He wants to be out, going to places, exploring new things. I have no desire to do this. I know this may sound boring but I’ve become quite an introvert.

our upbringing has been very different and as a result we parent very differently. I probably do way too much for the kids, I put everyone else first. In my opinion, he is much more selfish. He puts his needs and wants first and feels that now he is older (50) and the kids are older (8&14) it is now the time he gets his life back and starts living. so going out with friends, us going out as a couple etc.
i have no desire to do things for myself. I want to care for my family and be at home with them or doing family things. He wants to do things with friends or as a couple, as well as family things.

im questionning whether we are just not compatible and if we’ve grown apart, or at such different stages in life that we can no longer be happy together. Or is my anxiety completely out of control and I’ve lost all sense of rational thinking, if he wants to go out and enjoy himself then why should I have a problem it’s this

IABU - you both need to live your lives and do things separately and seek further help for anxiety

IANBU - it sounds like you’ve grown apart

I wouldn’t ask him to stop going out or expect him not to live his life, that wouldn’t be fair to expect him to live the life I want to live.

I just don’t feel I can carry on being as anxious as I am and feel removing myself from the relationship would remove the worry and stress and allow us both to live the lives we want. Although that would obviously come with many disadvantages

Your oldest child is 14. In 4 years they could be going to university.

Caring for your family is a worthwhile thing to do, but one day both of your children will have left home and set up their own homes.

What do you want to be doing then?

Anxiety can be very difficult. But your children will not always be children and it is worth thinking about what you would want your life to look like then.

I'm not sure the cure for anxiety is often divorce? At first glance it looks as though you think your DH is at fault for not modifying his behaviour to pander to your anxiety. I have some sympathy for him if he wants to "go out" and see other people, rather than just stay at home as you want to. Maybe you are incompatible but I don't think he's the unreasonable one.

I agree that he isn’t unreasonable which is why I don’t ever ask him not to go out ext. I do try and ask that he thinks on others and doesn’t always put himself first.

for example he went out this afternoon but the eldest had gone out with a friend and he didn’t think to let her know he was out or check she had a key. She then rings me at work as can’t get in the house and it’s dark outside and she’s locked out. Yes, I know that’s her fault for not taking a key but as far as she was aware her dad was in and planning to stay in. If that was me, I’d have rang and told her or at least checked in with her at some point

Sounds like both.

You need to treat your anxiety. This is a separate issue. It’s not fair on your partner or family. Can be a huge burden.

sounds like you have different outlooks and expectations in life… and that your looking to go in different directions.

I wonder if you can both compromise. Seek couples counselling and do something together as a couple in and out of the home.

CBT for this kind of anxiety has changed my life. I would recommend it

This is your daughter’s fault and not your husband.

you should keep an emergency key somewhere for the household.

I’ve spoken to my daughter and made her aware to always take a key. We will also get a keysafe fitted.

this is just one example, there’s weekly examples that my irrational anxious brain blames my husband for but when I calm down and think more rationally I question whether he’s at fault. Although still feel he could do more to understand how I feel. He’s redline is always that I need to toughen up and put myself first

I will definitely be seeking further help for myself. I generally manage and keep a lid on things but every now and again reach breaking point and feel the anxiety gets out of control.

A healthy relationship means you spend time as a family, as a couple and also with friends. Yes, you are a parent first, but you are also an individual person, not an extension of your children. Your children are growing up, and will naturally want to spend more time with their friends, especially in the teen years; eventually going to university (possibly) and moving out of home. How do you envisage your life then? Your partner isn't responsible for your reactions to your anxiety, you are. He can only go so far, in helping you to feel less anxious, and sometimes, yes he may fail. You need to seek further support to help with your anxiety, as I wonder if it's holding you back, and stopping you from participating in life. Home is safe, being outside of the home makes you anxious due to the unknown. Life is for living.

Thank you for the words of advice.

hes motto is life is for living. Whereas I’d happily tuck myself away at home with my close family and wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out.

I really need to seek further support. I’m just not sure counselling really helps but will try again.